Emails of Truth

Have you ever written an email to someone, and then stepped back to realize... it should have been sent to you.

I have a precious friend who is in a similar life experience to me right now, and I am so filled with hope, faith and courage... for her.

 

 

But when it comes to my own fork in the road, I have a hard time feeling any of the hope, faith or courage that I so EASILY sent her way!

  

And I'm reminded once again of Hebrews 4:16. "Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Dependent on the translation, it might say "boldy" or "with confidence," but one word never changes. And that is "us."

 

 

It's not a matter or ushering other people to His throne, while I stand back. "Us" implies that I get to be there, too.

 

 

Here I was, praying Joshua 1:9 for this dear friend, encouraging her to remember that God wants us to be assured that He's with us, and for us to Brave and Confident, and it was so easy to send the email to her.

In my own life right now, there is a situation that I'm facing, and I am feeling neither brave nor confident.

  

So... I just sent the same email to myself. And I read it. And I heard it.

Now I need to go tattoo Hebrews 4:16 on my head and my heart, so that I stay at the foot of the cross.

 

 

That I stop giving up my spot for someone "more worthy" to come.

They can kneel beside me.

Conversating

Today was one of those days where I'm grateful that Jesus is not afraid of the hard questions I ask Him.

Sometimes, it's even ok to not hear an answer. Just knowing He listens is enough.

Reality Check

The other day, in a moment of weakness (and morbid curiosity), I searched for him on Facebook.

I clicked on his information, and got this error message:

"Could not load 'null's' data"

According to dictionary.com, the official definition of "null" is... "without value, effect, consequence, or significance."

Apparently, even Facebook knows that he should not be in my life anymore.

Survey Says

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?

Graduated from college and finally became "what I wanted to be when I grew up!"

 

 

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

 

 

Sadly, I did not keep it... I had wanted to read two books every month, but with studying for my national boards all summer long, reading became a thing of the past.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth or get pregnant?

 

 

Baby LLAMA is on the way!!! (due any minute, really)

 

 

4. Did anyone close to you get married?

 

 

I don't think so... had lots in 2010, but '11 was quiet

 

 

5. Did anyone close to you die?

 

 

No, thankfully.

 

 

6. Travel?

COSTA RICA, Baby!

 

 

7. Did you move anywhere?

 

 

Nope - been in my precious little apartment for nine blissful years!

 

 

8. What was the best month?

 

 

From the end of September, on

 

 

9. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

 

 

A man?

 

 

10. What date(s) from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

 

 

May 20 - Graduation

July 29 - passed my national boards

September 23 - last day at United

November 8 - spending my birthday in Costa Rica

 

 

11. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

 

 

Becoming an LMT

 

 

12. What was your biggest failure?

 

 

Letting frustration & exhaustion from life and work, change me into a negative person

 

 

13. Did you suffer illness or injury?

 

 

Noper! Was healthy & safe.

 

 

14. What was the best thing you bought?

 

 

Probably my car?

 

 

15. Whose behavior merited celebration?

 

 

I would like to give this spot to my Drewey Fern... who spent countless hours helping me study, and then drove my stressed out self up to take my boards and sat in a cafe across the road and prayed while I took it. She was selfless with her time, resources, faith & friendship, and I honestly don't know if I would have had the outcome I did, if it wasn't for her.

 

 

16. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?

 

 

If this was someone who was close to me, why would I put it on my blog? And if it's someone that is just famous and I don't know them personally, why would I waste time being appalled by their actions?

 

 

17. Where did most of your money go?

 

 

.School the first part of the year, and starting my business the last part

 

 

18. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

 

 

Getting my joy back!

 

 

19. What song will always remind you of 2011?

 

 

"Set A Fire" - I close my eyes & I can see the kids in Anonos, on their knees, hands raised,
singing this at full volume

 

 

20. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?

ii. richer or poorer?

