Glancing Back While Facing Forward

On that day, as a crumpled heap of sorrow on the floor, I didn't think my shattered heart would make it to the next day... much less ten years.

And yet, here I stand, on a day when I allow myself to look back as well as forward.

The stages of grief that I was so clueless about, but had to experience... ready or not... have formed me into who I am today.

What was unimaginable has become a part of the tapestry that is my life.

The raw pain, wrenching sobs, and throwing up that turned to bittersweet tenderness when her name dances across my mind
The weird guilt of "am I even allowed to hurt this badly if she was just my friend, not my sister?" that turned to "I loved her - that is enough to warrant sorrow"
The solace found in lyrics and poems that turned into precious gems that I carry in my heart and on my body
The angry glares at the stars that turned into understanding glances as I speak words I want only her to hear
The ready tears as each new memory surfaced that turned to secret smiles as the years have made them worn out and indescribably dear
The panic as I began to forget little things about her that turned to joy when I remembered new ones
The purple balloons released on each birthday that turn into spots of soaring happiness as they get further from me and closer to her
The refuge found in the arms of someone who whispered "I know" that turned into my arms holding others and my mouth whispering comfort

It still sometimes makes me sick to my stomach when I am reminded that we wont have any new memories until Heaven.
Or when I see a picture of her when I'm not expecting it.
Or hear a story that I hadn't remembered... that isn't safely in my mind's box of "I have mulled these over for enough years that they are now sweet and not painful."

I tend to think "I owe a lot to you, Mindy Dawn," and then I realize that while I do owe you a lot, I owe so much more to the One who has faithfully guided me on this journey... the One who has allowed me to learn of ridiculously powerful emotions through losing you. The One who you are currently adoring face to face.

And so I'm quiet on this day... remembering... loving... and praying for those who miss you so deeply.

Taking some consolation in the fact that perhaps these beautiful words by Antoine de Saint-Exupery were penned especially for us:

"You – you alone – will have the stars as no one else has them.
In one of the stars I shall be living.
In one of them I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night…
You — only you — will have stars that can laugh!”

To You...

They left me
with your shadow,
saying things like
Life is not fair

& I believed them
for a long time.

But today,
I remembered
the way you laughed
& the heat
of your hand
in mine

& I knew that
life is more fair
than we can
ever imagine
if
we are there to live it

-brian andreas

Worth Every Penny

Several weeks ago I went out to dinner with a friend... and then coffee... and then a little perusal of the treasures that TJ Maxx has to offer.

And while we were in TJ Maxx, I spent the best $2.99 of my life, for I discovered and purchased a little book entitled "1001 Ways to Meet Mr Right." Classic!

I had already gotten my three dollars worth out of it by the time we exited the store, as I had followed him around while he shopped for shirts, laughing and reading him ridiculous excerpts.

The woman who wrote this book is all kinds of serious about her topic, but my gosh, she is out of control. Not only does she give a full paragraph on each place to go, she also put pros and cons on some of her best ideas.

Allow me to share some of my faves.

Tattoo parlor - now on this one, she graciously listed pros and cons... the con she chose was "Hepatitis." Well yes, I would agree that hepatitis is pretty high on my con list, but she did also admit that most tattoo parlors in our era are clean

Writing your will - "...gives you the opportunity to have a face-to-face meeting with a handsome, eligible lawyer... do a little research and find a single, male lawyer..." Con on this one? "Lawyers may not be your type."

Maternity Ward - she does tell you not to go after the new dads, but holds out hope that new babies have uncles or that the new dads have friends. But really, let's talk about this for a bit. Are you supposed to wait until a friend has a child? Or do a stake out at the local hospital? She doesn't say, therefore I am flummoxed. Probably wont use this tip, since there was so little guidance. Also, no pros and cons listed.

Out with your brother - this one made me laugh out loud. My brothers are a pastor and a lawyer (not single, ladies, so don't ask him to draw up your will!) and I've often said that if I ever bring someone home, they'd have it worse off with the boys than with Dad. I just dont see D&E as my wing men.

In a car accident - "... certainly not to suggest that you should go around aiming at cars in hopes of getting in a car accident..." This one is kind of two for the price of one. She not only talks about the other person involved, but maybe even a cute police officer will show up.

Swiss Alps - if I spend the money to go to the Swiss Alps, and there is not an amazingly attractive man holding a sign that says "Lindsay - I am your Mr Right" I am going to be seriously ticked off.

The Mutual UFO Network - "If you have always had a fascination with outer space... consider joining." Words fail me.

In traffic - You'll be glad to know that now not only do you have to worry about someone talking on their cell, or texting, or just plain not paying attention. Oh no. Now there is a website called flirtingintraffic.com where you register and are issued a sticker for your car with an ID on it, so that if someone thinks you are cute and they are ALSO registered on this website, they can write down your information from your sticker (for the sake of myself, driving alongside these people, I trust that the stickers are gigantic, and the numbers are short, so there is not a lot of squinting and writing involved, to take their eyes off the road) and contact you. The con in this is obvious: "... only be effective if more and more flirtatious drivers catch on."

Working as a florist - "Sure, florists get a lot of men coming in to buy flowers for their wives or girlfriends. But sometimes relationships don't work out."

Proviso: If your sister, mother, wife, girlfriend, aunt or cousin is the author of this book, I apologize for any hurt feelings you might have gotten with the mocking tone you have most likely perceived in the above paragraphs. If you met your spouse in one of the above situations, I also apologize.

A Glimpse Into What I Believe

I looked up "faith" in the dictionary. Read through all the different definitions. Read them through again.

Funny, but I found nothing about it being a crutch.

And that's what I hear mine referred to as so frequently.

I'm not what we would refer to as an intellectual. So when I have conversations about religion with people who are smarter than me, I hear all their words, and wish that my thinking wasn't so heart based... but that it was more fact based.

It frustrates me, because I know what I believe. And though I'm a consummate people pleaser, when it comes to my faith, no amount of pressure from anyone is going to rock my solid relationship with Jesus.

