Of Hearts

To anyone else, it was just a red ceramic heart, hanging from my rearview mirror.

To me, it was my emotional heart, given to another and hanging in limbo for years.

Yesterday, I kissed it goodbye and threw it into the ocean.

And as I saw it hit the waves "Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed" echoed through my head.

Freedom tastes good.

The Good Ol' Summertime

Andy & Amy rode their bikes up to my house tonight, and we went out for ice cream. We talked about how it made us feel like we were little kids on Chestnut Hill again... the three of us hanging out on summer nights.

And yet, we're so different from our little selves. Amy left the ice cream place and turned left to go to Massachussets and a husband. Andy is leaving soon to go overseas with the State Dept. And me... the scaredy cat of our younger selves... rode my motorcycle to work this morning.

Happy heart.

Flashback

I think of my nieces as themselves... not as their parent's children.

If I ever do think of them as someone's child, it's often the moms that I think of.

However this weekend, as I saw them explore all our old play places on Chestnut Hill, and interact with each other, I was keenly aware that I was watching my brother's children.

"Aunt Lindsay!! We found this great place," they shouted from inside the tunnel of lilac bushes that I spent countless hours playing house in as a small girl.

"LOOK!!" they screeched, as they hung onto the same willow tree branches that my hands held years ago, and swung with abandon.

Growing up, Evan & I were always wanting to play, do, and have adventures. Darren was content to read 23 out of the 24 hours in any given day.

I remember the frustration of wanting him to come and make it the three of us having fun, and not just the two of us. (Probably because at the time in our lives, Evan & I were not what we would refer to as friends, and Darren was a fabulous peacekeeper) The deep sighs of disappointment coming from the redhead and myself, as the eldest would inform us that he was happy to keep reading, thank you.

And this weekend, from behind a closed door, I heard Evan's little girl heave a deep sigh, as Darren's little girl curled up in the pappazon chair, reading to her heart's content.

And I smiled.

She's Married!

My Mantra

Battle of the Texts

I sent a picture of the ground cover of snow that we got on Friday to my big brother.

He sent back a picture of a large snow covered mountain near where he was staying in Alaska.

Nobody likes a bragger.

:)

As I tried to study (read: cram) for my exam before class last night, I was surrounded by the whining of my fellow students.

They were displeased by an instructor for another course, and were each trying to outdo the others with examples of how much this teacher irritated them.

Needing quiet for my studying, and wanting her reputation to have a little more than a shred left by the end of their conversation, I quietly said;

"You guys do know she is my aunt, right?"

People who panicked = them

People who wished I had pictures of each one of their faces = me

Saving the world... one new aunt at a time.

Appropriate Use of Work Time

Today I was asked by a co-worker what super hero powers I would like to possess.

My first answer was the ability to fly.

My second response... as follows.

(Names changed to protect those using work time for idle chatter.)

Jones, Lindsay M [10:30 AM]:
and perhaps the power to make annoying people disappear

Name, Changed [10:32 AM]:
sweetie thats just called a gun license and a lack of empathy

Name, Changed [10:32 AM]:
if you want that just register as a Republican!

She Yammers

I realized recently that I no longer blog about things... or events. I was using it only to showcase pieces that were deep... or poetic... or spiritually significant... or stories.

And I miss writing. I miss writing about mundane things. I miss the witness that my blog was to my life.

I am taking three classes this semester, and sit there thinking "I'd love to write about that person." But it's generally if they are doing something ridiculous or annoying... or both. And since I'm trying to curb my snarkiness, those posts will not be published.

But since this realization, I've freed myself from my own expectations of not posting anything unless it's Pullitzer Prize worthy. Why deny myself the joy that is writing, just because it's not deep?

So I will blog again. And if you dont want to read about the commoness that is my life, you are free to close this out! (Editor's note... Lindsay is working a lot of hours, taking three classes, playing on the worship team, and doing as many practicum hours as she can, so the line "I will blog again" must needs be taken with a grain of salt, and a realization that there are only 24 hrs in her day, some of which should be put in the "sleeping" catergory)

Yesterday I was walking through the halls at work, mentally keeping a list of all the things that had gone wrong that day. And by wrong I mean Significantly Wrecking My Day Wrong. There were many and I was replaying them over and over so I wouldn't forget them. And I stopped in the middle of the hall and asked myself when had I become that person? The person who only looks at the bad. That's not who I am. Or not who I thought I was, at least.