 

 

i. Off the chart happier!!

ii. Off the chart poorer!

 

 

21. What do you wish you'd done more of?

 

 

Spent more time with the kids

 

 

22. What do you wish you'd done less of?

 

 

Letting exhaustion lower my defenses, making me into someone I didn't like by the time I left United

 

 

23. How will you be spending New Year's Eve/Day?

 

 

Spent it with Amy... Eleventh year in a row!

 

 

24. What was an unexpected surprise?

 

 

Having my carburetor blow up in my car??

 

 

25. Did you fall in love in 2011?

 

 

With Los Anonos... yes!

 

 

26. What was the best concert you've been to this year?

 

 

JAMES TAYLOR

 

 

27. What was your favorite TV program?

 

 

I don't like answering questions like this - I feel it incriminates me

 

 

28. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn't dislike this time last year?

 

 

Not a bit

 

 

29. What was the best book you read?

 

 

"The Autobiography of Mrs Tom Thumb" - Melanie Benjamin

also

"To Kill a Mockingbird" - Harper Lee

 

 

30. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Adele

 

 

31. What did you want and get?

 

 

Freedom and JOY!

 

 

32. What did you want and not get?

 

 

A Harley...

 

 

33. What was your favorite film of this year?

"Furious Love" rocked my world

 

 

34. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 33, and I spent my day guarding tools as the guys rebuilt a tin roof, and playing numerous games of Connect Four with a whole bunch of kids who didn't speak English!

 

 

35. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

 

 

Pretty much 2011 changed my worldview, my relationship with Jesus, therefore ultimately my life... I'd say I didn't need anything else in it to make it "immeasurably more satisfying."

 

 

36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

 

 

I don't have a fashion concept, per se...

 

 

37. What kept you sane?

 

 

My family & my two A's

 

 

38. What political issue stirred you the most?

I vote and I pray, and that's about it when it comes to politics

39. Who did you miss?

 

 

Someone...

 

 

40. Random Memories from 2011?

• Being rescued after my car blew up
• Hugging my teachers after getting my diploma - five long years after starting
• Looking around at my graduation party - being blown away by the fact that everyone who was there, was there because they were proud of me
• Turning over the piece of paper that said I had passed my national boards
• Being told that Little Llama was on the way
• Walking through the streets of Anonos, tears streaming down my face, as God answered my prayers to "break my heart with what breaks Yours"
• Having Jack sit on my lap and kiss each one of my fingers when I got back from Costa Rica
• Giving my two weeks notice
• Riding a jet ski!
• Watching Hurricane Irene in Newport

This Phoenix is Rising!

Every year since I moved back to NH, Amy, Drewey & myself get together sometime between Christmas and the first week of January... We celebrate Christmas, their birthdays, Mindy, a new year, and our friendship.

It's become such a precious tradition. The emails or texts between the three of us start a little before Christmas, trying to nail down a date and time.

Even though we see each other during the year, this is a beautiful way to catch up, share our hearts, and get ready to face a new year as a three-fold cord. Some of the years have been all fun. Some years, like last, are somber as we cling to each other, mourning recent loss.

Yet, beyond the joy of celebrating our "us-ness" and giving and receiving Christmas and birthday gifts, the time that has become most special is when we pray for each other. A few years ago we started a new thing, by each picking a word that we wanted the others to pray for, in regards to our coming year.

I remember the year that I asked, with tears streaming down my face, for them to pray that my joy would be restored. I had been beaten down so severely by events of the previous year, I didn't think that I would ever be the bubbly, happy Lindsay again. And I was desperate for joy.

And last year, the word I chose was "soar." I had put in so many years of school, and so many years at United, and I was ready for a change - I was ready to see my hard work pay off, and I was ready to FLY.

As I look back at 2011, the answer to those prayers are so evident, I can't help but throw my hands up in joy & gratitude!

