So, laugh already!

I'm not generally a forwarded-emails fan, but this one made me laugh out loud. Hope it has the same effect/affect (take your pick - I'm too tired to figure out which one it is, or to call my editor sister-in-law.) on you...

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately!
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can... and quickly.
It's rare. You can't find it any other time of the year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
turn into an eggnog-aholic or something.
It's a treat.
Enjoy it.
Have one for me.
Have two.
It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.
Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano.
Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass.
Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in
an effort to control your eating.
The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free.
Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when
you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good
at the buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies
in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming
the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to
see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat.
Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat,
have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?
Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory
calories, but avoid it at all costs!
I mean, you have to have SOME standards.

10. One final tip:
If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Re-read the tips; start over, but hurry.
January is just around the corner.