The end...

Even though I haven't updated faithfully in a long time, saying that this is the last post is kind of sad.

However, I am a much different person than I was when this blog began.

A person who is on a new journey... A journey to Costa Rica.

And I'll documenting that journey HERE

Feel free to follow along!

And for those of you who have read my words, stayed current on my life, laughed at my stories, cried with me, and prayed for me in these past eight years... Thank you.

Love and hugs.

Out.

Two Marys -- One Resurrection

He was my son

 

He was my teacher

 

I watched him grow. I heard his first word. I taught him to be a man.

 

I watched how he treated people. I listened to him teach. I learned from Him that real men value women.

 

In looking at Him, I saw the promises made to me before He was born, coming to life.

 

In looking at Him, I saw the promises of a life better than the one I was living.

 

He made me feel honored, by being my son.

 

He made me feel valued, by being my friend.

 

He made me feel safe.

 

And now, He was dying.

 

 

It was getting cold, and his friends were starting to whisper about me, wanting to take care of me and bring me home. To a place that wasn't damp. To a place that wasn't cold. To a place where I couldn't look up and see my son. Dead. On a cross. I didn't want to go. What kind of a mother watches her son die, and doesn't DO something? And now, how could I leave him here? Alone. Cold.

I closed my eyes and saw him as a little boy. Cold from playing outside at night, coming in and allowing me to pull him onto my lap, wrapping him in my cloak to warm him back up. He'd drop his big boy persona, let his head rest on my shoulder, and I'd feel him sigh. Comforted. As he outgrew my lap, he'd still come and sit at my feet, putting his head on my lap, allowing himself to relax.

Just last week he'd come to see me, and my maternal instinct knew that the weight of His calling was getting heavy. Too heavy. To the point of exhaustion. We talked. And then he quietly moved from his chair to the ground next to mine, and leaned his head against my side. This time though, he couldn't relax. He didn't sigh. Not until 20 minutes ago when I heard His loud cry. Followed by a sigh. In death.

I opened my eyes as I heard Mary's anguished screams. And watched her run down the hill, hitting anyone who tried to touch her. I felt John's hand on my arm, pulling me gently, but firmly away. "It's time to go home... mother," he whispered.

 

 

 

I was vaguely aware that it was night and then day. And then another night followed by some sun. I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I just walked. It wasn't the romantic strolling that I was used to with men I'd entertained, or the quiet walking through the streets to clear my head. It was a frantic, can't catch my breath pacing, pausing periodically to vomit as I remembered the scene that had recently played out before me. My body shaking violently. Sweat mixed with tears, pouring down my face as I thought of the only man who had ever loved me for just me, not my body, being beaten, torn and dying as I watched. 

I ended up in a garden. Couldn't even say how I got there, but I desperately needed quiet. I needed to be surrounded by something other than the chaos in the streets. There was enough of that in my own head. Suddenly, I was too tired to continue walking. I couldn't even stand  up any more. My legs collapsed, but I didn't feel pain as I fell. I was beyond feeling anything. My face was flat on the ground, and I let the sobs take over my body. I could feel the tears forming mud in the dirt under my cheek. After a few minutes, I lifted my head and saw that I was in the garden where His tomb was. But something was wrong. The stone wasn't blocking the opening. Too exhausted to even stand, I began a slow crawl toward the grave. As I got to the entrance I pulled myself up and looked in, bracing for the gut-wrenching reality that seeing his body would be to my psyche. But instead of one body, I saw two. And they weren't lying down, they were sitting up. I blinked, frustrated that my mind had begun betraying me, just like my tired body had. But then they spoke. They had the audacity to ask my why I was crying. "WHY DO YOU THINK? The only man who has ever loved me is dead. And this is where his body is supposed to be, and it's not. Where is HE?" I could feel the panic racing through my veins, and the familiar bile rising in my throat as I turned to run. There was someone in my way. My eyes were so full of tears I didn't even look to see a face. I just saw a man blocking my way of escape. I heard him ask me "Why are you crying?" Hadn't he heard me screaming at the other men? I started into the same answer that I had given just seconds before, when He quietly said, "Mary." That voice. I rubbed frantically at my eyes and made myself focus on His face. That face. "Rabonni? RABONNI!" I sobbed, running toward Him.

  

 

A pounding on the door woke me with a start. Not that my sleep had been peaceful. Nothing was peaceful since walking down that hill, leaving my son behind.

The others in the house were awake as well, and a quick discussion was going on as to whether the door should be opened.

Then we heard a familiar voice. It was Mary. Shouting in between the pounding. Not the desperate wailing that she had done as she rushed away from watching Jesus die. This noise sounded different.