During the first few months of the beginning of the year, as I dragged myself to the finish line of school... hours of classes, practicum, homework, and paperwork, I had no hope that our prayers had even been heard, much less were they ever going to be answered. I was exhausted, and felt like my life was the exact opposite of soaring.

And then in the Spring, I put an end to a four year relationship that had brought much harm to my emotional & spiritual well-being. My wings stretched a little.

In the course of six ridiculously packed months, I graduated, studied for and passed my national boards, got licensed to practice massage, started a new job at a spa, left United after nine years, started my own business, and began living my dream. My wings expanded and I began an exillerating free fall.

People would ask me how I was doing, and I would say, "I'm not making any money, but I'm the happiest that I've ever been!"

One of my friends said one time "What if someone asked you on a scale of 1-5, how much you felt like you were really living your life? You answered a five, because you felt that you were totally squeezing every drop out of life that you can, and then they say, 'The scale is actually 1-10. There is still So Much Life to live.'"

My trip to Costa Rica was the scale of my life expanding to a 10...

No longer in a free fall, I was soaring with the best of them.

My phoenix rose from the ashes in 2011!

Isaiah 61:3

My Little Man

He's pretty tender, my little Tucker.

We share a lot of things.

Birth order.
Bits of melancholy when the situation calls for it.
And a need for a quiet retreat when we're peopled out.

Today at their house, he was having a rough day, so Jill asked him if he needed to just go upstairs and lie down on their bed for a bit.

He retreated, and soon I followed.

I walked in to see him sitting in the middle the big bed, pounding his little foot and muttering to himself.

"Want to snuggle?"

He melted right in, and we laid there in quiet for a long time.

"Are you excited about Christmas?" and he opened up, telling me all about the presents that Mommy had finished wrapping.

I told him that I was excited about what I had gotten for him, and then asked him if he knew what it would be wrapped in. (I've had the same two rolls of wrapping paper for YEARS! Spongebob for the boys, Care Bears for the girls)

"Aunt Lindsay, if you had kids, it wouldn't take you so long to use up the wrapping paper." True.

So I asked him if I should have a boy or a girl.

"Well, we already have enough boys, so probably a girl."

"Do you know what Aunt Lindsay needs before having a girl -- an Uncle Lindsay! I need a husband."

He smiled.

"So, what should we do about this? Who should I marry?"

There was silence for a little bit, and then...

"You could wait til I grow up."

And... I'm Back!

One of my friends recently said "Remember when you used to blog?"

 

And I do remember. And I miss it.

 

Writing was carthartic for me. And it was exciting. And I loved the feedback that I got. 

 

So I made myself sit down and think about various reasons that may have led to me stopping.

 

Was it because school had me down for the count those last two semesters? Trying to study, get all my practice hours in, go to five hour long evening classes after working a full day?

 

That my job was sucking my soul from my body, and I felt like I was losing all the qualities that I liked best about myself?

 

Was it because I was trying to end a four year chapter where my heart had been repeatedly shredded by someone who didn't deserve my love, but who I kept returning to, and to write about it was to admit that I had let myself down, and my God down?

 

And then I graduated... and euphoria set in. I wasn't just dreaming of being a massage therapist, like I had for 15 years. And I wasn't in school for it, like I had been for five years. I was done.

 

Until the studying to pass the national boards began. And again my life was put on hold, as I followed my dream. Countless hours of studying. Followed by hours where I didn't, but was continually wracked by guilt at the knowledge that I should be studying.

 

And then I passed the boards... and the euphoria heightened. I wasn't in school any more, AND I was officially able to practice.

 

The job search began. Each day at United, I felt a little more of my true self being stripped away, and I was too emotionally, physically and spiritually tired to fight. So I stopped fighting. And watched as I started to become someone that I didn't like. Someone that I was not born to be.

