BlondeFBIgrad - Blonde & lovin' it... sometimes.

Emails of Truth

2012-01-29T21:05:00.001-05:00

Have you ever written an email to someone, and then stepped back to realize... it should have been sent to you.

I have a precious friend who is in a similar life experience to me right now, and I am so filled with hope, faith and courage... for her.

But when it comes to my own fork in the road, I have a hard time feeling any of the hope, faith or courage that I so EASILY sent her way!

And I'm reminded once again of Hebrews 4:16. "Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Dependent on the translation, it might say "boldy" or "with confidence," but one word never changes. And that is "us."

It's not a matter or ushering other people to His throne, while I stand back. "Us" implies that I get to be there, too.

Here I was, praying Joshua 1:9 for this dear friend, encouraging her to remember that God wants us to be assured that He's with us, and for us to Brave and Confident, and it was so easy to send the email to her.

In my own life right now, there is a situation that I'm facing, and I am feeling neither brave nor confident.

So... I just sent the same email to myself. And I read it. And I heard it.

Now I need to go tattoo Hebrews 4:16 on my head and my heart, so that I stay at the foot of the cross.

That I stop giving up my spot for someone "more worthy" to come.

They can kneel beside me.

Conversating

2012-01-24T21:51:00.000-05:00

Today was one of those days where I'm grateful that Jesus is not afraid of the hard questions I ask Him.

Sometimes, it's even ok to not hear an answer. Just knowing He listens is enough.

Reality Check

2012-01-19T09:03:00.001-05:00

The other day, in a moment of weakness (and morbid curiosity), I searched for him on Facebook.

I clicked on his information, and got this error message:

"Could not load 'null's' data"

According to dictionary.com, the official definition of "null" is... "without value, effect, consequence, or significance."

Apparently, even Facebook knows that he should not be in my life anymore.

Survey Says

2012-01-09T19:20:00.000-05:00

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?

Graduated from college and finally became "what I wanted to be when I grew up!"

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Sadly, I did not keep it... I had wanted to read two books every month, but with studying for my national boards all summer long, reading became a thing of the past.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth or get pregnant?

Baby LLAMA is on the way!!! (due any minute, really)

4. Did anyone close to you get married?

I don't think so... had lots in 2010, but '11 was quiet

5. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thankfully.

6. Travel?

COSTA RICA, Baby!

7. Did you move anywhere?

Nope - been in my precious little apartment for nine blissful years!

8. What was the best month?

From the end of September, on

9. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A man?

10. What date(s) from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 20 - Graduation

July 29 - passed my national boards

September 23 - last day at United

November 8 - spending my birthday in Costa Rica

11. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Becoming an LMT

12. What was your biggest failure?

Letting frustration & exhaustion from life and work, change me into a negative person

13. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Noper! Was healthy & safe.

14. What was the best thing you bought?

Probably my car?

15. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I would like to give this spot to my Drewey Fern... who spent countless hours helping me study, and then drove my stressed out self up to take my boards and sat in a cafe across the road and prayed while I took it. She was selfless with her time, resources, faith & friendship, and I honestly don't know if I would have had the outcome I did, if it wasn't for her.

16. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?

If this was someone who was close to me, why would I put it on my blog? And if it's someone that is just famous and I don't know them personally, why would I waste time being appalled by their actions?

17. Where did most of your money go?

.School the first part of the year, and starting my business the last part

18. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Getting my joy back!

19. What song will always remind you of 2011?

"Set A Fire" - I close my eyes & I can see the kids in Anonos, on their knees, hands raised,
singing this at full volume

20. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?

ii. richer or poorer?

i. Off the chart happier!!

ii. Off the chart poorer!

21. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Spent more time with the kids

22. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Letting exhaustion lower my defenses, making me into someone I didn't like by the time I left United

23. How will you be spending New Year's Eve/Day?

Spent it with Amy... Eleventh year in a row!

24. What was an unexpected surprise?

Having my carburetor blow up in my car??

25. Did you fall in love in 2011?

With Los Anonos... yes!

26. What was the best concert you've been to this year?

JAMES TAYLOR

27. What was your favorite TV program?

I don't like answering questions like this - I feel it incriminates me

28. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn't dislike this time last year?

Not a bit

29. What was the best book you read?

"The Autobiography of Mrs Tom Thumb" - Melanie Benjamin

also

"To Kill a Mockingbird" - Harper Lee

30. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Adele

31. What did you want and get?

Freedom and JOY!

32. What did you want and not get?

A Harley...

33. What was your favorite film of this year?

"Furious Love" rocked my world

34. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 33, and I spent my day guarding tools as the guys rebuilt a tin roof, and playing numerous games of Connect Four with a whole bunch of kids who didn't speak English!

35. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Pretty much 2011 changed my worldview, my relationship with Jesus, therefore ultimately my life... I'd say I didn't need anything else in it to make it "immeasurably more satisfying."

36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

I don't have a fashion concept, per se...

37. What kept you sane?

My family & my two A's

38. What political issue stirred you the most?

I vote and I pray, and that's about it when it comes to politics

39. Who did you miss?

Someone...

40. Random Memories from 2011?

Being rescued after my car blew up
Hugging my teachers after getting my diploma - five long years after starting
Looking around at my graduation party - being blown away by the fact that everyone who was there, was there because they were proud of me
Turning over the piece of paper that said I had passed my national boards
Being told that Little Llama was on the way
Walking through the streets of Anonos, tears streaming down my face, as God answered my prayers to "break my heart with what breaks Yours"
Having Jack sit on my lap and kiss each one of my fingers when I got back from Costa Rica
Giving my two weeks notice
Riding a jet ski!
Watching Hurricane Irene in Newport

This Phoenix is Rising!

2012-01-01T12:58:00.000-05:00

Every year since I moved back to NH, Amy, Drewey & myself get together sometime between Christmas and the first week of January... We celebrate Christmas, their birthdays, Mindy, a new year, and our friendship.

It's become such a precious tradition. The emails or texts between the three of us start a little before Christmas, trying to nail down a date and time.

Even though we see each other during the year, this is a beautiful way to catch up, share our hearts, and get ready to face a new year as a three-fold cord. Some of the years have been all fun. Some years, like last, are somber as we cling to each other, mourning recent loss.

Yet, beyond the joy of celebrating our "us-ness" and giving and receiving Christmas and birthday gifts, the time that has become most special is when we pray for each other. A few years ago we started a new thing, by each picking a word that we wanted the others to pray for, in regards to our coming year.

I remember the year that I asked, with tears streaming down my face, for them to pray that my joy would be restored. I had been beaten down so severely by events of the previous year, I didn't think that I would ever be the bubbly, happy Lindsay again. And I was desperate for joy.

And last year, the word I chose was "soar." I had put in so many years of school, and so many years at United, and I was ready for a change - I was ready to see my hard work pay off, and I was ready to FLY.

As I look back at 2011, the answer to those prayers are so evident, I can't help but throw my hands up in joy & gratitude!

During the first few months of the beginning of the year, as I dragged myself to the finish line of school... hours of classes, practicum, homework, and paperwork, I had no hope that our prayers had even been heard, much less were they ever going to be answered. I was exhausted, and felt like my life was the exact opposite of soaring.

And then in the Spring, I put an end to a four year relationship that had brought much harm to my emotional & spiritual well-being. My wings stretched a little.

In the course of six ridiculously packed months, I graduated, studied for and passed my national boards, got licensed to practice massage, started a new job at a spa, left United after nine years, started my own business, and began living my dream. My wings expanded and I began an exillerating free fall.

People would ask me how I was doing, and I would say, "I'm not making any money, but I'm the happiest that I've ever been!"

One of my friends said one time "What if someone asked you on a scale of 1-5, how much you felt like you were really living your life? You answered a five, because you felt that you were totally squeezing every drop out of life that you can, and then they say, 'The scale is actually 1-10. There is still So Much Life to live.'"

My trip to Costa Rica was the scale of my life expanding to a 10...

No longer in a free fall, I was soaring with the best of them.

My phoenix rose from the ashes in 2011!

Isaiah 61:3

My Little Man

2011-12-20T17:07:00.000-05:00

He's pretty tender, my little Tucker.

We share a lot of things.

Birth order.
Bits of melancholy when the situation calls for it.
And a need for a quiet retreat when we're peopled out.

Today at their house, he was having a rough day, so Jill asked him if he needed to just go upstairs and lie down on their bed for a bit.

He retreated, and soon I followed.

I walked in to see him sitting in the middle the big bed, pounding his little foot and muttering to himself.

"Want to snuggle?"

He melted right in, and we laid there in quiet for a long time.

"Are you excited about Christmas?" and he opened up, telling me all about the presents that Mommy had finished wrapping.

I told him that I was excited about what I had gotten for him, and then asked him if he knew what it would be wrapped in.(I've had the same two rolls of wrapping paper for YEARS! Spongebob for the boys, Care Bears for the girls)

"Aunt Lindsay, if you had kids, it wouldn't take you so long to use up the wrapping paper." True.

So I asked him if I should have a boy or a girl.

"Well, we already have enough boys, so probably a girl."

"Do you know what Aunt Lindsay needs before having a girl -- an Uncle Lindsay! I need a husband."

He smiled.

"So, what should we do about this? Who should I marry?"

There was silence for a little bit, and then...

"You could wait til I grow up."

And... I'm Back!

2011-12-19T20:39:00.002-05:00

One of my friends recently said "Remember when you used to blog?"

And I do remember. And I miss it.

Writing was carthartic for me. And it was exciting. And I loved the feedback that I got.

So I made myself sit down and think about various reasons that may have led to me stopping.

Was it because school had me down for the count those last two semesters? Trying to study, get all my practice hours in, go to five hour long evening classes after working a full day?

That my job was sucking my soul from my body, and I felt like I was losing all the qualities that I liked best about myself?

Was it because I was trying to end a four year chapter where my heart had been repeatedly shredded by someone who didn't deserve my love, but who I kept returning to, and to write about it was to admit that I had let myself down, and my God down?

And then I graduated... and euphoria set in. I wasn't just dreaming of being a massage therapist, like I had for 15 years. And I wasn't in school for it, like I had been for five years. I was done.

Until the studying to pass the national boards began. And again my life was put on hold, as I followed my dream. Countless hours of studying. Followed by hours where I didn't, but was continually wracked by guilt at the knowledge that I should be studying.

And then I passed the boards... and the euphoria heightened. I wasn't in school any more, AND I was officially able to practice.

The job search began. Each day at United, I felt a little more of my true self being stripped away, and I was too emotionally, physically and spiritually tired to fight. So I stopped fighting. And watched as I started to become someone that I didn't like. Someone that I was not born to be.

And then September came. And I took a gigantic leap of faith, turned in my two week's notice, and set out on my own. Yet not on my own, because I had an email from my dad answering the panicked question of "will you still visit me if I'm living under a bridge if this doesn't work," with "No, because I'll be on my way to pick you up." And I had an assurance from my Heavenly Father - a peace that passed all understanding, that I was right in the middle of His will, and regardless of outcomes, that was the safest place to be.

I felt my joy returning, but it was so new and so precious, that I didn't want it out there for human consumption in the blogosphere. I was relishing it. Bathing in it. Allowing myself to purge what I had hated from my past, and embracing what this new chapter would be.

I rode my bike. I walked the ocean. I sat in the sun. I spent hours with my nephews and neice. I re-learned how to just be.

And then Costa Rica happened. And my world was completely turned upside down. I found a place where I felt as at home as I do in NH. I found people who were open, honest and loving. Who have a sincere desperation for Jesus, because they know what it's like to fight real spiritual darkness every single day. Who know that stuff is not what makes life worth living.

Numerous times each day, standing on the balcony overlooking Anonos and praying for the precious people who live there. Praying that the Light will overcome the darkness, sooner rather than later. God answering the prayer of my heart to "break my heart with what breaks Yours." Forgetting that it's a dangerous prayer to have answered, because a broken heart is so painful.

I'm still processing so many things from the trip. It deserves a post of it's own.

And now I'm back. Not just from Costa Rica, but from the sidelines of my own life.

I am not making much money, but I am the happiest that I have ever been!

So in answer to the question of "remember when you used to blog?"

Yup... today.

Brochures and Such

2010-10-16T17:56:00.001-04:00

The appointment was made, and a few weeks before the time I'd go in to see this new doctor, I got a packet in the mail.

A welcome packet, of sorts. It had a list of all the things I needed to bring to be a prepared patient.

Also the intake form, so I didn't have too wait long when I arrived.

Directions on how to get to the office.

And a brochure... telling me all about the practice's policies and stand operating procedures.

It read more like a bad internet survey.

Here is what we like. Here is what we don't like.

If you do this (like not wear scented lotions), you'll be the "good" patient. If you do this (forget your intake form and insurance card) there is a special circle in hell reserved just for you.

But this paragraph made me laugh right out loud:

"We know that your problem is important to you.
We also know that our waiting list is long.
Time is better spent on helping you than explaining why there are too few dermatologists in the area.
Please refrain from complaining about the wait.
We have no control over this."

And this gave me an idea. I will print up brochures of my likes and dislikes, and send them out to prospective friends.

Or maybe I'll just keep updating my status on Facebook.