One of my friends asked me awhile ago what I believe about God. I replied that I believe in a God who is fully vested in my life - both day to day, and eternal.

We all get hurt in life. We all limp. Some limp more than others, because their pain has been deeper, more traumatic.

But it's what we do about our limp that determines how we live. We can get angry at the accident that caused it, and turn bitter. Or deny that it's there, and live a hampered existence.

Sometimes, I think, it takes more courage to admit that the pain is there, that we're not perfect, and that using a "crutch" will help our quality of life, instead of limping along in growing frustration.

You may scorn my Crutch... but He's willing to be yours as well... if you'll let Him.

Cell Phones - Love mine. Hate others.

Texting has been a major problem throughout my current training class. So yesterday I tried a new tactic.

I greeted the class in my usual, and often excessively cheerful way.

"HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!!"

"Happy Friday!" was the we've-not-quite-had-enough-caffeine-for-you response.

"We're going to start today with a GAME!" (still manic face, big smile, excited voice)

"YAY!!" caffeine intake forgotten, I had their full attention

"This fun time is called the (face change to stone) 'I'm really sick of telling you to stop texting so take out your phones and line them up on this table' game!"

Not fans of this game, my class.

I, on the other, had one of the best mornings ever.

As of yesterday at 4:30, my class reached the end of week seven, which means that we are officially half way done.

And even after the game we played that morning, the class did not renege my invitation to their "Glass Half Full" party last night.

But when I walked into the Puritan Back Room, someone did ask if they all had to put their cell phones in the middle of the table.

Hating Goodbyes This Day

I hate goodbyes, so it stands to reason that I've never been a fan of death.

I remember as a little girl, panicking before Grandma Springer's funeral, because I just couldn't handle the sorrow.

And I became even less a fan when in college my tight-knit group of friends learned the lesson that we're not as invincible as we thought, when we lost one of our own.

So, I just don't think about it.

I'm the one who only likes to watch funny movies.

Who doesn't like to hear or read sad stories.

Who desperately tries to see the silver lining... even if there isn't one.

But when I got the call this morning that I lost a co-worker and friend I was reminded again of how much I hate death.

I know that as a Christian, death is not final. But when you're the one left behind, it can often feel that way.

He knew I played keys, so he came to church with me two weeks ago to hear. Neither of us knew that as of yesterday, he'd be lucky enough to be enjoying in person, what we were singing about.

Wish I could hug you one more time, Sir.

Until then, I'll be the one down here... looking for that silver lining.

Things Unfinished

Most of us have them.

A closet full of half finished works of art...

A garage with various projects strewn around...

A drawer filled with "possibilities."

Tonight I found mine in my writing files.

I was looking through half written poems, blog posts, songs, letters... my life in snippets.

Words that wont meld to my will.

Little glimpses of my heart.

That may never be seen by other's eyes because the right words are elusive.

I would no more show them to the world than a seamstress would wear a skirt unhemmed.

Though I am frustrated with them for being stubborn, and myself for not being able to finish them... they are my creations, nonetheless.

And I feel a strong affection for them, even in their unfinished state.

Memory Lane

I was just reading my blog and realized that next month I'll reach my five year anniversary of being a blogger.

So many words - so many memories.

It's strange to go back to the beginning and read it... in fact, some of the posts made me cringe. Not the content as much as the writing style.

And yet as I read, there were common themes. The themes that are still forefront in my life.

Relishing in the joy of being an Aunt
Missing Mindy - and longing for eternity to spend with her
Sometimes struggling against, and sometimes embracing my single status
How growing hurts, but how it's worth it

But most of all... my relationship with Jesus... with all it's raw emotion, and joyful abandon

And I realized, though my writing style has changed, and though I am five years older, happier, and much more grounded... The important things in my life are still the same.

And I was glad.

Why Yes - She IS Mine!

Truth

"We all need to hear God's voice.

Our longings, aches and pains are thin threads to that voice.

Stay long enough in the aloneness,

and you'll find that the silence of God becomes a whisper,

and then the whisper

becomes the voice that you recognize."

~ Nancy Ortberg

Longing

The rays of the sun were long and flat, shining through a small opening in the evening clouds.

And as I walked, my breath stopped for a moment. My heart constricted tightly with an intense longing for the eternal.

Heaven seemed so close at that moment, that I felt if I looked just a little harder, I'd see Mindy dancing and laughing... I'd see the outstretched arms of the One who loves me most.

I realized there were tears in my eyes, and I truly didn't know if they were from staring at the sun, or because at that moment I was experiencing such a desperate longing that my heart felt almost broken.

It seemed close enough to cover the distance in two steps, yet at the same time, so far away that I knew I'd never reach it.

The clouds shifted. The portal closed. And I felt so... left behind.

At that moment, this treasure, nestled between Coldplay and Beyonce, came on my iPod.

Welcome Home, you

I know you by name

How do you do?

I shine because of you today

So come and sit down

Tell me how you are

I know son, it's good

just to see your face

So, here I was, longing for what is to come, yet remembering I'm here for a purpose. And left with a clearer vision. One that will lay down the confusion, chaos, betrayal, and hurt that is life.

One that will remember the portal will be open one day. And I wont be left behind.

Pleased To Meet You

Have you heard an introduction of two people lately? Names are exchanged, smiles are smiled and then... "What do you do?"

We, as amazing and beautiful individuals, have been reduced to what we spend 40 (or in so many lives, many more than 40) hours a week accomplishing.

But I am so much more than what I do.

I wish I could answer the question of "what do you do" in a way that was honest and thought provoking.

But so many people are uncomfortable with those who get out of pretty little boxes with labels tidily put on them.

Imagine with me...

"What do you do?"

"I laugh... and I make people laugh."

"Oh, you're a comedian?"

"No... I am actually a corporate trainer for an insurance company."

Silence.

"Oh."

I am so much more than I do! I reject being defined by what earns my paycheck.

I am a princess, in both the eyes of my dad, and my Father.

I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a friend.

I have the heart of a mother, though I have not birthed a child.