 

And then September came. And I took a gigantic leap of faith, turned in my two week's notice, and set out on my own. Yet not on my own, because I had an email from my dad answering the panicked question of "will you still visit me if I'm living under a bridge if this doesn't work," with "No, because I'll be on my way to pick you up." And I had an assurance from my Heavenly Father - a peace that passed all understanding, that I was right in the middle of His will, and regardless of outcomes, that was the safest place to be.

 

I felt my joy returning, but it was so new and so precious, that I didn't want it out there for human consumption in the blogosphere. I was relishing it. Bathing in it. Allowing myself to purge what I had hated from my past, and embracing what this new chapter would be.

 

I rode my bike. I walked the ocean. I sat in the sun. I spent hours with my nephews and neice. I re-learned how to just be.

 

And then Costa Rica happened. And my world was completely turned upside down. I found a place where I felt as at home as I do in NH. I found people who were open, honest and loving. Who have a sincere desperation for Jesus, because they know what it's like to fight real spiritual darkness every single day. Who know that stuff is not what makes life worth living.

 

Numerous times each day, standing on the balcony overlooking Anonos and praying for the precious people who live there. Praying that the Light will overcome the darkness, sooner rather than later. God answering the prayer of my heart to "break my heart with what breaks Yours." Forgetting that it's a dangerous prayer to have answered, because a broken heart is so painful.

I'm still processing so many things from the trip. It deserves a post of it's own.

 

And now I'm back. Not just from Costa Rica, but from the sidelines of my own life.

 

I am not making much money, but I am the happiest that I have ever been!

 

So in answer to the question of "remember when you used to blog?"

 

Yup... today.

Brochures and Such

The appointment was made, and a few weeks before the time I'd go in to see this new doctor, I got a packet in the mail.

A welcome packet, of sorts. It had a list of all the things I needed to bring to be a prepared patient.

Also the intake form, so I didn't have too wait long when I arrived.

Directions on how to get to the office.

And a brochure... telling me all about the practice's policies and stand operating procedures.

It read more like a bad internet survey.

Here is what we like. Here is what we don't like.

If you do this (like not wear scented lotions), you'll be the "good" patient. If you do this (forget your intake form and insurance card) there is a special circle in hell reserved just for you.

But this paragraph made me laugh right out loud:

"We know that your problem is important to you.
We also know that our waiting list is long.
Time is better spent on helping you than explaining why there are too few dermatologists in the area.
Please refrain from complaining about the wait.
We have no control over this."

And this gave me an idea. I will print up brochures of my likes and dislikes, and send them out to prospective friends.

Or maybe I'll just keep updating my status on Facebook.

Of Hearts

To anyone else, it was just a red ceramic heart, hanging from my rearview mirror.

To me, it was my emotional heart, given to another and hanging in limbo for years.

Yesterday, I kissed it goodbye and threw it into the ocean.

And as I saw it hit the waves "Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed" echoed through my head.

Freedom tastes good.

The Good Ol' Summertime

Andy & Amy rode their bikes up to my house tonight, and we went out for ice cream. We talked about how it made us feel like we were little kids on Chestnut Hill again... the three of us hanging out on summer nights.

And yet, we're so different from our little selves. Amy left the ice cream place and turned left to go to Massachussets and a husband. Andy is leaving soon to go overseas with the State Dept. And me... the scaredy cat of our younger selves... rode my motorcycle to work this morning.

Happy heart.

Flashback

I think of my nieces as themselves... not as their parent's children.

If I ever do think of them as someone's child, it's often the moms that I think of.

However this weekend, as I saw them explore all our old play places on Chestnut Hill, and interact with each other, I was keenly aware that I was watching my brother's children.

"Aunt Lindsay!! We found this great place," they shouted from inside the tunnel of lilac bushes that I spent countless hours playing house in as a small girl.

"LOOK!!" they screeched, as they hung onto the same willow tree branches that my hands held years ago, and swung with abandon.

Growing up, Evan & I were always wanting to play, do, and have adventures. Darren was content to read 23 out of the 24 hours in any given day.