Of Hearts

2010-07-31T10:02:00.004-04:00

To anyone else, it was just a red ceramic heart, hanging from my rearview mirror.

To me, it was my emotional heart, given to another and hanging in limbo for years.

Yesterday, I kissed it goodbye and threw it into the ocean.

And as I saw it hit the waves "Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed" echoed through my head.

Freedom tastes good.

The Good Ol' Summertime

2010-07-12T22:56:00.003-04:00

Andy & Amy rode their bikes up to my house tonight, and we went out for ice cream. We talked about how it made us feel like we were little kids on Chestnut Hill again... the three of us hanging out on summer nights.

And yet, we're so different from our little selves. Amy left the ice cream place and turned left to go to Massachussets and a husband. Andy is leaving soon to go overseas with the State Dept. And me... the scaredy cat of our younger selves... rode my motorcycle to work this morning.

Happy heart.

Flashback

2010-06-03T21:05:00.001-04:00

I think of my nieces as themselves... not as their parent's children.

If I ever do think of them as someone's child, it's often the moms that I think of.

However this weekend, as I saw them explore all our old play places on Chestnut Hill, and interact with each other, I was keenly aware that I was watching my brother's children.

"Aunt Lindsay!! We found this great place," they shouted from inside the tunnel of lilac bushes that I spent countless hours playing house in as a small girl.

"LOOK!!" they screeched, as they hung onto the same willow tree branches that my hands held years ago, and swung with abandon.

Growing up, Evan & I were always wanting to play, do, and have adventures. Darren was content to read 23 out of the 24 hours in any given day.

I remember the frustration of wanting him to come and make it the three of us having fun, and not just the two of us. (Probably because at the time in our lives, Evan & I were not what we would refer to as friends, and Darren was a fabulous peacekeeper) The deep sighs of disappointment coming from the redhead and myself, as the eldest would inform us that he was happy to keep reading, thank you.

And this weekend, from behind a closed door, I heard Evan's little girl heave a deep sigh, as Darren's little girl curled up in the pappazon chair, reading to her heart's content.

And I smiled.

She's Married!

2010-05-18T21:01:00.002-04:00

My Mantra

2010-05-06T20:59:00.000-04:00

Battle of the Texts

2010-04-19T09:50:00.001-04:00

I sent a picture of the ground cover of snow that we got on Friday to my big brother.

He sent back a picture of a large snow covered mountain near where he was staying in Alaska.

Nobody likes a bragger.

:)

2010-04-10T14:38:00.001-04:00

As I tried to study (read: cram) for my exam before class last night, I was surrounded by the whining of my fellow students.

They were displeased by an instructor for another course, and were each trying to outdo the others with examples of how much this teacher irritated them.

Needing quiet for my studying, and wanting her reputation to have a little more than a shred left by the end of their conversation, I quietly said;

"You guys do know she is my aunt, right?"

People who panicked = them

People who wished I had pictures of each one of their faces = me

Saving the world... one new aunt at a time.

Appropriate Use of Work Time

2010-04-08T17:20:00.001-04:00

Today I was asked by a co-worker what super hero powers I would like to possess.

My first answer was the ability to fly.

My second response... as follows.

(Names changed to protect those using work time for idle chatter.)

Jones, Lindsay M [10:30 AM]:
and perhaps the power to make annoying people disappear

Name, Changed [10:32 AM]:
sweetie thats just called a gun license and a lack of empathy

Name, Changed [10:32 AM]:
if you want that just register as a Republican!

She Yammers

2010-04-06T18:35:00.002-04:00

I realized recently that I no longer blog about things... or events. I was using it only to showcase pieces that were deep... or poetic... or spiritually significant... or stories.

And I miss writing. I miss writing about mundane things. I miss the witness that my blog was to my life.

I am taking three classes this semester, and sit there thinking "I'd love to write about that person." But it's generally if they are doing something ridiculous or annoying... or both. And since I'm trying to curb my snarkiness, those posts will not be published.

But since this realization, I've freed myself from my own expectations of not posting anything unless it's Pullitzer Prize worthy. Why deny myself the joy that is writing, just because it's not deep?

So I will blog again. And if you dont want to read about the commoness that is my life, you are free to close this out! (Editor's note... Lindsay is working a lot of hours, taking three classes, playing on the worship team, and doing as many practicum hours as she can, so the line "I will blog again" must needs be taken with a grain of salt, and a realization that there are only 24 hrs in her day, some of which should be put in the "sleeping" catergory)

Yesterday I was walking through the halls at work, mentally keeping a list of all the things that had gone wrong that day. And by wrong I mean Significantly Wrecking My Day Wrong. There were many and I was replaying them over and over so I wouldn't forget them. And I stopped in the middle of the hall and asked myself when had I become that person? The person who only looks at the bad. That's not who I am. Or not who I thought I was, at least.

So today I tried to focus on the good.

And today went surprisingly better than yesterday.

- I got to sleep in until 6 instead of getting up at 5
- Someone bought me coffee this morning
- And someone else bought me lunch
- I've worked hard on my organizational skills, and was told by a trainer travelling to our site today, that my class was the most organized one he'd seen in his five years of training
- The last 15 minutes of my work day were spent in conversation with someone who makes me laugh so hard I cry
- Shopping on the way home, I found a raincoat that was regularly $80, now mine for only $22
- I talked to Rachelle on my way home and heard little Evie (my goddaughter, you know!! :) cooing in the background
- Leaves are starting to come out, and the forsythias are in full bloom
- Another person scheduled a massage, which means I'm chalking up my practice hours
- And for dinner, I have my ultimate comfort food just waiting to be made

So today, you might say, was a happy yellow rain coat in the midst of a rain storm!

Seasons

2010-03-06T19:28:00.001-05:00

Ask anyone in NH what their favorite part of living here is, and nine times out of ten the answer you'll receive is "I love all four seasons!"

But ask that same person that same question after the third April snowstorm, and the seasons thing isn't quite so dear to their hearts. They are not pleased, because the most difficult season has lasted too long. It has dared to go beyond the boundaries of the calendar.

My favorite season is Fall. And when September is too hot or November sees too much snow, I feel gypped. Gypped because my favorite season was too short.

I've been thinking about seasons a lot this week. But not the four seasons I am lucky enough to experience because I'm a NH girl.

Seasons of life.

And I realized that the way I view Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall are very similar to the way that I view seasons of life.

If a wonderful season is cut short, I feel gypped. If a difficult season goes longer than I feel it should, I am displeased.

And all through these thoughts, the words to this song have been floating...

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

In every season, He is still God... And that's enough.

It has to be.

Bodies

2010-02-03T11:44:00.001-05:00

I was reading a magazine to keep my bored self on the treadmill for longer than three seconds last night, and came across this article about bodies... and how most women feel the pressure to be emaciated, yet the majority of women are nowhere close to that.

At the top of the article, in large font it read "Why are we so hard on ourselves, when the people who love us are so much more forgiving?"

The magazine had gone out to their readers and asked them to finish the statement "My body is..." The only guidelines were that the responders could not say anything negative.

And the answers were beautiful.

My body is...

* tough and stubborn!

* a gift from God.

* freaking awesome!

* fun to live in.

* beautiful and full of talent. I love my body. It's also hungry... almost all the time :)

* short, but thinks it's tall!

* my best friend.

* not perfect. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

So, as I walked on the treadmill and applauded these women in my mind, I wondered what I would write.

And decided I would reply "My body finally gained my respect and love in it's 30th year."

What would you say?

Glancing Back While Facing Forward

2009-12-30T03:48:00.001-05:00

On that day, as a crumpled heap of sorrow on the floor, I didn't think my shattered heart would make it to the next day... much less ten years.

And yet, here I stand, on a day when I allow myself to look back as well as forward.

The stages of grief that I was so clueless about, but had to experience... ready or not... have formed me into who I am today.

What was unimaginable has become a part of the tapestry that is my life.

The raw pain, wrenching sobs, and throwing up that turned to bittersweet tenderness when her name dances across my mind
The weird guilt of "am I even allowed to hurt this badly if she was just my friend, not my sister?" that turned to "I loved her - that is enough to warrant sorrow"
The solace found in lyrics and poems that turned into precious gems that I carry in my heart and on my body
The angry glares at the stars that turned into understanding glances as I speak words I want only her to hear
The ready tears as each new memory surfaced that turned to secret smiles as the years have made them worn out and indescribably dear
The panic as I began to forget little things about her that turned to joy when I remembered new ones
The purple balloons released on each birthday that turn into spots of soaring happiness as they get further from me and closer to her
The refuge found in the arms of someone who whispered "I know" that turned into my arms holding others and my mouth whispering comfort

It still sometimes makes me sick to my stomach when I am reminded that we wont have any new memories until Heaven.
Or when I see a picture of her when I'm not expecting it.
Or hear a story that I hadn't remembered... that isn't safely in my mind's box of "I have mulled these over for enough years that they are now sweet and not painful."

I tend to think "I owe a lot to you, Mindy Dawn," and then I realize that while I do owe you a lot, I owe so much more to the One who has faithfully guided me on this journey... the One who has allowed me to learn of ridiculously powerful emotions through losing you. The One who you are currently adoring face to face.

And so I'm quiet on this day... remembering... loving... and praying for those who miss you so deeply.

Taking some consolation in the fact that perhaps these beautiful words by Antoine de Saint-Exupery were penned especially for us:

"You – you alone – will have the stars as no one else has them.
In one of the stars I shall be living.
In one of them I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night…
You — only you — will have stars that can laugh!”

To You...

2009-10-29T22:52:00.002-04:00

They left me
with your shadow,
saying things like
Life is not fair

& I believed them
for a long time.

But today,
I remembered
the way you laughed
& the heat
of your hand
in mine

& I knew that
life is more fair
than we can
ever imagine
if
we are there to live it

-brian andreas

Worth Every Penny

2009-10-27T20:30:00.001-04:00

Several weeks ago I went out to dinner with a friend... and then coffee... and then a little perusal of the treasures that TJ Maxx has to offer.

And while we were in TJ Maxx, I spent the best $2.99 of my life, for I discovered and purchased a little book entitled "1001 Ways to Meet Mr Right." Classic!

I had already gotten my three dollars worth out of it by the time we exited the store, as I had followed him around while he shopped for shirts, laughing and reading him ridiculous excerpts.

The woman who wrote this book is all kinds of serious about her topic, but my gosh, she is out of control. Not only does she give a full paragraph on each place to go, she also put pros and cons on some of her best ideas.

Allow me to share some of my faves.

Tattoo parlor - now on this one, she graciously listed pros and cons... the con she chose was "Hepatitis." Well yes, I would agree that hepatitis is pretty high on my con list, but she did also admit that most tattoo parlors in our era are clean

Writing your will - "...gives you the opportunity to have a face-to-face meeting with a handsome, eligible lawyer... do a little research and find a single, male lawyer..." Con on this one? "Lawyers may not be your type."

Maternity Ward - she does tell you not to go after the new dads, but holds out hope that new babies have uncles or that the new dads have friends. But really, let's talk about this for a bit. Are you supposed to wait until a friend has a child? Or do a stake out at the local hospital? She doesn't say, therefore I am flummoxed. Probably wont use this tip, since there was so little guidance. Also, no pros and cons listed.

Out with your brother - this one made me laugh out loud. My brothers are a pastor and a lawyer (not single, ladies, so don't ask him to draw up your will!) and I've often said that if I ever bring someone home, they'd have it worse off with the boys than with Dad. I just dont see D&E as my wing men.

In a car accident - "... certainly not to suggest that you should go around aiming at cars in hopes of getting in a car accident..." This one is kind of two for the price of one. She not only talks about the other person involved, but maybe even a cute police officer will show up.

Swiss Alps - if I spend the money to go to the Swiss Alps, and there is not an amazingly attractive man holding a sign that says "Lindsay - I am your Mr Right" I am going to be seriously ticked off.

The Mutual UFO Network - "If you have always had a fascination with outer space... consider joining." Words fail me.

In traffic - You'll be glad to know that now not only do you have to worry about someone talking on their cell, or texting, or just plain not paying attention. Oh no. Now there is a website called flirtingintraffic.com where you register and are issued a sticker for your car with an ID on it, so that if someone thinks you are cute and they are ALSO registered on this website, they can write down your information from your sticker (for the sake of myself, driving alongside these people, I trust that the stickers are gigantic, and the numbers are short, so there is not a lot of squinting and writing involved, to take their eyes off the road) and contact you. The con in this is obvious: "... only be effective if more and more flirtatious drivers catch on."

Working as a florist - "Sure, florists get a lot of men coming in to buy flowers for their wives or girlfriends. But sometimes relationships don't work out."

Proviso: If your sister, mother, wife, girlfriend, aunt or cousin is the author of this book, I apologize for any hurt feelings you might have gotten with the mocking tone you have most likely perceived in the above paragraphs. If you met your spouse in one of the above situations, I also apologize.

A Glimpse Into What I Believe

2009-09-26T15:40:00.001-04:00

I looked up "faith" in the dictionary. Read through all the different definitions. Read them through again.

Funny, but I found nothing about it being a crutch.

And that's what I hear mine referred to as so frequently.