So today I tried to focus on the good.

And today went surprisingly better than yesterday.

- I got to sleep in until 6 instead of getting up at 5
- Someone bought me coffee this morning
- And someone else bought me lunch
- I've worked hard on my organizational skills, and was told by a trainer travelling to our site today, that my class was the most organized one he'd seen in his five years of training
- The last 15 minutes of my work day were spent in conversation with someone who makes me laugh so hard I cry
- Shopping on the way home, I found a raincoat that was regularly $80, now mine for only $22
- I talked to Rachelle on my way home and heard little Evie (my goddaughter, you know!! :) cooing in the background
- Leaves are starting to come out, and the forsythias are in full bloom
- Another person scheduled a massage, which means I'm chalking up my practice hours
- And for dinner, I have my ultimate comfort food just waiting to be made


So today, you might say, was a happy yellow rain coat in the midst of a rain storm!

Seasons

Ask anyone in NH what their favorite part of living here is, and nine times out of ten the answer you'll receive is "I love all four seasons!"

But ask that same person that same question after the third April snowstorm, and the seasons thing isn't quite so dear to their hearts. They are not pleased, because the most difficult season has lasted too long. It has dared to go beyond the boundaries of the calendar.

My favorite season is Fall. And when September is too hot or November sees too much snow, I feel gypped. Gypped because my favorite season was too short.

I've been thinking about seasons a lot this week. But not the four seasons I am lucky enough to experience because I'm a NH girl.

Seasons of life.

And I realized that the way I view Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall are very similar to the way that I view seasons of life.

If a wonderful season is cut short, I feel gypped. If a difficult season goes longer than I feel it should, I am displeased.

And all through these thoughts, the words to this song have been floating...

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

In every season, He is still God... And that's enough.

It has to be.

Bodies

I was reading a magazine to keep my bored self on the treadmill for longer than three seconds last night, and came across this article about bodies... and how most women feel the pressure to be emaciated, yet the majority of women are nowhere close to that.

At the top of the article, in large font it read "Why are we so hard on ourselves, when the people who love us are so much more forgiving?"

The magazine had gone out to their readers and asked them to finish the statement "My body is..." The only guidelines were that the responders could not say anything negative.

And the answers were beautiful.

My body is...

* tough and stubborn!

* a gift from God.

* freaking awesome!

* fun to live in.

* beautiful and full of talent. I love my body. It's also hungry... almost all the time :)

* short, but thinks it's tall!

* my best friend.

* not perfect. And I wouldn't change it for the world.


So, as I walked on the treadmill and applauded these women in my mind, I wondered what I would write.

And decided I would reply "My body finally gained my respect and love in it's 30th year."

What would you say?

Glancing Back While Facing Forward

On that day, as a crumpled heap of sorrow on the floor, I didn't think my shattered heart would make it to the next day... much less ten years.

And yet, here I stand, on a day when I allow myself to look back as well as forward.

The stages of grief that I was so clueless about, but had to experience... ready or not... have formed me into who I am today.

What was unimaginable has become a part of the tapestry that is my life.

The raw pain, wrenching sobs, and throwing up that turned to bittersweet tenderness when her name dances across my mind
The weird guilt of "am I even allowed to hurt this badly if she was just my friend, not my sister?" that turned to "I loved her - that is enough to warrant sorrow"
The solace found in lyrics and poems that turned into precious gems that I carry in my heart and on my body
The angry glares at the stars that turned into understanding glances as I speak words I want only her to hear
The ready tears as each new memory surfaced that turned to secret smiles as the years have made them worn out and indescribably dear
The panic as I began to forget little things about her that turned to joy when I remembered new ones
The purple balloons released on each birthday that turn into spots of soaring happiness as they get further from me and closer to her
The refuge found in the arms of someone who whispered "I know" that turned into my arms holding others and my mouth whispering comfort

It still sometimes makes me sick to my stomach when I am reminded that we wont have any new memories until Heaven.
Or when I see a picture of her when I'm not expecting it.
Or hear a story that I hadn't remembered... that isn't safely in my mind's box of "I have mulled these over for enough years that they are now sweet and not painful."