I remember the frustration of wanting him to come and make it the three of us having fun, and not just the two of us. (Probably because at the time in our lives, Evan & I were not what we would refer to as friends, and Darren was a fabulous peacekeeper) The deep sighs of disappointment coming from the redhead and myself, as the eldest would inform us that he was happy to keep reading, thank you.

And this weekend, from behind a closed door, I heard Evan's little girl heave a deep sigh, as Darren's little girl curled up in the pappazon chair, reading to her heart's content.

And I smiled.

She's Married!

My Mantra

Battle of the Texts

I sent a picture of the ground cover of snow that we got on Friday to my big brother.

He sent back a picture of a large snow covered mountain near where he was staying in Alaska.

Nobody likes a bragger.

:)

As I tried to study (read: cram) for my exam before class last night, I was surrounded by the whining of my fellow students.

They were displeased by an instructor for another course, and were each trying to outdo the others with examples of how much this teacher irritated them.

Needing quiet for my studying, and wanting her reputation to have a little more than a shred left by the end of their conversation, I quietly said;

"You guys do know she is my aunt, right?"

People who panicked = them

People who wished I had pictures of each one of their faces = me

Saving the world... one new aunt at a time.

Appropriate Use of Work Time

Today I was asked by a co-worker what super hero powers I would like to possess.

My first answer was the ability to fly.

My second response... as follows.

(Names changed to protect those using work time for idle chatter.)

Jones, Lindsay M [10:30 AM]:
and perhaps the power to make annoying people disappear

Name, Changed [10:32 AM]:
sweetie thats just called a gun license and a lack of empathy

Name, Changed [10:32 AM]:
if you want that just register as a Republican!

She Yammers

I realized recently that I no longer blog about things... or events. I was using it only to showcase pieces that were deep... or poetic... or spiritually significant... or stories.

And I miss writing. I miss writing about mundane things. I miss the witness that my blog was to my life.

I am taking three classes this semester, and sit there thinking "I'd love to write about that person." But it's generally if they are doing something ridiculous or annoying... or both. And since I'm trying to curb my snarkiness, those posts will not be published.

But since this realization, I've freed myself from my own expectations of not posting anything unless it's Pullitzer Prize worthy. Why deny myself the joy that is writing, just because it's not deep?

So I will blog again. And if you dont want to read about the commoness that is my life, you are free to close this out! (Editor's note... Lindsay is working a lot of hours, taking three classes, playing on the worship team, and doing as many practicum hours as she can, so the line "I will blog again" must needs be taken with a grain of salt, and a realization that there are only 24 hrs in her day, some of which should be put in the "sleeping" catergory)

Yesterday I was walking through the halls at work, mentally keeping a list of all the things that had gone wrong that day. And by wrong I mean Significantly Wrecking My Day Wrong. There were many and I was replaying them over and over so I wouldn't forget them. And I stopped in the middle of the hall and asked myself when had I become that person? The person who only looks at the bad. That's not who I am. Or not who I thought I was, at least.

So today I tried to focus on the good.

And today went surprisingly better than yesterday.

- I got to sleep in until 6 instead of getting up at 5
- Someone bought me coffee this morning
- And someone else bought me lunch
- I've worked hard on my organizational skills, and was told by a trainer travelling to our site today, that my class was the most organized one he'd seen in his five years of training
- The last 15 minutes of my work day were spent in conversation with someone who makes me laugh so hard I cry
- Shopping on the way home, I found a raincoat that was regularly $80, now mine for only $22
- I talked to Rachelle on my way home and heard little Evie (my goddaughter, you know!! :) cooing in the background
- Leaves are starting to come out, and the forsythias are in full bloom
- Another person scheduled a massage, which means I'm chalking up my practice hours
- And for dinner, I have my ultimate comfort food just waiting to be made


So today, you might say, was a happy yellow rain coat in the midst of a rain storm!