I'm not what we would refer to as an intellectual. So when I have conversations about religion with people who are smarter than me, I hear all their words, and wish that my thinking wasn't so heart based... but that it was more fact based.

It frustrates me, because I know what I believe. And though I'm a consummate people pleaser, when it comes to my faith, no amount of pressure from anyone is going to rock my solid relationship with Jesus.

One of my friends asked me awhile ago what I believe about God. I replied that I believe in a God who is fully vested in my life - both day to day, and eternal.

We all get hurt in life. We all limp. Some limp more than others, because their pain has been deeper, more traumatic.

But it's what we do about our limp that determines how we live. We can get angry at the accident that caused it, and turn bitter. Or deny that it's there, and live a hampered existence.

Sometimes, I think, it takes more courage to admit that the pain is there, that we're not perfect, and that using a "crutch" will help our quality of life, instead of limping along in growing frustration.

You may scorn my Crutch... but He's willing to be yours as well... if you'll let Him.

Cell Phones - Love mine. Hate others.

2009-09-19T08:17:00.000-04:00

Texting has been a major problem throughout my current training class. So yesterday I tried a new tactic.

I greeted the class in my usual, and often excessively cheerful way.

"HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!!"

"Happy Friday!" was the we've-not-quite-had-enough-caffeine-for-you response.

"We're going to start today with a GAME!" (still manic face, big smile, excited voice)

"YAY!!" caffeine intake forgotten, I had their full attention

"This fun time is called the (face change to stone) 'I'm really sick of telling you to stop texting so take out your phones and line them up on this table' game!"

Not fans of this game, my class.

I, on the other, had one of the best mornings ever.

As of yesterday at 4:30, my class reached the end of week seven, which means that we are officially half way done.

And even after the game we played that morning, the class did not renege my invitation to their "Glass Half Full" party last night.

But when I walked into the Puritan Back Room, someone did ask if they all had to put their cell phones in the middle of the table.

Hating Goodbyes This Day

2009-09-12T13:20:00.000-04:00

I hate goodbyes, so it stands to reason that I've never been a fan of death.

I remember as a little girl, panicking before Grandma Springer's funeral, because I just couldn't handle the sorrow.

And I became even less a fan when in college my tight-knit group of friends learned the lesson that we're not as invincible as we thought, when we lost one of our own.

So, I just don't think about it.

I'm the one who only likes to watch funny movies.

Who doesn't like to hear or read sad stories.

Who desperately tries to see the silver lining... even if there isn't one.

But when I got the call this morning that I lost a co-worker and friend I was reminded again of how much I hate death.

I know that as a Christian, death is not final. But when you're the one left behind, it can often feel that way.

He knew I played keys, so he came to church with me two weeks ago to hear. Neither of us knew that as of yesterday, he'd be lucky enough to be enjoying in person, what we were singing about.

Wish I could hug you one more time, Sir.

Until then, I'll be the one down here... looking for that silver lining.

Things Unfinished

2009-08-23T20:58:00.000-04:00

Most of us have them.

A closet full of half finished works of art...

A garage with various projects strewn around...

A drawer filled with "possibilities."

Tonight I found mine in my writing files.

I was looking through half written poems, blog posts, songs, letters... my life in snippets.

Words that wont meld to my will.

Little glimpses of my heart.

That may never be seen by other's eyes because the right words are elusive.

I would no more show them to the world than a seamstress would wear a skirt unhemmed.

Though I am frustrated with them for being stubborn, and myself for not being able to finish them... they are my creations, nonetheless.

And I feel a strong affection for them, even in their unfinished state.

Memory Lane

2009-08-04T22:08:00.000-04:00

I was just reading my blog and realized that next month I'll reach my five year anniversary of being a blogger.

So many words - so many memories.

It's strange to go back to the beginning and read it... in fact, some of the posts made me cringe. Not the content as much as the writing style.

And yet as I read, there were common themes. The themes that are still forefront in my life.

Relishing in the joy of being an Aunt
Missing Mindy - and longing for eternity to spend with her
Sometimes struggling against, and sometimes embracing my single status
How growing hurts, but how it's worth it

But most of all... my relationship with Jesus... with all it's raw emotion, and joyful abandon

And I realized, though my writing style has changed, and though I am five years older, happier, and much more grounded... The important things in my life are still the same.

And I was glad.

Why Yes - She IS Mine!

2009-08-01T14:38:00.001-04:00

Truth

2009-07-26T21:26:00.000-04:00

"We all need to hear God's voice.

Our longings, aches and pains are thin threads to that voice.

Stay long enough in the aloneness,

and you'll find that the silence of God becomes a whisper,

and then the whisper

becomes the voice that you recognize."

~ Nancy Ortberg

Longing

2009-07-06T20:29:00.001-04:00

The rays of the sun were long and flat, shining through a small opening in the evening clouds.

And as I walked, my breath stopped for a moment. My heart constricted tightly with an intense longing for the eternal.

Heaven seemed so close at that moment, that I felt if I looked just a little harder, I'd see Mindy dancing and laughing... I'd see the outstretched arms of the One who loves me most.

I realized there were tears in my eyes, and I truly didn't know if they were from staring at the sun, or because at that moment I was experiencing such a desperate longing that my heart felt almost broken.

It seemed close enough to cover the distance in two steps, yet at the same time, so far away that I knew I'd never reach it.

The clouds shifted. The portal closed. And I felt so... left behind.

At that moment, this treasure, nestled between Coldplay and Beyonce, came on my iPod.

Welcome Home, you

I know you by name

How do you do?

I shine because of you today

So come and sit down

Tell me how you are

I know son, it's good

just to see your face

So, here I was, longing for what is to come, yet remembering I'm here for a purpose. And left with a clearer vision. One that will lay down the confusion, chaos, betrayal, and hurt that is life.

One that will remember the portal will be open one day. And I wont be left behind.

Pleased To Meet You

2009-06-28T20:48:00.000-04:00

Have you heard an introduction of two people lately? Names are exchanged, smiles are smiled and then... "What do you do?"

We, as amazing and beautiful individuals, have been reduced to what we spend 40 (or in so many lives, many more than 40) hours a week accomplishing.

But I am so much more than what I do.

I wish I could answer the question of "what do you do" in a way that was honest and thought provoking.

But so many people are uncomfortable with those who get out of pretty little boxes with labels tidily put on them.

Imagine with me...

"What do you do?"

"I laugh... and I make people laugh."

"Oh, you're a comedian?"

"No... I am actually a corporate trainer for an insurance company."

Silence.

"Oh."

I am so much more than I do! I reject being defined by what earns my paycheck.

I am a princess, in both the eyes of my dad, and my Father.

I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a friend.

I have the heart of a mother, though I have not birthed a child.

I am one who walks with face forward, slightly upturned, to accept sun or rain on my face.

I feel music running through my body most of my waking hours.

I play with words in my head, molding them to do my will.

I am physically small, but spiritually tall.

I laugh. I cry. I dance. I make music.

I am mesmerized by fire, calmed by the ocean, invigorated by wind.

I am loved and I love with abandon.

I am... so much more than what I do.

And you?

My Epiphany

2009-06-25T22:37:00.003-04:00

As I get further into my studies, I am amazed by how much I have fallen in love with the body. It is a thing of beauty. And I am fascinated by it.

Beyond the flippant "our bodies are amazing things", bodies are not generally talked about. And when they are, it's often in a negative light. Thanks to Hollywood and tabloids, the body is looked at as something that is too ugly or too fat... until it crosses that line into too much surgery or too skinny. Nothing is ever perfect. The media has no happy medium between the "fat" size 4 and the "too skinny" size -0. Though some see those in the spotlight as a constant beacon of what to emulate, others cry that "normal" should be the exact opposite.

Yet even less talked about is body image. It's something that's whispered about in the dark, and I think if people were being honest, thought about constantly, but never spoken of out loud. And I'm tired of it. I want to say the words. I want to open dialogue. I want to love what God has made me.

I have struggled in this area for years. I've cried countless tears, looked with envy at thousands of other women, and the list of things I would choose to change about myself is long and varied. I've not believed what others have said, and I've chosen instead to internally berate who I am and how I look.

But through this last year and a half, and especially through my classes, I'm learning lessons that are not taught in the text books.

I've learned that the people I look at as perfect, have their own demons that they fight. And that they have just as long a list as I do, filled with things that they'd like to change about their bodies.

When I have a person on my massage table, I become completely absorbed in my work. My entire focus is to nurture that person as a whole, to build them up, to help them feel safe, and to let Jesus heal with my hands.

I see beauty. Each person is so different, and it is truly awe inspiring.. .

And I had an epiphany. In thinking of how much I instill into the person I'm working on, and how much I love what I am doing, I put it into a small scale of what God did when He created me.

Massage is what I'm good at. It's what I'm happiest doing. And if, after all that I put into the body I'm working on, the person were to say that they cringed every time I touched them, that they felt unsafe, unloved, or unlovely, I would be devastated.

Creating is what God is good at. And I wonder if it's what He's happiest doing. And I realized that each time I look with scorn at my body, I'm doing the very thing that would devastate me as a therapist, to the One who created me. I am taking something He loved making, and telling Him that I think it's worthless.

In the months since this epiphany, I've realized that it does not give me license to let myself go. I have made countless changes in the past six months to stop disrespecting my body, not ignore it just because I'd accepted the fact that I'll never be a size 4. I am learning to embrace the fact that I am who I am. And if the One who knows what He's doing looked at me and declared it good, who am I to say otherwise?

There are still going to be pictures of myself that I don't like. There will be angles that I appreciate more than others, but I will choose to no longer despise what God created in love.

I'm learning to live with abandon, knowing that He thinks I'm full of worth... and that's all that matters.

The Motions

2009-06-21T21:10:00.002-04:00

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions

- Matthew West

ABCs of Me :)

2009-05-29T20:45:00.001-04:00

A little light reading :)

A - Age: 30
B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chore you hate: vvaaccuummiinngg (mainly b/c I can't spell it - never remember how many c's and u's)
D - Dog's name: Growing up, it was our pug Ticket!
E - Essential start your day item: Coffee w/ milk and one equal, please
F - Favorite color: I have a hard time w/ this question... do I answer which color I like to wear? (blue) or which color I like in nature? (bright green of spring) or just a color I like to look at b/c it makes me happy? (orange)
G - Gold or Silver: Silver!
H - Height: 5' 1"
I - Instruments you play: Piano :)
J - Job title: Let's call me a Corporate Trainer in school to be a Massage Therapist
K - Kid(s): Not a one
L - Living arrangements: My little apartment on Chestnut Hill
M - Mom's name: Bafferly
N - Nicknames: Linds, Meg, Pollyanna, Sunshine
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: None
P - Pet Peeve: I would say listening to people chew is pretty darn high on the list!
Q - Quote from a movie: "Pork, mother!"
R - Right or left handed: Righty
S - Siblings: Two of the best big brothers on the planet, two pretty great sisters in law, and one wicked cute adopted little sister!
T - Time you wake up: Alarm is set for a little before six...
U- Underwear: What do we think this question is about? Do I wear it? (why yes, yes I do) What kind? (that's a tad bit personal, fyi)
V - Vegetable you dislike: Brussel sprouts
W - Ways you run late: Because I couldn't drive as fast as I wanted to?
X - X-rays you've had: Lots of ones of my crooked spine
Y - Yummy food you make: Beef stroganoff, of course
Z - Zoo favorite: Primates! And penguins!

Well... Have You?

2009-05-19T19:07:00.004-04:00

Have you ever walked into a restaurant and read on the face of the hostess that her entire evening has been completely destroyed because you have come to her establishment? I've driven past a restaurant several times in my stay down here that said it was Spanish & Mediterranean cuisine. Tonight I decided to try it... hoping it would focus mainly on the Mediterranean (maybe I'd get lucky and there'd be some Greek food?) portion of their sign. I noticed a "Proper attire required" sign on the front door, but figured my khakis and black shirt were appropriate. Plus, I have a cute pink purse, and was wearing clever sandals. There were other patrons in khaki there, but apparently my choice of clothing didn't meet her standards. She deigned to seat me anyway.

Have you ever opened a menu and realized with sheer panic that e-v-e-r-y single item (save three) included your least favorite food... seafood? There was shrimp, mussels, octopus, squid, salmon, and many, many fish names that I'd never heard of before.

Have you ever been scorned by your waiter for ordering a Diet Coke. He skulked away from the table and then turned around saying plaintively "You're the driver?" "Yes - yes, I'm the driver."

Have you ever dipped hot, crusty bread into the purest olive oil you've ever seen or tasted? It was delicious, and made my mouth happy. But then, wiped the crumbs onto the floor, in fear that they would figure out you were mortal, and had indeed gotten bits of crust on the tablecloth. After eating a bit of the bread, I ordered an appetizer of bruschetta and a salad as my entree.

Have you ever done something that made you giggle to yourself numerous times during your meal? The waiter brought the bruschetta and it was beautifully presented on the plate. There was a big bunch of specialty lettuce in the middle, with four pieces of bread, spread with pesto, olive oil, tomatoes and that Spanish ham that I can never remember the name of. I'm not a fan of the ham, so after eating a bit of it, I lifted up the pretty lettuce garnish and hid the ham underneath, hoping an enraged chef wouldn't come flying out of the kitchen to demand I answer for my crime when they took the plate back and scraped it off.