I tend to think "I owe a lot to you, Mindy Dawn," and then I realize that while I do owe you a lot, I owe so much more to the One who has faithfully guided me on this journey... the One who has allowed me to learn of ridiculously powerful emotions through losing you. The One who you are currently adoring face to face.

And so I'm quiet on this day... remembering... loving... and praying for those who miss you so deeply.

Taking some consolation in the fact that perhaps these beautiful words by Antoine de Saint-Exupery were penned especially for us:

"You – you alone – will have the stars as no one else has them.
In one of the stars I shall be living.
In one of them I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night…
You — only you — will have stars that can laugh!”

To You...

They left me
with your shadow,
saying things like
Life is not fair

& I believed them
for a long time.

But today,
I remembered
the way you laughed
& the heat
of your hand
in mine

& I knew that
life is more fair
than we can
ever imagine
if
we are there to live it

-brian andreas

Worth Every Penny

Several weeks ago I went out to dinner with a friend... and then coffee... and then a little perusal of the treasures that TJ Maxx has to offer.

And while we were in TJ Maxx, I spent the best $2.99 of my life, for I discovered and purchased a little book entitled "1001 Ways to Meet Mr Right." Classic!

I had already gotten my three dollars worth out of it by the time we exited the store, as I had followed him around while he shopped for shirts, laughing and reading him ridiculous excerpts.

The woman who wrote this book is all kinds of serious about her topic, but my gosh, she is out of control. Not only does she give a full paragraph on each place to go, she also put pros and cons on some of her best ideas.

Allow me to share some of my faves.

Tattoo parlor - now on this one, she graciously listed pros and cons... the con she chose was "Hepatitis." Well yes, I would agree that hepatitis is pretty high on my con list, but she did also admit that most tattoo parlors in our era are clean

Writing your will - "...gives you the opportunity to have a face-to-face meeting with a handsome, eligible lawyer... do a little research and find a single, male lawyer..." Con on this one? "Lawyers may not be your type."

Maternity Ward - she does tell you not to go after the new dads, but holds out hope that new babies have uncles or that the new dads have friends. But really, let's talk about this for a bit. Are you supposed to wait until a friend has a child? Or do a stake out at the local hospital? She doesn't say, therefore I am flummoxed. Probably wont use this tip, since there was so little guidance. Also, no pros and cons listed.

Out with your brother - this one made me laugh out loud. My brothers are a pastor and a lawyer (not single, ladies, so don't ask him to draw up your will!) and I've often said that if I ever bring someone home, they'd have it worse off with the boys than with Dad. I just dont see D&E as my wing men.

In a car accident - "... certainly not to suggest that you should go around aiming at cars in hopes of getting in a car accident..." This one is kind of two for the price of one. She not only talks about the other person involved, but maybe even a cute police officer will show up.

Swiss Alps - if I spend the money to go to the Swiss Alps, and there is not an amazingly attractive man holding a sign that says "Lindsay - I am your Mr Right" I am going to be seriously ticked off.

The Mutual UFO Network - "If you have always had a fascination with outer space... consider joining." Words fail me.

In traffic - You'll be glad to know that now not only do you have to worry about someone talking on their cell, or texting, or just plain not paying attention. Oh no. Now there is a website called flirtingintraffic.com where you register and are issued a sticker for your car with an ID on it, so that if someone thinks you are cute and they are ALSO registered on this website, they can write down your information from your sticker (for the sake of myself, driving alongside these people, I trust that the stickers are gigantic, and the numbers are short, so there is not a lot of squinting and writing involved, to take their eyes off the road) and contact you. The con in this is obvious: "... only be effective if more and more flirtatious drivers catch on."

Working as a florist - "Sure, florists get a lot of men coming in to buy flowers for their wives or girlfriends. But sometimes relationships don't work out."

Proviso: If your sister, mother, wife, girlfriend, aunt or cousin is the author of this book, I apologize for any hurt feelings you might have gotten with the mocking tone you have most likely perceived in the above paragraphs. If you met your spouse in one of the above situations, I also apologize.

A Glimpse Into What I Believe

I looked up "faith" in the dictionary. Read through all the different definitions. Read them through again.

Funny, but I found nothing about it being a crutch.