I am one who walks with face forward, slightly upturned, to accept sun or rain on my face.

I feel music running through my body most of my waking hours.

I play with words in my head, molding them to do my will.

I am physically small, but spiritually tall.

I laugh. I cry. I dance. I make music.

I am mesmerized by fire, calmed by the ocean, invigorated by wind.

I am loved and I love with abandon.

I am... so much more than what I do.

And you?

My Epiphany

As I get further into my studies, I am amazed by how much I have fallen in love with the body. It is a thing of beauty. And I am fascinated by it.

Beyond the flippant "our bodies are amazing things", bodies are not generally talked about. And when they are, it's often in a negative light. Thanks to Hollywood and tabloids, the body is looked at as something that is too ugly or too fat... until it crosses that line into too much surgery or too skinny. Nothing is ever perfect. The media has no happy medium between the "fat" size 4 and the "too skinny" size -0. Though some see those in the spotlight as a constant beacon of what to emulate, others cry that "normal" should be the exact opposite.

Yet even less talked about is body image. It's something that's whispered about in the dark, and I think if people were being honest, thought about constantly, but never spoken of out loud. And I'm tired of it. I want to say the words. I want to open dialogue. I want to love what God has made me.

I have struggled in this area for years. I've cried countless tears, looked with envy at thousands of other women, and the list of things I would choose to change about myself is long and varied. I've not believed what others have said, and I've chosen instead to internally berate who I am and how I look.

But through this last year and a half, and especially through my classes, I'm learning lessons that are not taught in the text books.

I've learned that the people I look at as perfect, have their own demons that they fight. And that they have just as long a list as I do, filled with things that they'd like to change about their bodies.

When I have a person on my massage table, I become completely absorbed in my work. My entire focus is to nurture that person as a whole, to build them up, to help them feel safe, and to let Jesus heal with my hands.

I see beauty. Each person is so different, and it is truly awe inspiring.. .

And I had an epiphany. In thinking of how much I instill into the person I'm working on, and how much I love what I am doing, I put it into a small scale of what God did when He created me.

Massage is what I'm good at. It's what I'm happiest doing. And if, after all that I put into the body I'm working on, the person were to say that they cringed every time I touched them, that they felt unsafe, unloved, or unlovely, I would be devastated.

Creating is what God is good at. And I wonder if it's what He's happiest doing. And I realized that each time I look with scorn at my body, I'm doing the very thing that would devastate me as a therapist, to the One who created me. I am taking something He loved making, and telling Him that I think it's worthless.

In the months since this epiphany, I've realized that it does not give me license to let myself go. I have made countless changes in the past six months to stop disrespecting my body, not ignore it just because I'd accepted the fact that I'll never be a size 4. I am learning to embrace the fact that I am who I am. And if the One who knows what He's doing looked at me and declared it good, who am I to say otherwise?

There are still going to be pictures of myself that I don't like. There will be angles that I appreciate more than others, but I will choose to no longer despise what God created in love.

I'm learning to live with abandon, knowing that He thinks I'm full of worth... and that's all that matters.

The Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions

- Matthew West

ABCs of Me :)

A little light reading :)

A - Age: 30
B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chore you hate: vvaaccuummiinngg (mainly b/c I can't spell it - never remember how many c's and u's)
D - Dog's name: Growing up, it was our pug Ticket!
E - Essential start your day item: Coffee w/ milk and one equal, please
F - Favorite color: I have a hard time w/ this question... do I answer which color I like to wear? (blue) or which color I like in nature? (bright green of spring) or just a color I like to look at b/c it makes me happy? (orange)
G - Gold or Silver: Silver!
H - Height: 5' 1"
I - Instruments you play: Piano :)
J - Job title: Let's call me a Corporate Trainer in school to be a Massage Therapist
K - Kid(s): Not a one
L - Living arrangements: My little apartment on Chestnut Hill
M - Mom's name: Bafferly
N - Nicknames: Linds, Meg, Pollyanna, Sunshine
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: None
P - Pet Peeve: I would say listening to people chew is pretty darn high on the list!
Q - Quote from a movie: "Pork, mother!"
R - Right or left handed: Righty
S - Siblings: Two of the best big brothers on the planet, two pretty great sisters in law, and one wicked cute adopted little sister!
T - Time you wake up: Alarm is set for a little before six...
U- Underwear: What do we think this question is about? Do I wear it? (why yes, yes I do) What kind? (that's a tad bit personal, fyi)
V - Vegetable you dislike: Brussel sprouts
W - Ways you run late: Because I couldn't drive as fast as I wanted to?
X - X-rays you've had: Lots of ones of my crooked spine
Y - Yummy food you make: Beef stroganoff, of course
Z - Zoo favorite: Primates! And penguins!

Well... Have You?

Have you ever walked into a restaurant and read on the face of the hostess that her entire evening has been completely destroyed because you have come to her establishment? I've driven past a restaurant several times in my stay down here that said it was Spanish & Mediterranean cuisine. Tonight I decided to try it... hoping it would focus mainly on the Mediterranean (maybe I'd get lucky and there'd be some Greek food?) portion of their sign. I noticed a "Proper attire required" sign on the front door, but figured my khakis and black shirt were appropriate. Plus, I have a cute pink purse, and was wearing clever sandals. There were other patrons in khaki there, but apparently my choice of clothing didn't meet her standards. She deigned to seat me anyway.

Have you ever opened a menu and realized with sheer panic that e-v-e-r-y single item (save three) included your least favorite food... seafood? There was shrimp, mussels, octopus, squid, salmon, and many, many fish names that I'd never heard of before.

Have you ever been scorned by your waiter for ordering a Diet Coke. He skulked away from the table and then turned around saying plaintively "You're the driver?" "Yes - yes, I'm the driver."

Have you ever dipped hot, crusty bread into the purest olive oil you've ever seen or tasted? It was delicious, and made my mouth happy. But then, wiped the crumbs onto the floor, in fear that they would figure out you were mortal, and had indeed gotten bits of crust on the tablecloth. After eating a bit of the bread, I ordered an appetizer of bruschetta and a salad as my entree.