Have you ever wondered if they are in fact hatching, growing and then in turn preparing the chicken that you will be eating, because it's taking so long? I had eaten some of my appetizer and was reading (I know - that's probably another reason that they didn't like me, but it was either read or have a staring contest with the hostess... who refused to make eye contact with me, and sighed each time she walked past my table), waiting patiently for my salad, and out of the corner of my eye I could see the waiter staring at me. Finally he came to the table and asked if I was still working on my appetizer. OH! THAT's why my food hadn't come. I did not know this was protocol. In the restaurants I normally eat at, they huck the entree on the table as soon as you've put the first bite of appetizer into your mouth.

Have you ever not known some of the things you were eating, but all in the name of "salad?" The chicken was amazing, the cheese was smooth and sharp, the lettuce spicy, the white asparagus gross and slimy, the granny smith apples pucker tart and crispy, and the dressing strong and unknown.

Have you ever breathed a sigh of relief at the same time your hostess and waiter did, that the meal was finally over?

Have you ever been more than grateful that this entire experience was paid for by your employer and not out of your own earnings?

And finally...

Have you ever laughed your entire way to the car... just by yourself... revelling in the strangeness of it all?

If so, then welcome to my evening!

Narcissist's Anonymous

2009-05-18T18:16:00.003-04:00

Due to the lack of punctuation on this comment from my latest End of Course Evaluation, the point of this sentence is quite different from what I can only assume the participant meant.

"The trainer kept comming (sic) up with ways to keep us wanting to learn she was the best."

Yes.

My name is Lindsay and I am a narcissist. I frequently come up with new and creative ways of teaching my trainees that I am, indeed, the best.

Life Source

2009-05-17T20:30:00.002-04:00

Sit... and watch. Mesmerized by the sound of the water falling?

Drag your hand just below the surface, feeling your fingers resist the water's tension?

Dip a toe in?

Turn your face toward it, hoping for a mist to refresh?

Or jump in and dance with abandon?

What do you do with the Life Source?

My Day in Bullet Form

2009-05-13T22:53:00.002-04:00

Took my class outside for review... which turned into sitting around talking... which turned into charades
Got a sunburn on my right shoulder from our "review"
Laughed so hard I cried
Listened to people in my class discuss the different shades of chocolate that is their skin
Had a very pleasant run in with an 80-ish year old in the parking lot of the grocery store
Decided to forgo the elliptical and went for a long walk, exploring the small town where I'm staying
Ordered room service
Fell into bed at 9:00 because I was so tired
Still awake
Apparently not as sleepy as I thought

The Woman I Call "Mom"

2009-05-10T19:22:00.001-04:00

She taught me by example how to love unconditionally
She is an eternal optimist, because she knows a God who can be trusted
She’s not afraid to show emotion
Nor is she afraid to allow others to feel grief or joy in her presence
She’s lap I grew up sitting on
The lap I still sit on when life gets to be too much
She shares my sense of humor and thinks I’m funny
And is the only person who genuinely cares how many calories I burn on the elliptical
She cries when I’m sad
And allows me to say “It hurts”
She prays for me every day - numerous times, I know
Her voice cracks when she is praying and gets to the part where she says, “Lord, I know you love my daughter even more than I do… and I just can’t even fathom that”
She’s my commercial buddy during shared TV shows
Yet also instilled in me my love of reading
She’s the one, who when I’m sick says into the phone “I’ll just sit here and be quiet with you, so you’re not alone when you’re sick”
She rejoiced when the country song came out “You’re mama’s still your biggest fan” and it fast became our song
Through her tutelage I fell in love with words, and have learned from her how to make them do what I want them to do
Her favorite one-liner is “God has a good track record”
And she knows all the right times to say it
She rose above an imperfect growing up experience, to provide an idyllic one for us kids
Her mother heart is huge, as evidenced by all my friends who also call her Mom
She saw worth in me years before I saw it myself
She has all of us kids secretly convinced that we’re her favorite
Her passion for her family is surpassed only by her love for her God
And she’s the one who gave birth to the woman writing this, who knows how very lucky she is to call this amazing woman “Mom”

All in a Day's Work

2009-05-06T21:00:00.001-04:00

One of my new participants has been late three out of three mornings.

Each day I inform Ms Tardy via email that she needs to update her timecard to show the time that she arrived for work.

This morning I added that she needs really needs to take this training seriously and get here at 8:00.

Her response to me went something like this.

"It is important to me to be here, however it is not my fault that I have been late. There has been heavy traffic on (insert large highway near where I am staying) and if this continues, I expect to continue to be late. If you doubt this, please check with the traffic advisory."

I graciously replied if she continued to think that heavy traffic would be an issue for the duration of training that she should perhaps

a) find an alternate route
or
b) leave home a little earlier

There was no reply.

One of us is not holding our breath to see what tomorrow holds!

Today was one of those days...

2009-05-05T20:40:00.005-04:00

You know, a day where:

... you drag yourself out of bed after very few hours of sleep to get to work extra early, to start your class at 8:00 with only three people (THREE PEOPLE!) who have deigned to show up to work on time
... you wear a sombrero while training a class that very blatantly couldn't care less what you have to say
... the guy doing your nails tells you "this is the type of day to curl up on the couch with your family or boyfriend"
... you eat Thai food to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, because pad thai is way more comforting than salsa.
... you go online to The Biggest Loser website and report that you came within half a pound of your four month weight loss goal, and that NBC is going to donate 19.5 pounds of food to a local food pantry in your name!

You know, just one of those days.

I Found Mr Two-Out-of-Three Man!!

2009-05-03T12:24:00.002-04:00

And I'm sure he was three for three... I'm sure that there was a motorcycle around there somewhere. He was just too busy singing to me to tell me about it :)

For more pictures of the great day in NYC, kindly check out my Facebook

Them That Keep Rules

2009-05-01T09:35:00.000-04:00

This place where I'm living for six weeks has a rule.

And that rule is "Drivers cannot talk on cell phones."

I have been very good about following this rule. But it has made me overzealous about watching that OTHER people follow this rule as well! And I tend to holler (not so they can hear, of course, because that would be confrontational) at various drivers who are NOT following The Rule.

The ironic thing is, though, I'm generally flying past them at a rate of speed that is greater than the "suggested" speed posted on the large white signs by the side of the road.

I've always viewed my third born self as a free spirit. I leave the rule-keeping to my older brothers, both of which are very good at that! Like when Darren & I went to England when I was a senior in high school. We'd be in the middle of a conversation, and I'd be carrying on my end of the conversation while crossing the road, only to realize that my rule abiding brother was still on the sidewalk yards behind me because the red hand had not changed to green, signaling it was now legal to cross.

I religiously "Click It" so I don't get a ticket. But I relish tearing tags off mattresses and pillows.

I wouldn't dream of using a hair dryer in the shower, but happily get into the hot tub here at the hotel, telling Rule #1 on the posted sign "Don't use this alone" to not discriminate against my one-ness.

Signs saying "Don't cross this fence, or you'll plummet to your death" are all well and good, unless there is a breath-taking photo op that is just waiting to be snapped right on the other side of said fence.

Will there be rules in Heaven? Or will I be so happy to be there, I wont mind? Perhaps the rules will be doable - like "Be the most filled with joy that you've ever been, because you've finally met the Only One that your heart has truly desired?"

Tid Bits

2009-04-29T20:59:00.003-04:00

My phone rang tonight, and up popped the picture of my red-headed brother... wearing a pink wig.

So I answered, "I'm at the Outback, where are you."

And there was silence... then a timid "Aunt Lindsay?"

It was Chloe, calling to chat - also to remind me that tomorrow is her birthday :)

--

We had a dramatic afternoon yesterday at the office. I was sitting in the guest cube (which is right in the middle of all the Spanish speaking customer service reps, and I have this constant fear that they're talking about me!) getting ready for next week's training when I began to smell smoke.

After a couple minutes the smell got much stronger, and I started hearing people talking about it. I went to the window, and saw billows of smoke.

Apparently one of the smokers decided it wasn't in their best interest to use the provided receptacle for their cigarette, and dropped it onto the ground... right near a very dry bush. Either that or we were having an encore performance of Exodus 3.

Someone was out there with an extinguisher, but soon the alarm started going off, and we were all herded outside until the fire trucks arrived. They sprayed the bush down for over 10 minutes, and it looks pretty darn funny now.

--

That is all for today :)

Playing the "What do you see in the clouds" Game

2009-04-28T11:17:00.001-04:00

Randomosity

2009-04-27T19:48:00.003-04:00

The first weekend I went home, it was hard to get back in my car and drive, because I didn't feel ready. I didn't feel as if I had connected with enough people, I felt as if my love tank was not full, and I wouldn't make it through the week.

This weekend was so wonderful and so filled with people, that it was hard to get in my car and come back because I didn't want to leave the feeling of having my love tank all filled up.

But here I am. At the end of this week I'll be half way through!

Today was strange. A dichotomy.

I was not training. We finished a week early, so I'm here to help coach them while they take their first week of calls, before I start my second class next Monday.

So, I had some down time in between the questions. And I relished the time to email or communicate with friends back home that I've only had brief moments to talk to since I left.

And yet with that down time, and the availability of ready communication came an extra dose of missing those I love.

Missing loved ones hurts.

Last night I decided I needed to go to the ocean after work today! So, I found a map, found a route and got in my car right after work this afternoon to head to the coast. There was a precious little town near the water, and I drove through, my spirits rising as my body could feel the presence of the ocean... the expectancy that over the next little hill, I would see the water.

I walked around the parks near the water for a long time, and as I stood on a boardwalk, overlooking a marsh I thought, "THIS is what this trip was for. To get outside of the stagnancy that my life had become. To experience." And I was washed with a feeling of euphoria!

This last semester I learned that the air around the ocean is charged with negative ions which can help reset the body's psyche. I don't know what all goes on, but I do know that the ocean has always been my place of recharging, my place of talking to God more openly than I normally do, and I was grateful after a long day to have the wind blow in my face so strongly that it almost took my breath away.

And yet, half way through eating dinner, having just talked to my big brother, and missing him I was craving home. Craving the safety and security that just two weeks ago I was straining against! And that just an hour before, with the ocean wind in my face, I was euphoric I had put behind me.

One of my friends is famous for saying "Pick an emotion and roll with it." Today was not that kind of day.

In other news, this made me laugh today:

One of the girls walked into the classroom and said, "You know all that stuff about pork that's going on. I bet that's why I wasn't feeling well on Friday, because I ate some sausage in the morning."

"Do you mean the Swine Flu? Because that has nothing to do with pork," someone graciously pointed out.

"Oh."

End of conversation. Poor thing, probably thought she was well on her way to a spot on the six o'clock news!

And in still other news:

When I got back to my room tonight, there was a care package from the hotel manager... filled with bottled water, mug, candy, chips, and a pen. I call that kind!

This Post is Short...

2009-04-21T20:36:00.000-04:00

...and so am I.

But the reason I am bringing this up is that there is an awards ceremony at the hotel tonight... for a college basketball team.

The guys are mammoth.

When I walked into the lobby I was immediately thankful that I was not wearing orange.

Because I feel they would have started dribbling me.

The end.

Back In The Saddle Again...

2009-04-20T20:53:00.003-04:00

... back where hotel rooms are... friends?

I pressed the button for the elevator this morning, and when the door opened, I was looking at boxes full of disembodied heads staring up at me. I stared back in horror, and then stared at the three heads attached TO bodies, who also turn stared back at me. Apparently I had disturbed the elevator ride of three hair dressers on their way to the lobby. Not enough coffee in the world would have prepared me for that, fyi.

The day got better, but it was a typical Monday. Things were hitchy in the classroom. The participants had a pretty intense case of the Mondays, and their trainer wasn't much better. Things were not smooth in the materials department, which is not my favorite thing, and made the OCD part of me want to scream a lot of times. However, 4:30 came like it does each day, and I was happy to cross this Monday off my list!

Bought some beautiful tulips on the way home from work, and the make my room feel so Springy and homey!

When I walked into my room, I laughed right out loud, because my bed was made, and my bathroom cleaned, but the maid (is that the right word to call them?) is not one of those "above and beyond" people. I had left my pajamas at the foot of my bed this morning. And there, strewn at the foot of my perfectly made bed, were my pajamas. I could practically see the thought bubble above her head as she made my bed... "If she even THINKS that I get paid to fold her pajamas, well... she is SO WRONG!"

And tonight... tonight I went to an Indian restaurant and it was incredible! The papar (thanks, Jen :) was so good, yet so hot it made my nose run! And the chicken tiki masala was almost as good as India Palace, and the naan was as good as Gil's! All of their food must be pretty hot though, because I could hear people sniffling all around me. There was kind of a feeling of solidarity in the snifflage. Well, I think I was the only one who felt that solidarity, but then again, I was the only blonde amidst a sea of very dark hair.

When I'm living outside of the norm, I tend to view norm as utopia. The whole rose-colored glasses thing. Like all last week I just kept thinking, "I will go back home this weekend and things will be perfect!" How could I forget after just one week that Chestnut Hill may be as close to perfection as possible, but that life is life wherever humans are?

