Fresh Beginnings

For my birthday I received a Willow Tree figurine of a girl with arms flung wide, reveling in the joy of life. And it made me cry. Because that’s what I had been… and what I longed to be again.

But I was stuck. I was hurting. There was none of the joy in life that I was used to experiencing.

The past year had been filled with difficult situations. Each time I would struggle to regain my footing, a new circumstance would come along my path and knock me down again.

I wasn’t sleeping. I was exhausted. And the closest to giving up that I’ve ever been.

In my exhaustion, there was a constant crying out… “Jesus… I can’t do this any more. Why are You doing this to me?” Sometimes it even took too much effort to vocalize my thoughts…or to get on my knees. I would be flat on my face, sobbing at the foot of the cross. And still, I felt so alone.

I was beginning to feel frantic. There had to be something better.

The desperation reached a fever pitch in December. I felt as if my spiritual life was hanging in the balance. Something had to break, or I would be the one breaking.

And I started looking ahead to 2008 - clinging to the fact that it could be a new slate. A fresh start.

My backbone began to stiffen, my soul began to wonder if there was a small glimmer of hope.

I began to tell myself I was not going to give up without a fight.

A plan began to formulate...

I knew that God wanted to meet with me. He wanted to be an “us.” But “us” as a word means “more than one,” so “us” only works when I make the choice to meet with Him.

It is so elementary… what I have been raised with… lived most of my life doing.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been immersing myself in Him. Relearning what it is to willingly spend time with Him. Instead of just screaming “I can’t do this,” choosing to rest in the fact that He’s not asking me to do it… at least not alone.

And the joy is returning. I no longer look at the Willow Tree figurine with envy. I look at her, smile, and throw my arms in the air as well.

Like Mary, as she sobbed in the garden that morning of His resurrection, Jesus came to me. He was waiting for me to stop crying long enough to hear His gentle, “Lindsay.”

"Your satisfaction with Him will never be greater than your desire for Him." - Dr Paul Chapell