Seasons

Ask anyone in NH what their favorite part of living here is, and nine times out of ten the answer you'll receive is "I love all four seasons!"

But ask that same person that same question after the third April snowstorm, and the seasons thing isn't quite so dear to their hearts. They are not pleased, because the most difficult season has lasted too long. It has dared to go beyond the boundaries of the calendar.

My favorite season is Fall. And when September is too hot or November sees too much snow, I feel gypped. Gypped because my favorite season was too short.

I've been thinking about seasons a lot this week. But not the four seasons I am lucky enough to experience because I'm a NH girl.

Seasons of life.

And I realized that the way I view Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall are very similar to the way that I view seasons of life.

If a wonderful season is cut short, I feel gypped. If a difficult season goes longer than I feel it should, I am displeased.

And all through these thoughts, the words to this song have been floating...

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

In every season, He is still God... And that's enough.

It has to be.

Bodies

I was reading a magazine to keep my bored self on the treadmill for longer than three seconds last night, and came across this article about bodies... and how most women feel the pressure to be emaciated, yet the majority of women are nowhere close to that.

At the top of the article, in large font it read "Why are we so hard on ourselves, when the people who love us are so much more forgiving?"

The magazine had gone out to their readers and asked them to finish the statement "My body is..." The only guidelines were that the responders could not say anything negative.

And the answers were beautiful.

My body is...

* tough and stubborn!

* a gift from God.

* freaking awesome!

* fun to live in.

* beautiful and full of talent. I love my body. It's also hungry... almost all the time :)

* short, but thinks it's tall!

* my best friend.

* not perfect. And I wouldn't change it for the world.


So, as I walked on the treadmill and applauded these women in my mind, I wondered what I would write.

And decided I would reply "My body finally gained my respect and love in it's 30th year."

What would you say?

Glancing Back While Facing Forward

On that day, as a crumpled heap of sorrow on the floor, I didn't think my shattered heart would make it to the next day... much less ten years.

And yet, here I stand, on a day when I allow myself to look back as well as forward.

The stages of grief that I was so clueless about, but had to experience... ready or not... have formed me into who I am today.

What was unimaginable has become a part of the tapestry that is my life.

The raw pain, wrenching sobs, and throwing up that turned to bittersweet tenderness when her name dances across my mind
The weird guilt of "am I even allowed to hurt this badly if she was just my friend, not my sister?" that turned to "I loved her - that is enough to warrant sorrow"
The solace found in lyrics and poems that turned into precious gems that I carry in my heart and on my body
The angry glares at the stars that turned into understanding glances as I speak words I want only her to hear
The ready tears as each new memory surfaced that turned to secret smiles as the years have made them worn out and indescribably dear
The panic as I began to forget little things about her that turned to joy when I remembered new ones
The purple balloons released on each birthday that turn into spots of soaring happiness as they get further from me and closer to her
The refuge found in the arms of someone who whispered "I know" that turned into my arms holding others and my mouth whispering comfort

It still sometimes makes me sick to my stomach when I am reminded that we wont have any new memories until Heaven.
Or when I see a picture of her when I'm not expecting it.
Or hear a story that I hadn't remembered... that isn't safely in my mind's box of "I have mulled these over for enough years that they are now sweet and not painful."

I tend to think "I owe a lot to you, Mindy Dawn," and then I realize that while I do owe you a lot, I owe so much more to the One who has faithfully guided me on this journey... the One who has allowed me to learn of ridiculously powerful emotions through losing you. The One who you are currently adoring face to face.

And so I'm quiet on this day... remembering... loving... and praying for those who miss you so deeply.

Taking some consolation in the fact that perhaps these beautiful words by Antoine de Saint-Exupery were penned especially for us:

"You – you alone – will have the stars as no one else has them.
In one of the stars I shall be living.
In one of them I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night…
You — only you — will have stars that can laugh!”