And, to assure my fans that I have not changed spaciness since being away from home. This weekend I had to pick something up at the office, so when I went in, I left little hotel shampoos/lotions for Vicki T as a surprise for Monday morning. (Vicki affectionately demands lotions and shampoos from every trip I take... unless I'm staying with a friend, wherein she informs me I do not have to steal their things to bring back to her.) Last night when I was rummaging through my purse to get my hotel key, I found a bottle of conditioner. "What the...?" Oh gosh! I then remembered I had half a bottle of lotion in my purse when I went home, and then put Vicki's little treasures in there for transport. So, when Vicki T came in this morning she had a bottle of shampoo, a bottle of lotion, and a half-used bottle of lotion, instead of conditioner to complete the set. That is how I roll!

Leading Lady

2009-04-18T22:44:00.003-04:00

Tonight I felt like the heroine in a romantic comedy. Only, there was no romance. And it wasn't funny.

I had a bad day. And I was crying. I went to Evan and Jill's and cried some more. After awhile ice cream and a movie were suggested. Only, the ice cream in the freezer had seen better days. So, I ran down to the little store near them, which was in the throes of closing for the night. The girl saw me drive in, and opened the door.

"Are you closing?" I asked.

"Yes, but come in," she said.

"Good - I need ice cream," I said, though I'm sure she had ascertained something of the sort from my red and puffy eyes, belying the open invitation of "Free Hugs" on my sweatshirt.

"It's over there," she graciously said, averting her eyes to give me some privacy.

The renewed sense of loss at the absence of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby was yet another blow in this day, but I rummaged around and found something chocolately and cold, which filled the need.

And as I paid for my comfort, and walked to the car I thought, "This is the pathetically funny scene in movies. However, I find no humor in this. I find it merely pathetic."

There was no leading man waiting by the car to make my day all better... but who needs that when you have a brother and sister waiting at home, to love you... and help you eat your ice cream?

Day the Fourth

2009-04-15T20:25:00.004-04:00

Greetings from the land of WalMarts, not Targets. Better for my bank account. Unfortunate for my happiness.

The thing that has caused me to say, "hmmm" this day is as follows: In my stay here, I have gone to the workout room numerous times, and up to the concierge lounge for drinks and fruit in the evenings and breakfast in the mornings. And besides the hostess in the lounge, I am the only female I've seen amongst all the businessmen. What do we think about that? I say "hmmm." Do you?

One of my goals for this trip is not to just get out of work and come right back to the hotel. I want to not have a list of "should have done this" when I get home. So, tonight I drove around exploring, trying to familiarize myself with the area. The class had suggested this huge grocery store/farmer's market-ish thing that I went to. It was HUGE! And they had fresh cut flowers for cheap! When I go home this weekend I will bring a vase back with me! Flowers in my room will make me the happiest person around!

Last night as Lisha & I drove around I discovered a Rita's Italian Ice! I cannot even begin to describe the euphoria my heart experienced! I fell in love with that place when I went to visit Darren & Sara last summer. But we don't have them in NH. So I've been salivating after this for almost a year. All day long I thought about it, and told myself I could get one after dinner. But I was too full. My life = wicked hard. Oh well, there's always tomorrow!

Conversation today with Miss Don't-Bore-Us went as follows:

Miss DBU - "What are you going to do tonight?"
Me - "Go tanning. I'm tired of being the whitest person in the room."
Miss DBU - "So, you're no longer going to be the color of the board?" She pointed to the dry erase board I was standing near.
Me - No clever comeback, as I was laughing
She then proceeded to quiz me about tanning in general. Not tanning beds. Just making one's skin darker. Because God gave her skin that doesn't need tanning. And she is confused by the whole process. As I was explaining how it worked to her, I made the mistake of saying "you know?"
Miss DBU - "No, I DON'T know" she informed me, accompanied by head bob and finger wiggle

And that is what I have to say about that!

A Few Thoughts on Day Three

2009-04-14T21:09:00.005-04:00

I didn't think it was possible to be in a place where there are more Dunkin Donuts than where I live... but it is possible. And I am currently in that place. They are EVERYWHERE here, and they make me so happy every time I see them. Makes me feel as if I am not too far away from home.

And also, there are so many nail places, that I could stop at least 15 different places on the way back to the hotel from the office... and the office is less than five minutes away.

Yesterday I asked the class to come up with a list of things that they felt would make the class run smoothly. I do this with all of my classes, and we refer to it as a class contract. The class had a hard time coming up with things... after painfully silent minutes, they came up with four things. The last one was "don't bore us" aimed at me. Less than two hours later, after having them listen to a sample call, I asked if they had found it interesting. All but one nodded. Miss "Don't Bore Us" stared at me blankly. "Was that boring for you?" I asked. She nodded. My inside voice became my out loud voice and I said, "Get used to it Sweetheart - that's what the next three weeks are going to be."

I slightly dreaded going in today, not knowing what she would consider "boring" out of the materials we needed to cover. But I'm happy to report that today she stayed fully participatory during class, and didn't say the "b" word once.

There have been a few times that my mind has threatened to remind me that I'm away from all the people I love, and should be lonely. But I manfully (maturely? womanly? stoically?) stuff those feelings, and find more things to do to keep my mind occupied.

Went out for dinner with my "subject matter expert" from my class (she's a sweetheart!), talked to family, worked out, cried during the Biggest Loser, got voicemails and texts that made me feel loved... all good things.

Tomorrow is halfway through my first week!

Operation: Outside the Box... Day Two

2009-04-13T19:57:00.003-04:00

(and don't worry, they wont all bear this title... but it's working for now)

I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST DAY!

There were some bumps, but nothing that threw me off my game. I felt so peaceful and knew that it was because I have so many people in my corner, praying and supporting! So, thank you, my peeps!

I didn't start training until 1:00, so I had time to get set up and feel settled.

Met some good people! Met some other people... you know... the ones who make you appreciate the good people.

I wont bore you with the details of after work I drove around a bit to familiarize myself with my new town, picked up dinner, and got back to the hotel 11 hours after I left it this morning.

Oh, and here's my funny story of the day:

I had just gotten settled in my room when someone knocked on my door. Not just a knock, knock, but a knock.. knock, knock, knock, knock... knock... knock. See, on Chestnut Hill, a knock on the door just means that it's someone who DOESN'T have a key to my house, and hasn't already let themselves in. I got on my tiptoes and looked out the peephole. Didn't see a weapon, so figured I was safe and opened the door. It was the bellman (is that their politically correct term??) to hand deliver a note from the corporate manager inviting me upstairs for free drinks, yummy food, and for free breakfasts each morning.

My heart = jump-started!

Operation: Outside the Box... Day One

2009-04-12T20:27:00.002-04:00

Today my travels began. When I first heard about it, I was ecstatic. I'd wanted this for a couple of years, and I was so excited to get things started! Then, reality hit, I didn't have enough time to prep the materials, computer access issues have come up, and this past week I've been fighting down (sometimes, not very successfully) panic.

This weekend, however, I decided it was no longer worth panicking about. Monday would come regardless of whether I'd stressed about it or not, so why continue stressing? I might as well go into this adventure looking at it as just that... an adventure! One that I had not only asked my boss numerous times for, but also knocked on Heaven's door for.

So, adventure it will be!

Today was a killer day. Got up early to go to my church for Easter Service, then flew to Milfrog to see Chloe in their Easter service. Kissed the kids, said my goodbyes to Evan & Jill, and ran home to pack... because, yes... I had done no packing.

Packed in less than an hour, said goodbye to Amy, and got on the road.

Adventure - begun!

After a comedy of errors (who even knew that EVERYTHING would be closed on Easter), waiting forever at a toll booth because I had the luck to be behind a car that paid a 65 cent toll with a $100 bill, I got to my destination. (I will not be telling you, would-be-stalkers, where I am exactly)

I had no idea that a place only a few hours south of Chestnut Hill would be so far ahead of us in Spring. The grass is much greener, and I saw my first forsythia blooming as I drove!

The only thing that threatened to grab my peace away today was when I signed my bill for the room... it said "How many nights will guest be staying" and next to that was the number 40. Forty nights seems so much longer than six weeks. My check-out day is May 22. However, I will be going home some weekends, so will hold onto that!

The room is nice and big, and even had a CD to lull me to sleep and lavender pillow mist waiting for me. There is a large and beautiful pool, as well as an intense work out room that will help me continue with our work's Biggest Loser while I'm away. (Yes, Theresa - I already used it tonight!)

I went to grab some dinner, and sat there happily eating while enduring the pitying glances of those around me whose thought bubbles read, "How pathetic is she, to be sitting all by herself in a restaurant on Easter... and also, she's wearing a Red Sox shirt, which is unfortunate." YES! It's TRUE! As well as being advanced in the Spring department, this place is closer to the team-of-which-we-do-not-speak. And I saw much team-of-which-we-do-not-speak paraphernalia being worn.

So, here I am. Trading in my beloved NH, close proximity to loved ones, an apartment that I adore, the safety and security of a life where I mind-numbingly make the same trek to work that I've made for over six years, for a chance to spread my wings, a pool, room service and a king-sized bed that will be made for me each morning... oh yeah... and training something I just learned myself to people who know more than me about the company, but less than me about this aspect.

I have officially jumped out of my box!

So Good Days - 1
Much Bad Days - 0

Now You Know!

2009-03-26T20:00:00.000-04:00

There's a lot on my mental plate right now, which generally means that I have a desperate longing for purging my thoughts via blogging, but that I generally don't allow myself the time because things Must Be Done!

My prayer for the past several months has been "Please, I need something different!" I didn't know what that difference needed to be, I just knew that it needed... to be.

Living a stagnant life is not something that I'm willing to do, and I was feeling that way. Job the same. House the same. Personal life the same. School the same. Something needed to give.

I needed to get outside of my box.

And God answered.

Starting in April, I'll be traveling for work for at least six weeks, could be longer dependent on the powers that be in United Land. Still a trainer. Still for United, but a smaller subsidiary, with new customers, systems and guidelines.

The hotel is beautiful, and when I get excited about the ammenities, my supervisor graciously reminds me that I have to train while I'm there, not just swim. Killjoy.

When the panic of short deadlines, and large stacks of paper to wade through sets in I keep reminding myself, "This is what you want! And asking to get outside of the box entails... getting out of the box! Do it up!"

The snow is melting! The air smells fresh! And I saw one of Mrs Holland's beloved bluebirds tonight!

Spring is on the way - outside, and in my heart!

I aim to find joy in every step of this journey!

What Is Joy To You?

2009-02-28T10:18:00.002-05:00

In school a few weeks ago my instructor said "Each of us was created for joy."

Webster defines joy as "a feeling of happiness that comes from success, good fortune, or a sense of well-being... a source of happiness."

I'd always thought of joy as some manic happiness that never left. And that to be a joy-filleld person, I could never feel anything but pure elation!

But after much soul-searching, and God-searching, I define joy as an inner core knowledge of who I am, and where I fit into His plan.

Looking at it that way brings relief to my perfectionist heart. Knowing that if I have a bad day, I have not become someone who has "lost their joy."

How do you define it?

My Turn Now

2009-02-10T18:53:00.000-05:00

He worked the night shift

I'd strain my ears for the sound of his car

A brief honk

I'd smile and roll over

His goodnight honk, my small body's permission to go to sleep

Now I am the driver in the dark, but mine is early morning

As I pass their house, I gently tap my horn

My way of repaying all those nightly messages

And I smile

Work Hazards

2009-02-04T14:22:00.004-05:00

I spend a lot of time on the door signs for my classes that I teach at work.

People know this.

They also know I have a severe case of OCD when it comes to my door signs.

And some of my co-workers take no end of glee in marring my masterpieces with small dots of ink.

To prevent that, I just posted this note next to my newest sign.

Exercisers Anonymous

2009-01-31T12:09:00.002-05:00

"Hi, my name is Lindsay, and I hate exercising."

(I should be hearing a rousing "Hi Lindsay" from those of you who also feel this way!)

I truly, truly hate it. I hate spelling it because I'm always wanting to add a "c" after the "x", and I hate doing it.

A couple nights ago I was with a friend and she said, "Lindsay - I've known you for over two years. I know you're not an angry person. I've never seen you angry... except for when you talk about exercising. Then you scare me a little."

The experts say you should find something you love to do. Great point. Thank you, experts.

I love kickboxing! And did it for quite awhile, but it's across the road from work. I get out of work around 4:00... kickboxing starts at 6:30. I don't want to hang around the thriving metropolis of Hooksett for 2.5 hours, nor do I want to drive half an hour home, change, drive half an hour back, get my butt kicked for an hour, and drive the half an hour home again!

So, I got the videos. Billy Bob, Billy Bo, OH - Billy BLANKS! Not really a good time.

This New Year's I made the "resolution" that I had to exercise before watching TV in the evening.

In order to do that, I decided to take the expert's advice and find something I liked to do. I found a dance video that I thought would be way more fun than an aerobic one. Here's the unfortunate thing. Don't know if it was my upbringing where dancing was not quite the thing to do, or if no one told me that my hips were actually fused at birth, but I am NOT a gifted dancer. I knew this about myself, but thought maybe a video would help. I get more of a workout laughing at my uncoordinated self, then I do from actually dancing. (side-note: In my mind I am an amazing dancer... practically a prima dona. On the dance floor, I am more like an epileptic squirrel. True Fact.)