Lifting the latch, I opened the door, steeling myself for whatever emotion she would bring in with her. I was the mother figure. I needed to be strong.

 

 

HE'S ALIVE! I'VE SEEN HIM! He said my name.

 

How can that much sorrow be replaced by that much joy? Two words changed my life.

 

Changed history.

 

He's ALIVE!

Emails of Truth

Have you ever written an email to someone, and then stepped back to realize... it should have been sent to you.

I have a precious friend who is in a similar life experience to me right now, and I am so filled with hope, faith and courage... for her.

 

 

But when it comes to my own fork in the road, I have a hard time feeling any of the hope, faith or courage that I so EASILY sent her way!

  

And I'm reminded once again of Hebrews 4:16. "Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Dependent on the translation, it might say "boldy" or "with confidence," but one word never changes. And that is "us."

 

 

It's not a matter or ushering other people to His throne, while I stand back. "Us" implies that I get to be there, too.

 

 

Here I was, praying Joshua 1:9 for this dear friend, encouraging her to remember that God wants us to be assured that He's with us, and for us to Brave and Confident, and it was so easy to send the email to her.

In my own life right now, there is a situation that I'm facing, and I am feeling neither brave nor confident.

  

So... I just sent the same email to myself. And I read it. And I heard it.

Now I need to go tattoo Hebrews 4:16 on my head and my heart, so that I stay at the foot of the cross.

 

 

That I stop giving up my spot for someone "more worthy" to come.

They can kneel beside me.

Conversating

Today was one of those days where I'm grateful that Jesus is not afraid of the hard questions I ask Him.

Sometimes, it's even ok to not hear an answer. Just knowing He listens is enough.

Reality Check

The other day, in a moment of weakness (and morbid curiosity), I searched for him on Facebook.

I clicked on his information, and got this error message:

"Could not load 'null's' data"

According to dictionary.com, the official definition of "null" is... "without value, effect, consequence, or significance."

Apparently, even Facebook knows that he should not be in my life anymore.

Survey Says

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?

Graduated from college and finally became "what I wanted to be when I grew up!"

 

 

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

 

 

Sadly, I did not keep it... I had wanted to read two books every month, but with studying for my national boards all summer long, reading became a thing of the past.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth or get pregnant?

 

 

Baby LLAMA is on the way!!! (due any minute, really)

 

 

4. Did anyone close to you get married?

 

 

I don't think so... had lots in 2010, but '11 was quiet

 

 

5. Did anyone close to you die?

 

 

No, thankfully.

 

 

6. Travel?

COSTA RICA, Baby!

 

 

7. Did you move anywhere?

 

 

Nope - been in my precious little apartment for nine blissful years!

 

 

8. What was the best month?

 

 

From the end of September, on

 

 

9. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

 

 

A man?

 

 

10. What date(s) from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

 

 

May 20 - Graduation

July 29 - passed my national boards

September 23 - last day at United

November 8 - spending my birthday in Costa Rica

 

 

11. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

 

 

Becoming an LMT

 

 

12. What was your biggest failure?

 

 

Letting frustration & exhaustion from life and work, change me into a negative person

 

 

13. Did you suffer illness or injury?

 

 

Noper! Was healthy & safe.

 

 

14. What was the best thing you bought?

 

 

Probably my car?

 

 

15. Whose behavior merited celebration?

 

 

I would like to give this spot to my Drewey Fern... who spent countless hours helping me study, and then drove my stressed out self up to take my boards and sat in a cafe across the road and prayed while I took it. She was selfless with her time, resources, faith & friendship, and I honestly don't know if I would have had the outcome I did, if it wasn't for her.

 

 

16. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?

 

 

If this was someone who was close to me, why would I put it on my blog? And if it's someone that is just famous and I don't know them personally, why would I waste time being appalled by their actions?

 

 

17. Where did most of your money go?

 

 

.School the first part of the year, and starting my business the last part

 

 

18. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

 

 

Getting my joy back!

 

 

19. What song will always remind you of 2011?

 

 

"Set A Fire" - I close my eyes & I can see the kids in Anonos, on their knees, hands raised,
singing this at full volume

 

 

20. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?

ii. richer or poorer?

 

 

i. Off the chart happier!!

ii. Off the chart poorer!

 

 

21. What do you wish you'd done more of?

 

 

Spent more time with the kids

 

 

22. What do you wish you'd done less of?

 

 

Letting exhaustion lower my defenses, making me into someone I didn't like by the time I left United

 

 

23. How will you be spending New Year's Eve/Day?

 

 

Spent it with Amy... Eleventh year in a row!