Have you ever done something that made you giggle to yourself numerous times during your meal? The waiter brought the bruschetta and it was beautifully presented on the plate. There was a big bunch of specialty lettuce in the middle, with four pieces of bread, spread with pesto, olive oil, tomatoes and that Spanish ham that I can never remember the name of. I'm not a fan of the ham, so after eating a bit of it, I lifted up the pretty lettuce garnish and hid the ham underneath, hoping an enraged chef wouldn't come flying out of the kitchen to demand I answer for my crime when they took the plate back and scraped it off.

Have you ever wondered if they are in fact hatching, growing and then in turn preparing the chicken that you will be eating, because it's taking so long? I had eaten some of my appetizer and was reading (I know - that's probably another reason that they didn't like me, but it was either read or have a staring contest with the hostess... who refused to make eye contact with me, and sighed each time she walked past my table), waiting patiently for my salad, and out of the corner of my eye I could see the waiter staring at me. Finally he came to the table and asked if I was still working on my appetizer. OH! THAT's why my food hadn't come. I did not know this was protocol. In the restaurants I normally eat at, they huck the entree on the table as soon as you've put the first bite of appetizer into your mouth.

Have you ever not known some of the things you were eating, but all in the name of "salad?" The chicken was amazing, the cheese was smooth and sharp, the lettuce spicy, the white asparagus gross and slimy, the granny smith apples pucker tart and crispy, and the dressing strong and unknown.

Have you ever breathed a sigh of relief at the same time your hostess and waiter did, that the meal was finally over?

Have you ever been more than grateful that this entire experience was paid for by your employer and not out of your own earnings?

And finally...

Have you ever laughed your entire way to the car... just by yourself... revelling in the strangeness of it all?

If so, then welcome to my evening!

Narcissist's Anonymous

Due to the lack of punctuation on this comment from my latest End of Course Evaluation, the point of this sentence is quite different from what I can only assume the participant meant.

"The trainer kept comming (sic) up with ways to keep us wanting to learn she was the best."

Yes.

My name is Lindsay and I am a narcissist. I frequently come up with new and creative ways of teaching my trainees that I am, indeed, the best.

Life Source

Sit... and watch. Mesmerized by the sound of the water falling?

Drag your hand just below the surface, feeling your fingers resist the water's tension?

Dip a toe in?

Turn your face toward it, hoping for a mist to refresh?

Or jump in and dance with abandon?

What do you do with the Life Source?

My Day in Bullet Form

• Took my class outside for review... which turned into sitting around talking... which turned into charades
• Got a sunburn on my right shoulder from our "review"
• Laughed so hard I cried
• Listened to people in my class discuss the different shades of chocolate that is their skin
• Had a very pleasant run in with an 80-ish year old in the parking lot of the grocery store
• Decided to forgo the elliptical and went for a long walk, exploring the small town where I'm staying
• Ordered room service
• Fell into bed at 9:00 because I was so tired
• Still awake
• Apparently not as sleepy as I thought

The Woman I Call "Mom"

She taught me by example how to love unconditionally
She is an eternal optimist, because she knows a God who can be trusted
She’s not afraid to show emotion
Nor is she afraid to allow others to feel grief or joy in her presence
She’s lap I grew up sitting on
The lap I still sit on when life gets to be too much
She shares my sense of humor and thinks I’m funny
And is the only person who genuinely cares how many calories I burn on the elliptical
She cries when I’m sad
And allows me to say “It hurts”
She prays for me every day - numerous times, I know
Her voice cracks when she is praying and gets to the part where she says, “Lord, I know you love my daughter even more than I do… and I just can’t even fathom that”
She’s my commercial buddy during shared TV shows
Yet also instilled in me my love of reading
She’s the one, who when I’m sick says into the phone “I’ll just sit here and be quiet with you, so you’re not alone when you’re sick”
She rejoiced when the country song came out “You’re mama’s still your biggest fan” and it fast became our song
Through her tutelage I fell in love with words, and have learned from her how to make them do what I want them to do
Her favorite one-liner is “God has a good track record”
And she knows all the right times to say it
She rose above an imperfect growing up experience, to provide an idyllic one for us kids
Her mother heart is huge, as evidenced by all my friends who also call her Mom
She saw worth in me years before I saw it myself
She has all of us kids secretly convinced that we’re her favorite
Her passion for her family is surpassed only by her love for her God
And she’s the one who gave birth to the woman writing this, who knows how very lucky she is to call this amazing woman “Mom”

All in a Day's Work

One of my new participants has been late three out of three mornings.

Each day I inform Ms Tardy via email that she needs to update her timecard to show the time that she arrived for work.

This morning I added that she needs really needs to take this training seriously and get here at 8:00.

Her response to me went something like this.

"It is important to me to be here, however it is not my fault that I have been late. There has been heavy traffic on (insert large highway near where I am staying) and if this continues, I expect to continue to be late. If you doubt this, please check with the traffic advisory."

I graciously replied if she continued to think that heavy traffic would be an issue for the duration of training that she should perhaps

a) find an alternate route
or
b) leave home a little earlier

There was no reply.

One of us is not holding our breath to see what tomorrow holds!

Today was one of those days...

You know, a day where:

... you drag yourself out of bed after very few hours of sleep to get to work extra early, to start your class at 8:00 with only three people (THREE PEOPLE!) who have deigned to show up to work on time
... you wear a sombrero while training a class that very blatantly couldn't care less what you have to say
... the guy doing your nails tells you "this is the type of day to curl up on the couch with your family or boyfriend"
... you eat Thai food to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, because pad thai is way more comforting than salsa.
... you go online to The Biggest Loser website and report that you came within half a pound of your four month weight loss goal, and that NBC is going to donate 19.5 pounds of food to a local food pantry in your name!

You know, just one of those days.

I Found Mr Two-Out-of-Three Man!!