But even this video, with it's laughter inducing moves, is getting on my nerves. The last time I did it I thought I might have a stroke, because she kept saying things like "The higher you jump, the more calories you burn" and I would yell at her that I was jumping as high as I could, thank you very much. Then she'd say "Give it all the energy you can" to which I screamed that I didn't have any energy left, and would she please leave me alone.

My favorite exercise is to just take walks. But trying to take walks during the winter in NH is a post of its own... snow banks, snow plows, ice, leave for work when it's dark, get back when it's dark... well, you get the gist and now I don't need to write a new post.

If only my inner rage at exercise itself could burn calories, instead of raise my blood pressure, I'd be all set.

Funny thing is, this entire post was created while I was taking a two mile walk today... in sub-zero temps, climbing on snow banks when cars came, wondering just how long cheeks have to be exposed before they are frost-bitten, and proudly wearing the red hat that Evan informed me make me look like an old lady in a crosswalk.

Thank you for your time.

I Laugh At The Snow...

2009-01-28T10:48:00.001-05:00

And focus on these!

AJ?? AJ Jacobs??

2009-01-19T09:06:00.006-05:00

Having laughed out loud on almost every page of "The Year of Living Biblically" by A. J. Jacobs, I decided that a stop at Barnes & Noble was in order on Friday night, to pick up a copy of "The Know-it-All," also by him.

To save time, or because I had been unable to find it - take your pick, I went to the reference desk to ask where it was located, and while I was there, overheard another patron asking for the same book. However, he gave the wrong last name of the author. His girlfriend looked at him quizzically, asking why he was looking for a book about a guy who reads the Encyclopedia from A-Z and he informed her in a condescending tone that he had read a previous book by this author (insert wrong last name) and it was funny.

I followed the reference desk clerk to the humor section like a little lamb (however, there was very little bleating on my part, and very little being-named-Mary on her part) and saw that there were only two copies of this book left. I grabbed one for myself, and took the other copy to bestow upon my fellow seeker back at the reference desk. Because, I'm sure you'll find it surprising that his clerk was having a hard time finding said book under the wrong author's name.

Walking up to the man, I said, "Not that I was eavesdropping, but here is the book you were looking for." He grunted "oh" and took it from me. Hardly the kiss on the neck I was expecting... oh wait - that's someone ELSE who always kisses me on the neck in Barnes & Noble!

I went up to pay for my book, a little saddened in the Good Samaritan department, but excited nonetheless to buy my book and get home to crack it.

After dinner, I assumed my favorite reading position of on my stomach on my living room floor to begin laughing and getting smarter, as I read AJ's book on his quest to become the smartest person in the world by reading the entire Encyclopedia Britannica through.

And I fell asleep.

At 8:30. On a Friday night.

Apparently I was a little more tired than I thought. So, I went to bed and slept for 12 hours. But on Saturday, I began to read in earnest, and have laughed many, many times since!

The way he documents interjecting what he is currently learning into all his conversations kills me. It reminds me of when I read all the books by Linda Greenlaw about being a female lobster fisher"man" off the coast of Maine. And I had so many random lobster facts in my head, that they overflowed into all aspects of my life... until my friends graciously informed me that they were not nearly as interested in these books as I was, and could I periodically have a conversation that did not include crustaceans, please and thank you.

One thing that particularly hit my funny bone was a list of 10 suggestions to do with your life, to have a shot at being written into this great volume... and #10 is to "Become a liturgical vestment: I know this is easier said than done, but since every garment ever worn by a religious figure gets a nice picture..."

I've been blogging for years, and those of you who read my blog know that I rarely do book reports. I can most likely count on one hand the number of times I've written up what I was currently reading. So now, I'll let you in on a secret.

I learned in "The Year of Living Biblically" that A. J. Jacobs googles himself... rather frequently. And after having a conversation with some friends yesterday, I began to wonder at how big Google really is. So I decided to write a post about him, and see if Google can connect his Manhattan-ness with my NH-ness. If so, I will pronounce Google quite clever... quite clever indeed.

Mystery of Tears

2009-01-16T13:59:00.003-05:00

Within five days I held a baby who was hours old, watched a bride and groom begin on the journey as husband and wife, and attended a funeral for a man who was much too young and healthy to leave this world.

All of those events included tears.

Some joy. Some sorrow.

And I wondered about the tears.

A baby... just hours old. A small piece of Heaven. What joy he brings to those whose lives he'll enrich. And yet, life is ahead of him. And life includes growth. And growth includes pain.

A union... just hours old. A foretaste of Heaven. What joy that brings to the two involved, as well as to their families and friends. And yet, marriage is ahead of them. And marriage includes growth. And growth includes pain.

A death... A closeness to Heaven. The only scenario that does not include impending growth and pain for the individual. And yet, the scenario where the most tears are shed.

Emotions are strange, yet beautiful things.

Story People

2009-01-07T10:38:00.004-05:00

this is a picture of the future

and you'll notice that there's a lot of blank space

because people haven't made up their minds about it

and the future doesn't have a lot of time

for that kind of indecisivenessFrom one of my all-time favorite artists...

My Mantra

2009-01-05T21:38:00.001-05:00

"Criticism doesn't bother me...
unless
it's from a stranger,
an acquaintance,
a co-worker,
a friend
or a family member"

-gleaned this quote from the web, and couldn't find an author to attribute it to

LINDSAY

2009-01-04T14:56:00.005-05:00

I love my name. Always have.

There are, however, a multitude of ways to spell the name that I am called by.

I've seen them all. Been addressed by them all.

The most common is replacing the "a" with an "e."

Or forgetting the "d" in the middle.

The most creative I have seen was "Lynnzee."

Until yesterday.

I ordered take-out. Spelled my name at least three times for the exasperated person on the other end of the phone.

And when I went to pick up my food, I saw on the tag.

LRNCSY

And now I have seen them all.

It's a New Year

2009-01-03T11:26:00.005-05:00

And new years traditionally bring the excitement of a clean slate!
The looking back on the old.
The longing for the new!

In thinking about the past year, the word that I've decided sums it up is...
Intense.

2008 was incredibly intense.
But good. Oh so good.
It was a year of intense growth.
Which comes with a price tag of intense pain.
But brings the gift of intense joy.
And with the joy... freedom. A sense of flying.
And I long for 2009 to build on the foundation that was laid in 2008.

God and I had a year of reconnecting.
I felt like my extreme need for Him was almost physical.
The intensity of wanting to be in His word.
That almost desperate longing for being in constant contact was something I'd always wanted, but never quite had.

2008 was a year of getting on my knees before God almost daily
and then learning how to get on my face before Him.
It was a year of learning how to be me... unapologetically.
And beginning to care what He thinks more than what others do.

It was a year of finding the spine I've always had, but never quite known how to use.
A year of taking baby steps towards healthily learning how to say no.

And with all of these things, a deep down joy started returning to my life.

So, now in 2009, my prayer is a life FILLED TO OVERFLOWING with joy!
Getting full gulps instead of the sips of joy and freedom I experienced in 2008.

My Life at Work

2009-01-02T11:03:00.001-05:00

I am currently surrounded by:

one chewing ice
one chomping almonds
one yelling into the phone
one snapping gum

For people who love repetitive noises as much as I do... this is awesome.

And that is why God created headphones!

arms

2008-12-10T09:56:00.002-05:00

arms open wide
in
gut-wrenching sobs
jubilant shouting
heart-rending sobs
radiant joy
complete devotion
settled calm
genuine comfort
unabashed praise
trying to emulate
His
ultimate arms
open wide

People I Heart - HER!

2008-12-09T15:54:00.000-05:00

Texting

2008-11-28T16:02:00.006-05:00

I love my new phone... more than any phone I've had. Partly I love it because it's beautiful and orange! Partly I love it because it sings "Sweet Caroline" whenever it rings! But mostly I love it because it makes my life of texting so darn easy!

Texting is much more my friend than talking on the phone is. There are a few people in my life who I am very comfortable talking to on the phone, but I much prefer to text.

And this phone has a keypad to make all my texting dreams come true!

The only thing I do not love about it, is that I can only store 40 texts on it before it starts to tell me in no uncertain terms that my MAILBOX IS OVER IT'S LIMIT!

For a words of affirmation person, it's hard for me to delete texts. I look back at them, and smile because I can remember where I was when I got them... or keep them because they make me laugh, no matter how many times I've read them.

And I had an idea, plagarized from someone else's blog - I'll write them down! And then I wont be as sad to delete them, and my box can be filled with even MORE words of aff!

So, here are some of the gems that make me coo :)

You were on my "list" Lindsay Jones. Love you!

Awwwwwww... with accompanying finger wiggle. See u in a few.

I had a dream where you looked very cute in a top hat but not so cute in a jumpsuit made out of my comforter cover

I LOVE U

Obamer yer mamer!

STRUMPET!!!

Anytime. I am not overly emotional, but I wanted you to know much you mean to me.

He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. I'm loving you, my best girls, today.

At this juncture I would like to say tru dat yo and good morning.

You too! And stop thinking about my legs!

You make me smile on the inside and outside! Goodnight precious!

Don't worry about it... I like the grumpy dwarf.

Let us take on this day and wrassle it to the ground til it bawls for mama!

Thanks! Its really rainy and I'm sick... so hopefully it will go well! Have good times with Jesus! :D
Daph is lying in her crib looking at her toes chanting "Aunt Winsey"

A heart and a spine!

Thanks! Go Jesus!!

HAPPY FRIDAY!!! Lots of Sabbath love to you from Jerusalem - your black friend

The Layers

2008-11-24T15:59:00.002-05:00

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being abides,
from which I struggle not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

-Stanley Kunitz

A Tad Bit Sad...

2008-11-10T12:48:00.002-05:00

My blog has been my happy place since 2004.

For all of those years, whenever anything happened in my life, be it happy or sad, my internal thought process was always, "I can't wait to blog about this."

It's been my way of processing much of what has occurred in these last four years.

Life has been incredibly busy. It always will be.

But this time around my blog has been the first thing to suffer.

And it makes me sad.

Longing

2008-10-29T11:25:00.002-04:00

Last night during class we did meditation.

Focusing on being grounded... rooted in Mother Earth.

And as I listened, I realized - I'm so tired of earth.

I don't want to go any deeper.

I long for the Heavenly!

While the instructor had us focusing on roots growing out of our feet, I was focusing on my arms getting longer - reaching... reaching for what I know is mine.

I want to sing at the top of my lungs!

I want to dance with abandon!

I want to fling my arms wide and twirl endlessly!

I want to run into Jesus' open arms!

Part of my mind sees this so clearly... because part of my heart is already there... singing, dancing, twirling, running.

She helps keep my eyes focused on what's to come.

She reminds me that she's already there... that it's worth it to keep on keeping on.

Today she would have been 28.

I love you, Mindy Dawn.

Happy Birthday.

Rest

2008-10-21T18:59:00.003-04:00

This afternoon I was lying on my bed in Mike & Rachelle's guest room, with a four year old curled up by side, both of reading, and I thought, "I'm re-teaching my body how to rest."

And I love it.

Taking two classes this semester has been really good for me, especially to prove to myself that I could do it... but it's exhausted me. I'm so grateful that one of the classes is over, and that I'm now on vacation in Washington.

And I realized that part of my rest has been this. There are no expectations on me out here. More than that... I have no expectations of myself for this week.

Rachelle & I lived together in VA for over a year. We already know what to expect from each other.

And beyond being a part of their daily lives, and bask in the joy of seeing them after over a year of being apart, there's nothing else for me to do.

It's been a wonderful break!

When I got in on Saturday, we took the ferry into Seattle, and then went to a fish ladder & botanical garden.

On Sunday, we drove to Mt Ranier, and the weather was amazing, so we could see it from miles away, and had a perfect view from the visitor center at the base. We hiked, laughed, took pictures, and enjoyed the beautiful day and God's amazing handiwork.

Yesterday Mike had to work, but the rest of us stayed in our pajamas for a good part of the morning, and just had a lazy day.

I've gone to bed early each night, and been able to sleep in.

I've gotten to be "Ant Lindsay" (a big difference after being "Ont Lindsay" to all my east coast kids) to a precious four & almost two year old.

There are not many people outside of family that I can truly let my guard down around... maybe that's why I think of Mike & Rachelle as part of my family, because it's so easy to just be me around them.

And to think... I have four more days of this.

Bliss.

My Conundrum

2008-10-04T13:34:00.003-04:00

The have to's in my life are leaving no time for want to's...

And one of those want to's is blogging. However, when given the chance to get another 20 minutes of sleep, these days I need to take it.

This fall is treating me well, but I don't have much time to breathe.

I'm back in school, taking two classes this time, instead of just one. Swedish Massage II is on Tues from 5 - 10:15, and I have Massage Business Practice on Wed from 5 - 10:15... which means that by the time Thursday arrives, having just pulled two 16+ hour days in a row, I'm not what we would call the most efficient employee at work.