 

 

24. What was an unexpected surprise?

 

 

Having my carburetor blow up in my car??

 

 

25. Did you fall in love in 2011?

 

 

With Los Anonos... yes!

 

 

26. What was the best concert you've been to this year?

 

 

JAMES TAYLOR

 

 

27. What was your favorite TV program?

 

 

I don't like answering questions like this - I feel it incriminates me

 

 

28. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn't dislike this time last year?

 

 

Not a bit

 

 

29. What was the best book you read?

 

 

"The Autobiography of Mrs Tom Thumb" - Melanie Benjamin

also

"To Kill a Mockingbird" - Harper Lee

 

 

30. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Adele

 

 

31. What did you want and get?

 

 

Freedom and JOY!

 

 

32. What did you want and not get?

 

 

A Harley...

 

 

33. What was your favorite film of this year?

"Furious Love" rocked my world

 

 

34. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 33, and I spent my day guarding tools as the guys rebuilt a tin roof, and playing numerous games of Connect Four with a whole bunch of kids who didn't speak English!

 

 

35. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

 

 

Pretty much 2011 changed my worldview, my relationship with Jesus, therefore ultimately my life... I'd say I didn't need anything else in it to make it "immeasurably more satisfying."

 

 

36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

 

 

I don't have a fashion concept, per se...

 

 

37. What kept you sane?

 

 

My family & my two A's

 

 

38. What political issue stirred you the most?

I vote and I pray, and that's about it when it comes to politics

39. Who did you miss?

 

 

Someone...

 

 

40. Random Memories from 2011?

• Being rescued after my car blew up
• Hugging my teachers after getting my diploma - five long years after starting
• Looking around at my graduation party - being blown away by the fact that everyone who was there, was there because they were proud of me
• Turning over the piece of paper that said I had passed my national boards
• Being told that Little Llama was on the way
• Walking through the streets of Anonos, tears streaming down my face, as God answered my prayers to "break my heart with what breaks Yours"
• Having Jack sit on my lap and kiss each one of my fingers when I got back from Costa Rica
• Giving my two weeks notice
• Riding a jet ski!
• Watching Hurricane Irene in Newport

This Phoenix is Rising!

Every year since I moved back to NH, Amy, Drewey & myself get together sometime between Christmas and the first week of January... We celebrate Christmas, their birthdays, Mindy, a new year, and our friendship.

It's become such a precious tradition. The emails or texts between the three of us start a little before Christmas, trying to nail down a date and time.

Even though we see each other during the year, this is a beautiful way to catch up, share our hearts, and get ready to face a new year as a three-fold cord. Some of the years have been all fun. Some years, like last, are somber as we cling to each other, mourning recent loss.

Yet, beyond the joy of celebrating our "us-ness" and giving and receiving Christmas and birthday gifts, the time that has become most special is when we pray for each other. A few years ago we started a new thing, by each picking a word that we wanted the others to pray for, in regards to our coming year.

I remember the year that I asked, with tears streaming down my face, for them to pray that my joy would be restored. I had been beaten down so severely by events of the previous year, I didn't think that I would ever be the bubbly, happy Lindsay again. And I was desperate for joy.

And last year, the word I chose was "soar." I had put in so many years of school, and so many years at United, and I was ready for a change - I was ready to see my hard work pay off, and I was ready to FLY.

As I look back at 2011, the answer to those prayers are so evident, I can't help but throw my hands up in joy & gratitude!

During the first few months of the beginning of the year, as I dragged myself to the finish line of school... hours of classes, practicum, homework, and paperwork, I had no hope that our prayers had even been heard, much less were they ever going to be answered. I was exhausted, and felt like my life was the exact opposite of soaring.

And then in the Spring, I put an end to a four year relationship that had brought much harm to my emotional & spiritual well-being. My wings stretched a little.

In the course of six ridiculously packed months, I graduated, studied for and passed my national boards, got licensed to practice massage, started a new job at a spa, left United after nine years, started my own business, and began living my dream. My wings expanded and I began an exillerating free fall.

People would ask me how I was doing, and I would say, "I'm not making any money, but I'm the happiest that I've ever been!"

One of my friends said one time "What if someone asked you on a scale of 1-5, how much you felt like you were really living your life? You answered a five, because you felt that you were totally squeezing every drop out of life that you can, and then they say, 'The scale is actually 1-10. There is still So Much Life to live.'"

My trip to Costa Rica was the scale of my life expanding to a 10...

No longer in a free fall, I was soaring with the best of them.

My phoenix rose from the ashes in 2011!

Isaiah 61:3