And I'm sure he was three for three... I'm sure that there was a motorcycle around there somewhere. He was just too busy singing to me to tell me about it :)

For more pictures of the great day in NYC, kindly check out my Facebook

Them That Keep Rules

This place where I'm living for six weeks has a rule.

And that rule is "Drivers cannot talk on cell phones."

I have been very good about following this rule. But it has made me overzealous about watching that OTHER people follow this rule as well! And I tend to holler (not so they can hear, of course, because that would be confrontational) at various drivers who are NOT following The Rule.

The ironic thing is, though, I'm generally flying past them at a rate of speed that is greater than the "suggested" speed posted on the large white signs by the side of the road.

I've always viewed my third born self as a free spirit. I leave the rule-keeping to my older brothers, both of which are very good at that! Like when Darren & I went to England when I was a senior in high school. We'd be in the middle of a conversation, and I'd be carrying on my end of the conversation while crossing the road, only to realize that my rule abiding brother was still on the sidewalk yards behind me because the red hand had not changed to green, signaling it was now legal to cross.

I religiously "Click It" so I don't get a ticket. But I relish tearing tags off mattresses and pillows.

I wouldn't dream of using a hair dryer in the shower, but happily get into the hot tub here at the hotel, telling Rule #1 on the posted sign "Don't use this alone" to not discriminate against my one-ness.

Signs saying "Don't cross this fence, or you'll plummet to your death" are all well and good, unless there is a breath-taking photo op that is just waiting to be snapped right on the other side of said fence.

Will there be rules in Heaven? Or will I be so happy to be there, I wont mind? Perhaps the rules will be doable - like "Be the most filled with joy that you've ever been, because you've finally met the Only One that your heart has truly desired?"

Tid Bits

My phone rang tonight, and up popped the picture of my red-headed brother... wearing a pink wig.

So I answered, "I'm at the Outback, where are you."

And there was silence... then a timid "Aunt Lindsay?"

It was Chloe, calling to chat - also to remind me that tomorrow is her birthday :)

--

We had a dramatic afternoon yesterday at the office. I was sitting in the guest cube (which is right in the middle of all the Spanish speaking customer service reps, and I have this constant fear that they're talking about me!) getting ready for next week's training when I began to smell smoke.

After a couple minutes the smell got much stronger, and I started hearing people talking about it. I went to the window, and saw billows of smoke.

Apparently one of the smokers decided it wasn't in their best interest to use the provided receptacle for their cigarette, and dropped it onto the ground... right near a very dry bush. Either that or we were having an encore performance of Exodus 3.

Someone was out there with an extinguisher, but soon the alarm started going off, and we were all herded outside until the fire trucks arrived. They sprayed the bush down for over 10 minutes, and it looks pretty darn funny now.

--

That is all for today :)

Playing the "What do you see in the clouds" Game

Randomosity

The first weekend I went home, it was hard to get back in my car and drive, because I didn't feel ready. I didn't feel as if I had connected with enough people, I felt as if my love tank was not full, and I wouldn't make it through the week.

This weekend was so wonderful and so filled with people, that it was hard to get in my car and come back because I didn't want to leave the feeling of having my love tank all filled up.

But here I am. At the end of this week I'll be half way through!

Today was strange. A dichotomy.

I was not training. We finished a week early, so I'm here to help coach them while they take their first week of calls, before I start my second class next Monday.

So, I had some down time in between the questions. And I relished the time to email or communicate with friends back home that I've only had brief moments to talk to since I left.

And yet with that down time, and the availability of ready communication came an extra dose of missing those I love.

Missing loved ones hurts.

Last night I decided I needed to go to the ocean after work today! So, I found a map, found a route and got in my car right after work this afternoon to head to the coast. There was a precious little town near the water, and I drove through, my spirits rising as my body could feel the presence of the ocean... the expectancy that over the next little hill, I would see the water.

I walked around the parks near the water for a long time, and as I stood on a boardwalk, overlooking a marsh I thought, "THIS is what this trip was for. To get outside of the stagnancy that my life had become. To experience." And I was washed with a feeling of euphoria!

This last semester I learned that the air around the ocean is charged with negative ions which can help reset the body's psyche. I don't know what all goes on, but I do know that the ocean has always been my place of recharging, my place of talking to God more openly than I normally do, and I was grateful after a long day to have the wind blow in my face so strongly that it almost took my breath away.

And yet, half way through eating dinner, having just talked to my big brother, and missing him I was craving home. Craving the safety and security that just two weeks ago I was straining against! And that just an hour before, with the ocean wind in my face, I was euphoric I had put behind me.

One of my friends is famous for saying "Pick an emotion and roll with it." Today was not that kind of day.

In other news, this made me laugh today:

One of the girls walked into the classroom and said, "You know all that stuff about pork that's going on. I bet that's why I wasn't feeling well on Friday, because I ate some sausage in the morning."

"Do you mean the Swine Flu? Because that has nothing to do with pork," someone graciously pointed out.

"Oh."

End of conversation. Poor thing, probably thought she was well on her way to a spot on the six o'clock news!

And in still other news:

When I got back to my room tonight, there was a care package from the hotel manager... filled with bottled water, mug, candy, chips, and a pen. I call that kind!

This Post is Short...

...and so am I.

But the reason I am bringing this up is that there is an awards ceremony at the hotel tonight... for a college basketball team.

The guys are mammoth.

When I walked into the lobby I was immediately thankful that I was not wearing orange.

Because I feel they would have started dribbling me.

The end.

Back In The Saddle Again...

... back where hotel rooms are... friends?

I pressed the button for the elevator this morning, and when the door opened, I was looking at boxes full of disembodied heads staring up at me. I stared back in horror, and then stared at the three heads attached TO bodies, who also turn stared back at me. Apparently I had disturbed the elevator ride of three hair dressers on their way to the lobby. Not enough coffee in the world would have prepared me for that, fyi.

The day got better, but it was a typical Monday. Things were hitchy in the classroom. The participants had a pretty intense case of the Mondays, and their trainer wasn't much better. Things were not smooth in the materials department, which is not my favorite thing, and made the OCD part of me want to scream a lot of times. However, 4:30 came like it does each day, and I was happy to cross this Monday off my list!