Swedish has been incredibly interesting and So Much Fun! We're learning all different modalities, and have studied Lomi Lomi (Hawaiian massage), abdominal, Russian, Thai and still have many other countries to learn from. I love the class, and come home completely energized!

The Business course, on the other hand, has been dry as toast... toast that started out as stale, perhaps even moldy bread.

However, one of the good things regarding the Business class was an assignment to get a massage from a place that you've never gone before, and write a paper on it. I picked a random place in Manch (with help from the internet) and had mine this morning. It went well, but I felt strange. I didn't tell the therapist before it began that I was going to be writing a paper on it, because I didn't want him to do anything different than he normally would. But after it was done, I wanted to ask him questions about some of the strokes he used, but I didn't want to be all "SURPRISE! I am about to go home and write a two page paper, critiquing all things about this entire experience."

And now the days are getting shorter, and I'm starting to see the whole urge to get into my pajamas the minute I step in the door beginning as it does each fall. Good thing about that is, when I get home after 11, it's allowed!

And now, I'm off to take a nap :)

Things That Made Me Laugh Out Loud

2008-09-22T19:16:00.001-04:00

"If you think that temporary tattoos are ok, perhaps I can interest you in some temporary eternal damnation."

-Stephen Colbert

What's Your Comfort Food?

2008-09-04T19:10:00.002-04:00

Besides box mac 'n' cheese (which we all know I refer to as "lolo"), which is my ultimate comfort food, my other comfort food of choice is cheese and crackers.

A couple weekends ago my heart was in lots of pain, and I didn't want to leave my house.

But, I had no food, so I made myself go to the grocery store.

I kind of went through the aisles in a daze, threw things in the cart, paid, and flew back to the safety of my home.

And I burst out laughing when I was putting away the food, because I had four types of crackers and two different cheeses.

What The Hail!

2008-08-16T17:24:00.003-04:00

We've had so many thunderstorms in the last two months... and several of them (including today's) have been accompanied by hail.

World Vision

2008-08-06T20:43:00.002-04:00

It's hard to figure out where to start with this. This weekend I had the amazing opportunity to volunteer with World Vision at Soul Fest up in northern NH.

There were so many things that were fun about Soul Fest... camping with Amy, seeing so many great bands (Third Day, Kutless, Newsboys, Barlow Girl, DecembeRadio... and my favorite, Stellar Kart), being on the beautiful skiing mountains in NH, meeting new people, etc, etc, etc!

And the many, many hours spent volunteering in the World Vision tents. There were two... one that was just set up for people to sponsor a child... and then there was a tent called "The Africa Experience." Listening to the story of a child (boy 13, girl 7, girl 17), people could walk through to get a minute taste of what life is like over in Africa.

Amy & I spent most of our time in the first tent, manning tables laden with packets about 500 children from Mozambique who are in desperate need of someone to sponsor them. This tent was less than 100 feet from the main stage, so we could pop out and be part of the concerts from time to time.

It was very thought provoking. Not so much there, because it was so loud a lot of the time, but as I've been home, I've found myself reliving many of the moments from being in the tent:

Two teenage boys who agreed to sponsor a child together, and every time they'd see me or Amy in the crowd, would scream out their sponsored child's name and wave his picture at us with huge smiles
Those who would walk away clutching their child's info as if they had a new family member
A couple who picked a a little boy who's birthday would have been their miscarried child's birthdate
One woman who refused to sponsor a child because she couldn't find one with the name "Nemo"
Those who would walk away almost in tears, because they could only afford to sponsor one
The little girl who already sponsored two, whose Mom had emphatically told her that morning, "Don't come home with another child," frantically calling her mom from her cell asking for "just one more"
A grandmother, two daughters and two granddaughters going in together to sponsor a child, because none of them could afford to do it on their own
Being chastised by one man because "why doesn't anyone care about the kids in the US?"
Being thanked by countless for continuing the work in Africa
Hearing multiple times "This one has my birthday, but this one is just so cute... which one?"

I sponsored my first child this weekend. Amy got there the day before I did, and as she was putting out the packets of children, she took a picture of little Rudis and sent him to me. And as soon as his precious face popped up on my phone, I knew he was mine.

And the more I think about it, the more passionate I become about this. These children have so much stacked against them, and I have so much going for me. So many of us do... and for the cost difference of making coffee at home as opposed to buying it each day, you can give a child food, clothes and the start of an education.

Will you pray about sponsoring a child?

I've Been Wanting to Act Again

2008-07-28T20:03:00.002-04:00

And have been waiting "patiently" to see what the Fall production with Bedford Off Broadway would be.

I've known for awhile that this Fall's director would be the one who I worked with on "The Boys Next Door" and I loved working with him.

The postcard announcing auditions arrived yesterday, and I excitedly turned it over to see how many actors were needed, and what the specifications were.

It is a four person play.

One male and one female, ranging in age from 50 - 60

AND

One male and one female who are (and I quote) "physically able to move like a lizard."

That is all.

A Tiny Saturday Morning Insight

2008-07-26T11:31:00.004-04:00

I've often caught myself thinking, "If I had only lived in Bible times, there would never be any feeling of disconnect with God."

Then the logical part of my brain kicks in and says, "You know that is not true," and then I go merrily on my way...

But generally when I think with envy of those who lived in Bible times, it's of those in the New Testament, who had daily interaction with Jesus. It just seems to my brain and my heart, that if I saw Jesus face to face and heard His teachings, that there would never be dry times.

I've read the stories enough to know that even those who were closest to Him had times of disconnect or disbelief, but I've always wished... just wished I could see His face and be changed forever, basking in the glow of having SEEN Him.

Today as I was reading in 1Kings, it hit me anew that God appeared to those in the Old Testament as well... and there weren't always happy outcomes with those certain individuals.

11:9 - speaking of Solomon "... because his heart had turned from the LORD God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice."

And it hit me - humans are humans regardless of the time that they lived. Regardless of how many times God appeared to Solomon... or to me... there is a tendency to stray when the going get tough, or when it just "doesn't feel real."

So, I happily keep plugging along, knowing that I'm normal. And if I keep searching, He'll keep being faithful.

Just Me & My Mom

2008-07-23T17:15:00.002-04:00

Things I Find Unfortunate

2008-07-21T19:26:00.004-04:00

I fear that Facebook is taking over my life.

I can be rather obsessive about certain things. I freely admit this.

And I love Facebook. It makes me happy.

But I have begun to think in Facebook speak.

When I first started playing games (like Scramble) on Facebook, I would find myself at work thinking "If I had these letters in a corner of the board I could make this word, and this word... OH, and THIS word! That's a good word!"

And now, I'm starting to think in status bar mode.

"Lindsay is LOVING Ben & Jerry's Creme Brulee ice cream"

"Lindsay finds it weird that it is raining in the front yard, but not in the back yard"

"Lindsay should stop wasting time on her computer, and accomplish things"

"Lindsay doesn't want to"

"Lindsay should stop referring to herself in the third person"

Lindsay's friends get the idea.

Because That's How I Roll

2008-07-20T20:10:00.002-04:00

My vacation was wonderful. I needed a break in my busy world, and the thought that ran through my mind the entire time in Nova Scotia was, "There are no expectations of me during this week." I even left my own expectations of myself at home, which is a big deal!

I relaxed, read, watched tv, had wonderful talks with both Mom & Dad, ate home cooked meals, slept a LOT... it was wonderful! I was truly able to do nothing.

And in the car on the way home I thought, "This would be a good thing to keep up. It will be good to just slow down when I get home. I'll need this before I start school in the fall."

So, to start this whole Do Not Much lifestyle, on Saturday I...

Woke up in Aunt Kath & Uncle Rick's house
Went for a boat ride and swimming
Packed
Drove from ME to Manchester w/ my cousin Alex
Drove from Manchester to Allenstown for a bbq with friends
Drove from Allenstown to Manchester for dinner with Amy
Drove from Manch home
Amy came over and we had sat on the back porch and had a little fire

And today I...

Went to church
Started a movie, so I could relax a little
Went to the pool to have a little catch-up chat with Cherilyn
Drove to Milford to celebrate Katie's birthday with lots of fun peeps
Played in the rain with Amy at Key's field after said birthday party
Went to Evan & Jill's for dinner
Drove home from Milford
Unpacked from the trip
Did laundry
Finished the movie

And now... it's time to look ahead to going back to work.

So even though my vacation was ultra-wonderful, everything I wanted it to be, and a much needed break... I love my life... fast paced as it is.

Eat, Pray, Love

2008-07-15T06:50:00.003-04:00

I loved this book! It was well written, deep, winsome, and I felt as if the author (Elizabeth Gilbert) was putting on paper what's been going on lately inside of my head and heart.

Even though I am not at a place in life where I can take a year off to go to Italy, India & Indonesia to discover God... the level of her almost desperate intensity in searching for the best that life has to offer is at the same intensity that mine has been for the last seven months.

This excerpt made me laugh. How often have these conversations taken place inside my own head, as I've tried to do my devotions. And though mine entailed kneeling in my living room, not a dark temple in India, my mind would "help" just as much as hers tried to.

Enjoy!

Me: Ok, we're going to meditate now. Let's draw our attention to our breath and focus on the mantra. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shiv -

Mind: I can help you out this this, you know!

Me: Ok, good, because I need your help. Let's go. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shi -

Mind: I can help you think of nice meditative images. Like - hey, here's a good one. Imagine you are a temple. A temple on an island! And the island in in the ocean!

Me: Oh, that is a nice image.

Mind: Thanks. I thought of it myself.

Me: But what ocean are we picturing here?

Mind: The Mediterranean. Imagine you're on of those Greek islands, with an old Greek temple on it. No, never mind, that's too touristy. You know what? Forget the ocean. Oceans are too dangerous. Here's a better idea - imagine you're an island in a lake, instead.

Me: Can we meditate now, please? Om Namah Shiv -

Mind: Yes! Definitely! But try not to picture that the lake is covered with... what are those things called -

Me: Jet Skis?

Mind: Yes! Jet Skis! Those thing consume so much fuel! They're really a menace to the environment. Do you know what else uses a lot of fuel? Leaf blowers. You wouldn't think so, but-

Me: OK, but let's MEDITATE now, please? Om Namah -

Mind: Right! I definitely want to help you meditate! And that's why we're going to skip the image of an island on a lake or an ocean, because that's obviously not working. So let's imagine that you're an island in... a river!

Me: Oh, you mean like Bannerman Island, in the Hudson River?

Mind: Yes! Exactly! Perfect. Therefore, in conclusion, let's meditate on this image - envision that you are an island in a river. All the thoughts that float by as you're meditating, these are just the river's natural currents and you can ignore them because you are an island.

Me: Wait, I thought you said I was a temple.

Mind: That's right, sorry. You're a temple on an island. In fact, you are both the temple and the island.

Me: Am I also the river?

Mind: No, the river is just the thoughts.

Me: Stop! Please stop! YOU'RE MAKING ME CRAZY!!!

Mind (wounded): Sorry. I was only trying to help.

Me: Om Namah Shivaya... Om Namah Shivaya...Om Namah Shivaya...

Here there is a promising eight-second pause in the thoughts. But then -

Mind: Are you mad at me now?

The Antidote for an Alexander Day

2008-07-02T19:16:00.002-04:00

If thou of fortune be bereft,
And in thy store there be but left
two loaves,

Sell one, and with the dole,
Buy Hyacinths to feed thy soul
~Muslih-uddin Sadi

Sure, they're not hyacinths, and I am not bereft of my fortune... BUT the principle of the matter is as follows.

Flowers do my heart all kinds of good.
And today was not what I would refer to as my favorite.

Moral to take away from this story:

When you walk into a grocery store and you see that they are selling flowers three bunches for $10, and the bunches that they are selling are your ultimate favorites...

Quote your favorite poem and buy with abandon!

Conversations...

2008-06-15T21:22:00.002-04:00

Between the Birthday Boy and Aunt Lindsay:

(On the way to purchasing the gift of his choice, from the Child Wonderland we refer to as WalMart)

"Well Buddy, after we buy this Aunt Lindsay will take it home and wrap it, so you need to forget about it. AND, I'm going to wrap it in CareBear wrapping paper, because I know you love those."

A snort from the back seat, followed by...

"Well, at least it would be better than the time you wrapped my present in a garbage bag for my fifth birthday!"

After a remark like that, guess who's present was wrapped lovingly in CareBears this evening??

She Lives!

2008-06-14T08:22:00.002-04:00

I just finished training a four week new hire class, in which I had 17 new minds to mold in the ways of health insurance customer service.

During new hire classes where the roster is above 10, I tend to tuck my head down, focus on the materials, put in lots of overtime, go to bed early, and let most other things in my life come to a screeching halt.

During my second week of training, I left my house one morning at the usual time of 6:45, put in roughly ten hours at work, got back to my house around 6:00, changed, got on the lawn mower and spent almost two hours mowing the gargantuan lawn that surrounds my house. As I was careening around one portion, thinking as an outsider looking in on my life I thought, "It's a far cry from 'Sex in the City.' "

Even though I have never watched an episode and was not one of the millions to see it in the theatre, I am quite sure there is not a character who works long hours, goes home alone, and mows the lawn. And yet, I would put money on the fact that I'm a lot happier than any of the characters portrayed in that show.