And that's what I hear mine referred to as so frequently.

I'm not what we would refer to as an intellectual. So when I have conversations about religion with people who are smarter than me, I hear all their words, and wish that my thinking wasn't so heart based... but that it was more fact based.

It frustrates me, because I know what I believe. And though I'm a consummate people pleaser, when it comes to my faith, no amount of pressure from anyone is going to rock my solid relationship with Jesus.

One of my friends asked me awhile ago what I believe about God. I replied that I believe in a God who is fully vested in my life - both day to day, and eternal.

We all get hurt in life. We all limp. Some limp more than others, because their pain has been deeper, more traumatic.

But it's what we do about our limp that determines how we live. We can get angry at the accident that caused it, and turn bitter. Or deny that it's there, and live a hampered existence.

Sometimes, I think, it takes more courage to admit that the pain is there, that we're not perfect, and that using a "crutch" will help our quality of life, instead of limping along in growing frustration.

You may scorn my Crutch... but He's willing to be yours as well... if you'll let Him.

Cell Phones - Love mine. Hate others.

Texting has been a major problem throughout my current training class. So yesterday I tried a new tactic.

I greeted the class in my usual, and often excessively cheerful way.

"HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!!"

"Happy Friday!" was the we've-not-quite-had-enough-caffeine-for-you response.

"We're going to start today with a GAME!" (still manic face, big smile, excited voice)

"YAY!!" caffeine intake forgotten, I had their full attention

"This fun time is called the (face change to stone) 'I'm really sick of telling you to stop texting so take out your phones and line them up on this table' game!"

Not fans of this game, my class.

I, on the other, had one of the best mornings ever.

As of yesterday at 4:30, my class reached the end of week seven, which means that we are officially half way done.

And even after the game we played that morning, the class did not renege my invitation to their "Glass Half Full" party last night.

But when I walked into the Puritan Back Room, someone did ask if they all had to put their cell phones in the middle of the table.

Hating Goodbyes This Day

I hate goodbyes, so it stands to reason that I've never been a fan of death.

I remember as a little girl, panicking before Grandma Springer's funeral, because I just couldn't handle the sorrow.

And I became even less a fan when in college my tight-knit group of friends learned the lesson that we're not as invincible as we thought, when we lost one of our own.

So, I just don't think about it.

I'm the one who only likes to watch funny movies.

Who doesn't like to hear or read sad stories.

Who desperately tries to see the silver lining... even if there isn't one.

But when I got the call this morning that I lost a co-worker and friend I was reminded again of how much I hate death.

I know that as a Christian, death is not final. But when you're the one left behind, it can often feel that way.

He knew I played keys, so he came to church with me two weeks ago to hear. Neither of us knew that as of yesterday, he'd be lucky enough to be enjoying in person, what we were singing about.

Wish I could hug you one more time, Sir.

Until then, I'll be the one down here... looking for that silver lining.

Things Unfinished

Most of us have them.

A closet full of half finished works of art...

A garage with various projects strewn around...

A drawer filled with "possibilities."

Tonight I found mine in my writing files.

I was looking through half written poems, blog posts, songs, letters... my life in snippets.

Words that wont meld to my will.

Little glimpses of my heart.

That may never be seen by other's eyes because the right words are elusive.

I would no more show them to the world than a seamstress would wear a skirt unhemmed.

Though I am frustrated with them for being stubborn, and myself for not being able to finish them... they are my creations, nonetheless.

And I feel a strong affection for them, even in their unfinished state.

Memory Lane

I was just reading my blog and realized that next month I'll reach my five year anniversary of being a blogger.

So many words - so many memories.

It's strange to go back to the beginning and read it... in fact, some of the posts made me cringe. Not the content as much as the writing style.

And yet as I read, there were common themes. The themes that are still forefront in my life.

Relishing in the joy of being an Aunt
Missing Mindy - and longing for eternity to spend with her
Sometimes struggling against, and sometimes embracing my single status
How growing hurts, but how it's worth it

But most of all... my relationship with Jesus... with all it's raw emotion, and joyful abandon

And I realized, though my writing style has changed, and though I am five years older, happier, and much more grounded... The important things in my life are still the same.

And I was glad.

Why Yes - She IS Mine!