Bought some beautiful tulips on the way home from work, and the make my room feel so Springy and homey!

When I walked into my room, I laughed right out loud, because my bed was made, and my bathroom cleaned, but the maid (is that the right word to call them?) is not one of those "above and beyond" people. I had left my pajamas at the foot of my bed this morning. And there, strewn at the foot of my perfectly made bed, were my pajamas. I could practically see the thought bubble above her head as she made my bed... "If she even THINKS that I get paid to fold her pajamas, well... she is SO WRONG!"

And tonight... tonight I went to an Indian restaurant and it was incredible! The papar (thanks, Jen :) was so good, yet so hot it made my nose run! And the chicken tiki masala was almost as good as India Palace, and the naan was as good as Gil's! All of their food must be pretty hot though, because I could hear people sniffling all around me. There was kind of a feeling of solidarity in the snifflage. Well, I think I was the only one who felt that solidarity, but then again, I was the only blonde amidst a sea of very dark hair.

When I'm living outside of the norm, I tend to view norm as utopia. The whole rose-colored glasses thing. Like all last week I just kept thinking, "I will go back home this weekend and things will be perfect!" How could I forget after just one week that Chestnut Hill may be as close to perfection as possible, but that life is life wherever humans are?

And, to assure my fans that I have not changed spaciness since being away from home. This weekend I had to pick something up at the office, so when I went in, I left little hotel shampoos/lotions for Vicki T as a surprise for Monday morning. (Vicki affectionately demands lotions and shampoos from every trip I take... unless I'm staying with a friend, wherein she informs me I do not have to steal their things to bring back to her.) Last night when I was rummaging through my purse to get my hotel key, I found a bottle of conditioner. "What the...?" Oh gosh! I then remembered I had half a bottle of lotion in my purse when I went home, and then put Vicki's little treasures in there for transport. So, when Vicki T came in this morning she had a bottle of shampoo, a bottle of lotion, and a half-used bottle of lotion, instead of conditioner to complete the set. That is how I roll!

Leading Lady

Tonight I felt like the heroine in a romantic comedy. Only, there was no romance. And it wasn't funny.

I had a bad day. And I was crying. I went to Evan and Jill's and cried some more. After awhile ice cream and a movie were suggested. Only, the ice cream in the freezer had seen better days. So, I ran down to the little store near them, which was in the throes of closing for the night. The girl saw me drive in, and opened the door.

"Are you closing?" I asked.

"Yes, but come in," she said.

"Good - I need ice cream," I said, though I'm sure she had ascertained something of the sort from my red and puffy eyes, belying the open invitation of "Free Hugs" on my sweatshirt.

"It's over there," she graciously said, averting her eyes to give me some privacy.

The renewed sense of loss at the absence of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby was yet another blow in this day, but I rummaged around and found something chocolately and cold, which filled the need.

And as I paid for my comfort, and walked to the car I thought, "This is the pathetically funny scene in movies. However, I find no humor in this. I find it merely pathetic."

There was no leading man waiting by the car to make my day all better... but who needs that when you have a brother and sister waiting at home, to love you... and help you eat your ice cream?

Day the Fourth

Greetings from the land of WalMarts, not Targets. Better for my bank account. Unfortunate for my happiness.

The thing that has caused me to say, "hmmm" this day is as follows: In my stay here, I have gone to the workout room numerous times, and up to the concierge lounge for drinks and fruit in the evenings and breakfast in the mornings. And besides the hostess in the lounge, I am the only female I've seen amongst all the businessmen. What do we think about that? I say "hmmm." Do you?

One of my goals for this trip is not to just get out of work and come right back to the hotel. I want to not have a list of "should have done this" when I get home. So, tonight I drove around exploring, trying to familiarize myself with the area. The class had suggested this huge grocery store/farmer's market-ish thing that I went to. It was HUGE! And they had fresh cut flowers for cheap! When I go home this weekend I will bring a vase back with me! Flowers in my room will make me the happiest person around!

Last night as Lisha & I drove around I discovered a Rita's Italian Ice! I cannot even begin to describe the euphoria my heart experienced! I fell in love with that place when I went to visit Darren & Sara last summer. But we don't have them in NH. So I've been salivating after this for almost a year. All day long I thought about it, and told myself I could get one after dinner. But I was too full. My life = wicked hard. Oh well, there's always tomorrow!

Conversation today with Miss Don't-Bore-Us went as follows:

Miss DBU - "What are you going to do tonight?"
Me - "Go tanning. I'm tired of being the whitest person in the room."
Miss DBU - "So, you're no longer going to be the color of the board?" She pointed to the dry erase board I was standing near.
Me - No clever comeback, as I was laughing
She then proceeded to quiz me about tanning in general. Not tanning beds. Just making one's skin darker. Because God gave her skin that doesn't need tanning. And she is confused by the whole process. As I was explaining how it worked to her, I made the mistake of saying "you know?"
Miss DBU - "No, I DON'T know" she informed me, accompanied by head bob and finger wiggle

And that is what I have to say about that!

A Few Thoughts on Day Three

I didn't think it was possible to be in a place where there are more Dunkin Donuts than where I live... but it is possible. And I am currently in that place. They are EVERYWHERE here, and they make me so happy every time I see them. Makes me feel as if I am not too far away from home.

And also, there are so many nail places, that I could stop at least 15 different places on the way back to the hotel from the office... and the office is less than five minutes away.

Yesterday I asked the class to come up with a list of things that they felt would make the class run smoothly. I do this with all of my classes, and we refer to it as a class contract. The class had a hard time coming up with things... after painfully silent minutes, they came up with four things. The last one was "don't bore us" aimed at me. Less than two hours later, after having them listen to a sample call, I asked if they had found it interesting. All but one nodded. Miss "Don't Bore Us" stared at me blankly. "Was that boring for you?" I asked. She nodded. My inside voice became my out loud voice and I said, "Get used to it Sweetheart - that's what the next three weeks are going to be."