This class that I just finished had it's share of funny people in it. I love funny people. If you make me laugh, the chances are pretty good that you have secured a little place for yourself in my heart.

An example...

I walked into my classroom one morning, and there was just one participant sitting there.

"Good morning, Sunshine," I said in my there's-no-way-I-could-be-this-cheerful-this-early-without-coffee way

"Good morning," he replied.

A moment later, he said... "I'm really glad we had this talk."

This four week block of time has also held a lot more than this class... but at least it's a tiny update for you, Rachelle... to show that I'm still alive :)

Every Now and Then...

2008-06-02T18:47:00.002-04:00

...You get the perfect picture.

An Evening With My Boys

2008-05-23T21:04:00.004-04:00

It still amazes me that after all the years of constant bickering, Evan is one of my best friends... the one that I call when my world falls apart.

I'm the only girl who has the honor of having Darren as an older brother.
And that makes me one of the luckiest females alive!
His hugs make me feel as if nothing could ever go wrong... and who else gets to say that they have an entire dictionary on speed dial??

I looked at this picture and thought how very grown up they look.
They've just always been "the boys" in my mind, but here they are...
loving husbands, caring fathers, an attorney & an electrician.
It's been an amazing journey to witness.

You Know That a Day is Not Your Day...

2008-05-18T21:00:00.004-04:00

... when even God jumps on the bandwagon of teasing.

On Wednesday, things were not going well. It had been a really long, drawn out, hate my job and my life day, and I had plans to meet a friend for dinner.

I was praying on the way to the coffee shop that God would lift not only my bad mood, but some of the "heavies" of life that were weighing me down.

As I prayed, I saw a car coming down the road toward me and read it's personalized plate... "HEB817."

I think I yelped in glee, thinking that God had answered my prayer by sending me a message via license plate!

Before meeting my friend I had to run into WhaleMart for a card, and beelined it to the book section.

With breath held, I turned to Hebrews 8:17... only to find that Hebrews 8 only goes up to verse 13.

"Are you even kidding me?" I said, in my very out loud voice, in the aisle.

"Maybe I remembered it wrong," I said in my inside voice. "Maybe it was 3:17."

I turned back a few pages... and burst out laughing.

"Now with whom was He angry for 40 years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose corpses fell in the wilderness?"

"Very funny, God..." (can't remember if that was in my inside or out loud voice)

SO, to Henry & Evelyn Barrier who were married on August 17th...

or Hailey Elisabeth Brown who's parents gave her a brand new car when she turned 16 on August 17th...

I have this to say.

NOT COOL!!

My Girl!

2008-05-13T20:52:00.002-04:00

A Picture

2008-05-09T22:12:00.000-04:00

I see her in my mind's eye.

She is lying prostrate on the ground, wishing that the fingers of her soul could feel the printed words that her fingertips are caressing.

Longing for the touch on her heart, just as she is touching the words that He wrote to her.

And yet, even more than needing to grasp onto the promises He made, she is crawling over the book...

Straight to the Source.

Grasping His feet... the feet that have scars that He took... for her.

And she feels a hand on her back, moving under her shoulder, and drawing her up from the ground.

She is now kneeling, tears streaming.

His hands, now under her arms, bringing her to her feet.

And then, a strong hand, under her chin, gently tilting it back until she is staring... staring into the eyes of Love itself.

What she had clung to as earthly love, dissipates in comparison to this... ultimate love... genuine love.

Riveted, she cannot turn away.

And knowing her every longing, He draws her into His embrace.

Her head on His chest.

And she finds what she's been longing for.

She is... at rest.

Three Smallish Tidbits

2008-05-07T20:44:00.003-04:00

Small Tidbit the First - have you ever thought, "I wonder if there's a hidden camera watching me?"

I will readily admit that I've thought this periodically my whole life.

Most recently was last night when I was typing, and suddenly held my hands up off the keyboard to look at my wee little fingers.

I wiggled them and chanted softly "midget fingers... midget fingers" and then my head snapped up, mortified that perhaps this hidden camera that stalks me was taping at that very moment.

Of course, if I was really that concerned about people not knowing about this, I wouldn't have come running to my blog and typed it for all the world to read.

Small Tidbit the Second - Why are the Bedford Librarians SO MEAN?

I am what we would affectionately refer to as a Space Cadet. It comes with my shade of hair, thank you very much.

I forget things - a lot. Therefore, I should be a Librarian's dream... a veritable angel in disguise.

Stringed quartets should play when I walk in with my overdue books and movies.

Entire wings of libraries should be named after me, as I am the one who has single-handedly funded their building.

But no... the Bedford Librarians do not see me as a Goddess of Financial Windfall-ness. They see me as a bother. One who makes the computer sound a godawful noise when I swipe my card, asking them please to take my hard earned money for their coffers.

Just the other day I walked in and said sheepishly, "I think I owe you money."

She took my card, swiped it, the computer balked, and with eyes bugging she said, "You owe us EIGHT DOLLARS."

I graciously took out a $20 and handed it over. (Thinking of it now, I should have had her keep the entire thing as a credit on my account)

She (not so graciously) took it, counted out $12 into my midget fingered hands and, without making any sort of eye contact, slid my newly checked out videos across the counter to me.

"Thanks, and have a great day," I said in my most winsome voice.

She ignored me until I walked out the door, where I imagine she had all SORTS of things to say to her fellow Bedford Librarians about me.

(Lest I paint too poor a picture of this library, there is one librarian there who is nice... so nice, in fact, that it's as if she is apologizing for all the others)

Small Tidbit the Third - You know when there's something that you feel as if God is asking for you to place on the altar of your life?

And you do so... for what seems like the 8703 time.

And He takes you up on it, and finally rips it from your grasp?

You know how that hurts? Even though deep down you know it's what you want... because it's what He wants?

Yeah, me too.

Never A Dull Moment

2008-04-27T21:37:00.002-04:00

The other night I was over at Evan & Jill's helping Mom get dinner ready.

Tucker came into the kitchen riding a stick horse and wearing a cowboy hat.

He looked up at me with big eyes and said, "Dee - sldfj sfjwoe pee pee hqjaidj fhrjeea."

"Did you go pee pee?" I asked.

He nodded.

"I'm wicked proud of you," I told him, kissing his blonde head.

Then I noticed a large wet spot on his pants.

"Let's go upstairs and get you changed."

"Lindsay, he said that he went pee in your car," said Jed, Tucker's interpreter.

"Tucker, did you go pee in Dee's car?"

He nodded.

Fantastic.

"Where in my car did you pee?"

"Show," Tucker said, taking my hand.

Out to the car we went, and Tucker proudly opened the driver's side door to reveal a large wet spot on my seat.

When I went out to my car later, my older brother in all his funniness had put a label on the back of my headrest.

"PLEASE DO NOT USE THIS SEAT AS A RESTROOM"

I Will Not Be Moved

2008-04-15T20:18:00.006-04:00

Today started out sunny... both outside and in my heart.

And on the way to work my heart soared as I sang along with the radio

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

This fall I felt like I was constantly being pushed down. Constantly stumbling and making mistakes.

It was tiny, but there was an inner core strength.

And in the last few months as I've begun realizing who I am in Christ, I've felt that inner core grow stronger.

This morning, I was picturing it as a rod down my spine, keeping me upright.

And a rod across my shoulders keeping them broad.

Making a cross.

Because of what Jesus did for me on the cross, I can carry that inner strength wherever I go.

And this afternoon the storms came, not outside but in my heart. I had made some large miscalculations, and suddenly my future, in which I've had so much confidence lately, came crashing down.

I began to revert to the old Lindsay who I'm desperately trying to leave behind. The mental self-flaggalation began, as I berated myself for being so stupid.

God and I spent much of this afternoon in deep conversation, and I came to realize that even though it's so uncomfortable, this is where He wants me... out of my comfort zone.

He doesn't want me to be overconfident in my future... taking pride in the fact that I can take care of myself if I have to.

What's the good of having a God who wants to take care of me, if I don't allow Him to?

It's true. I will stumble. I will fall down. But I Will Not Be Moved.

So, I choose to smile while facing the future. Whatever happens.

I Have New Hairs :)

2008-04-08T20:30:00.002-04:00

Business in the front...

PARTY IN THE BACK :)

Sigh.

2008-04-04T08:42:00.003-04:00

RIP little crocus...

Can This Be??

2008-04-03T15:29:00.003-04:00

Is Spring really going to come to NH? It seems as if it might actually happen.

Of course, this is 10 feet away from the flower, but HEY... at least there IS a flower!!

Just A Story

2008-04-01T20:38:00.000-04:00

Never had the little girl seen a place like this. It was a shop containing all that would make a heart happy.

Some would call it candy, and yet, as she stood there with eyes wide in wonder, she knew that there were no words yet created in the English language that described these treasures.

The smells were unearthly. Like all things loved, condensed in one place.

The colors made her heart ache with their beauty.

Shelves from floor to ceiling, lined with baskets. And each basket containing a better treasure than the one before.

At first, overwhelmed, all she could do was look. Then, she was compelled to feel. Her hands plunging into the nearest basket, bringing what it held to her face so that she could breath in the aroma.

Her smile lit up her entire face. She could feel the joy showing in her eyes. The excitement was too much to bear. She stretched out her arms, face to the ceiling and laughed!

And then, she saw it. On the top shelf. The most beautiful of all.

By this time, those who loved her best had heard her joy, and were coming to share in her wonder and help her with her choice.

Try this one.

That one is perfect!

Have you ever seen anything like this?

As she listened, her eyes kept going back to the treasure on the top shelf. It contained all that she was longing for. All that she thought would bring fulfillment.

But the price tag was standing in her way. It was asking for more than she was willing to give. This one thing that she longed for required a trade.

In order to have that treasure, she must give away her soul.

She didn't even realize that tears were running down her cheeks.

She smiled at the advice of the bystanders, and even willingly held and tasted what they suggested. But her eyes kept straying upwards... to the basket containing her heart's desire.

And then, the walls faded way. Her loved ones disappeared. And she was face to face with the Shopkeeper.

Her heart sang, as she realized, with the distractions gone, that He was the one she was longing for. Not the treasures that came wrapped in shiny paper, nor the smells that filled her with longing.

He held out his arms, and she was enveloped by a love that finally made her heart whole...

Pix From the Past Month

2008-03-29T11:30:00.003-04:00

Pretty much I thank God every day for bringing these two precious friends into my life. The bond that I have with each of them, and that we have as a three-fold-cord is so deep that I wonder at times how it can get any better. And yet, each time we get together, it does.
This is from two Fridays ago when Jill and I went to see "Celtic Woman" in concert at the Verizon. This was to be our first of many pictures that evening, however, all things photo related were turned back at the door, so it ended up being the first and last :)
Vicki T!! My fellow trainer at work. We went to Dunkin Donuts for a coffee break and saw these amazingly large filters. She made a crack at how large they were and I stated my wish to wear one on my head. Our maker of iced coffees heard us and graciously bestowed them upon us as parting gifts.
Luke was one of my best friends through high school... we've been seperated by an entire continent for years, but he's back in NH now, and when we met for coffee, it was as if our high school friendship was just weeks ago. Only now, we are all grown up.
What erases a bad week? A Friday night out with the person who knows you and loves you for all that you are, of course. Last night we went to the best Mexican/American joint around, and between chips, salsa, pina coladas and laughter... friendship washed away the effects of a really l-o-n-g week.

BlondeFBIgrad - Blonde & lovin' it... sometimes.

Emails of Truth

Conversating

Reality Check

Survey Says

This Phoenix is Rising!

My Little Man

And... I'm Back!

Brochures and Such

Of Hearts

The Good Ol' Summertime

Flashback

She's Married!

My Mantra

Battle of the Texts

:)

Appropriate Use of Work Time

She Yammers

Seasons

Bodies

Glancing Back While Facing Forward

To You...

Worth Every Penny

A Glimpse Into What I Believe

Cell Phones - Love mine. Hate others.

Hating Goodbyes This Day

Things Unfinished

Memory Lane

Why Yes - She IS Mine!

Truth

Longing

Pleased To Meet You

My Epiphany

The Motions

ABCs of Me :)

Well... Have You?

Narcissist's Anonymous

Life Source

My Day in Bullet Form

The Woman I Call "Mom"

All in a Day's Work

Today was one of those days...

I Found Mr Two-Out-of-Three Man!!

Them That Keep Rules

Tid Bits

Playing the "What do you see in the clouds" Game

Randomosity

This Post is Short...

Back In The Saddle Again...

Leading Lady

Day the Fourth

A Few Thoughts on Day Three

Operation: Outside the Box... Day Two

Operation: Outside the Box... Day One

Now You Know!

What Is Joy To You?

My Turn Now

Work Hazards

Exercisers Anonymous

I Laugh At The Snow...

AJ?? AJ Jacobs??

Mystery of Tears

Story People

My Mantra

L*I*N*D*S*A*Y

It's a New Year

My Life at Work

arms

People I Heart - HER!

Texting

The Layers

A Tad Bit Sad...

Longing

Rest

My Conundrum

Things That Made Me Laugh Out Loud

What's Your Comfort Food?

What The Hail!

World Vision

I've Been Wanting to Act Again

LINDSAY