I slightly dreaded going in today, not knowing what she would consider "boring" out of the materials we needed to cover. But I'm happy to report that today she stayed fully participatory during class, and didn't say the "b" word once.

There have been a few times that my mind has threatened to remind me that I'm away from all the people I love, and should be lonely. But I manfully (maturely? womanly? stoically?) stuff those feelings, and find more things to do to keep my mind occupied.

Went out for dinner with my "subject matter expert" from my class (she's a sweetheart!), talked to family, worked out, cried during the Biggest Loser, got voicemails and texts that made me feel loved... all good things.

Tomorrow is halfway through my first week!

Operation: Outside the Box... Day Two

(and don't worry, they wont all bear this title... but it's working for now)

I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST DAY!

There were some bumps, but nothing that threw me off my game. I felt so peaceful and knew that it was because I have so many people in my corner, praying and supporting! So, thank you, my peeps!

I didn't start training until 1:00, so I had time to get set up and feel settled.

Met some good people! Met some other people... you know... the ones who make you appreciate the good people.

I wont bore you with the details of after work I drove around a bit to familiarize myself with my new town, picked up dinner, and got back to the hotel 11 hours after I left it this morning.

Oh, and here's my funny story of the day:

I had just gotten settled in my room when someone knocked on my door. Not just a knock, knock, but a knock.. knock, knock, knock, knock... knock... knock. See, on Chestnut Hill, a knock on the door just means that it's someone who DOESN'T have a key to my house, and hasn't already let themselves in. I got on my tiptoes and looked out the peephole. Didn't see a weapon, so figured I was safe and opened the door. It was the bellman (is that their politically correct term??) to hand deliver a note from the corporate manager inviting me upstairs for free drinks, yummy food, and for free breakfasts each morning.

My heart = jump-started!

Operation: Outside the Box... Day One

Today my travels began. When I first heard about it, I was ecstatic. I'd wanted this for a couple of years, and I was so excited to get things started! Then, reality hit, I didn't have enough time to prep the materials, computer access issues have come up, and this past week I've been fighting down (sometimes, not very successfully) panic.

This weekend, however, I decided it was no longer worth panicking about. Monday would come regardless of whether I'd stressed about it or not, so why continue stressing? I might as well go into this adventure looking at it as just that... an adventure! One that I had not only asked my boss numerous times for, but also knocked on Heaven's door for.

So, adventure it will be!

Today was a killer day. Got up early to go to my church for Easter Service, then flew to Milfrog to see Chloe in their Easter service. Kissed the kids, said my goodbyes to Evan & Jill, and ran home to pack... because, yes... I had done no packing.

Packed in less than an hour, said goodbye to Amy, and got on the road.

Adventure - begun!

After a comedy of errors (who even knew that EVERYTHING would be closed on Easter), waiting forever at a toll booth because I had the luck to be behind a car that paid a 65 cent toll with a $100 bill, I got to my destination. (I will not be telling you, would-be-stalkers, where I am exactly)

I had no idea that a place only a few hours south of Chestnut Hill would be so far ahead of us in Spring. The grass is much greener, and I saw my first forsythia blooming as I drove!

The only thing that threatened to grab my peace away today was when I signed my bill for the room... it said "How many nights will guest be staying" and next to that was the number 40. Forty nights seems so much longer than six weeks. My check-out day is May 22. However, I will be going home some weekends, so will hold onto that!

The room is nice and big, and even had a CD to lull me to sleep and lavender pillow mist waiting for me. There is a large and beautiful pool, as well as an intense work out room that will help me continue with our work's Biggest Loser while I'm away. (Yes, Theresa - I already used it tonight!)

I went to grab some dinner, and sat there happily eating while enduring the pitying glances of those around me whose thought bubbles read, "How pathetic is she, to be sitting all by herself in a restaurant on Easter... and also, she's wearing a Red Sox shirt, which is unfortunate." YES! It's TRUE! As well as being advanced in the Spring department, this place is closer to the team-of-which-we-do-not-speak. And I saw much team-of-which-we-do-not-speak paraphernalia being worn.

So, here I am. Trading in my beloved NH, close proximity to loved ones, an apartment that I adore, the safety and security of a life where I mind-numbingly make the same trek to work that I've made for over six years, for a chance to spread my wings, a pool, room service and a king-sized bed that will be made for me each morning... oh yeah... and training something I just learned myself to people who know more than me about the company, but less than me about this aspect.

I have officially jumped out of my box!

So Good Days - 1
Much Bad Days - 0

Now You Know!

There's a lot on my mental plate right now, which generally means that I have a desperate longing for purging my thoughts via blogging, but that I generally don't allow myself the time because things Must Be Done!

My prayer for the past several months has been "Please, I need something different!" I didn't know what that difference needed to be, I just knew that it needed... to be.

Living a stagnant life is not something that I'm willing to do, and I was feeling that way. Job the same. House the same. Personal life the same. School the same. Something needed to give.

I needed to get outside of my box.

And God answered.

Starting in April, I'll be traveling for work for at least six weeks, could be longer dependent on the powers that be in United Land. Still a trainer. Still for United, but a smaller subsidiary, with new customers, systems and guidelines.

The hotel is beautiful, and when I get excited about the ammenities, my supervisor graciously reminds me that I have to train while I'm there, not just swim. Killjoy.

When the panic of short deadlines, and large stacks of paper to wade through sets in I keep reminding myself, "This is what you want! And asking to get outside of the box entails... getting out of the box! Do it up!"

The snow is melting! The air smells fresh! And I saw one of Mrs Holland's beloved bluebirds tonight!

Spring is on the way - outside, and in my heart!

I aim to find joy in every step of this journey!

What Is Joy To You?

In school a few weeks ago my instructor said "Each of us was created for joy."

Webster defines joy as "a feeling of happiness that comes from success, good fortune, or a sense of well-being... a source of happiness."

I'd always thought of joy as some manic happiness that never left. And that to be a joy-filleld person, I could never feel anything but pure elation!

But after much soul-searching, and God-searching, I define joy as an inner core knowledge of who I am, and where I fit into His plan.

Looking at it that way brings relief to my perfectionist heart. Knowing that if I have a bad day, I have not become someone who has "lost their joy."

How do you define it?

My Turn Now

He worked the night shift

I'd strain my ears for the sound of his car

A brief honk

I'd smile and roll over

His goodnight honk, my small body's permission to go to sleep

Now I am the driver in the dark, but mine is early morning

As I pass their house, I gently tap my horn

My way of repaying all those nightly messages

And I smile

Work Hazards

I spend a lot of time on the door signs for my classes that I teach at work.

People know this.

They also know I have a severe case of OCD when it comes to my door signs.

And some of my co-workers take no end of glee in marring my masterpieces with small dots of ink.

To prevent that, I just posted this note next to my newest sign.

Exercisers Anonymous

"Hi, my name is Lindsay, and I hate exercising."

(I should be hearing a rousing "Hi Lindsay" from those of you who also feel this way!)

I truly, truly hate it. I hate spelling it because I'm always wanting to add a "c" after the "x", and I hate doing it.

A couple nights ago I was with a friend and she said, "Lindsay - I've known you for over two years. I know you're not an angry person. I've never seen you angry... except for when you talk about exercising. Then you scare me a little."

The experts say you should find something you love to do. Great point. Thank you, experts.

I love kickboxing! And did it for quite awhile, but it's across the road from work. I get out of work around 4:00... kickboxing starts at 6:30. I don't want to hang around the thriving metropolis of Hooksett for 2.5 hours, nor do I want to drive half an hour home, change, drive half an hour back, get my butt kicked for an hour, and drive the half an hour home again!

So, I got the videos. Billy Bob, Billy Bo, OH - Billy BLANKS! Not really a good time.

This New Year's I made the "resolution" that I had to exercise before watching TV in the evening.

In order to do that, I decided to take the expert's advice and find something I liked to do. I found a dance video that I thought would be way more fun than an aerobic one. Here's the unfortunate thing. Don't know if it was my upbringing where dancing was not quite the thing to do, or if no one told me that my hips were actually fused at birth, but I am NOT a gifted dancer. I knew this about myself, but thought maybe a video would help. I get more of a workout laughing at my uncoordinated self, then I do from actually dancing. (side-note: In my mind I am an amazing dancer... practically a prima dona. On the dance floor, I am more like an epileptic squirrel. True Fact.)

But even this video, with it's laughter inducing moves, is getting on my nerves. The last time I did it I thought I might have a stroke, because she kept saying things like "The higher you jump, the more calories you burn" and I would yell at her that I was jumping as high as I could, thank you very much. Then she'd say "Give it all the energy you can" to which I screamed that I didn't have any energy left, and would she please leave me alone.

My favorite exercise is to just take walks. But trying to take walks during the winter in NH is a post of its own... snow banks, snow plows, ice, leave for work when it's dark, get back when it's dark... well, you get the gist and now I don't need to write a new post.

If only my inner rage at exercise itself could burn calories, instead of raise my blood pressure, I'd be all set.

Funny thing is, this entire post was created while I was taking a two mile walk today... in sub-zero temps, climbing on snow banks when cars came, wondering just how long cheeks have to be exposed before they are frost-bitten, and proudly wearing the red hat that Evan informed me make me look like an old lady in a crosswalk.

Thank you for your time.

I Laugh At The Snow...

And focus on these!

AJ?? AJ Jacobs??

Having laughed out loud on almost every page of "The Year of Living Biblically" by A. J. Jacobs, I decided that a stop at Barnes & Noble was in order on Friday night, to pick up a copy of "The Know-it-All," also by him.

To save time, or because I had been unable to find it - take your pick, I went to the reference desk to ask where it was located, and while I was there, overheard another patron asking for the same book. However, he gave the wrong last name of the author. His girlfriend looked at him quizzically, asking why he was looking for a book about a guy who reads the Encyclopedia from A-Z and he informed her in a condescending tone that he had read a previous book by this author (insert wrong last name) and it was funny.

I followed the reference desk clerk to the humor section like a little lamb (however, there was very little bleating on my part, and very little being-named-Mary on her part) and saw that there were only two copies of this book left. I grabbed one for myself, and took the other copy to bestow upon my fellow seeker back at the reference desk. Because, I'm sure you'll find it surprising that his clerk was having a hard time finding said book under the wrong author's name.


Walking up to the man, I said, "Not that I was eavesdropping, but here is the book you were looking for." He grunted "oh" and took it from me. Hardly the kiss on the neck I was expecting... oh wait - that's someone ELSE who always kisses me on the neck in Barnes & Noble!

I went up to pay for my book, a little saddened in the Good Samaritan department, but excited nonetheless to buy my book and get home to crack it.

After dinner, I assumed my favorite reading position of on my stomach on my living room floor to begin laughing and getting smarter, as I read AJ's book on his quest to become the smartest person in the world by reading the entire Encyclopedia Britannica through.

And I fell asleep.

At 8:30. On a Friday night.

Apparently I was a little more tired than I thought. So, I went to bed and slept for 12 hours. But on Saturday, I began to read in earnest, and have laughed many, many times since!

The way he documents interjecting what he is currently learning into all his conversations kills me. It reminds me of when I read all the books by Linda Greenlaw about being a female lobster fisher"man" off the coast of Maine. And I had so many random lobster facts in my head, that they overflowed into all aspects of my life... until my friends graciously informed me that they were not nearly as interested in these books as I was, and could I periodically have a conversation that did not include crustaceans, please and thank you.

One thing that particularly hit my funny bone was a list of 10 suggestions to do with your life, to have a shot at being written into this great volume... and #10 is to "Become a liturgical vestment: I know this is easier said than done, but since every garment ever worn by a religious figure gets a nice picture..."

I've been blogging for years, and those of you who read my blog know that I rarely do book reports. I can most likely count on one hand the number of times I've written up what I was currently reading. So now, I'll let you in on a secret.

I learned in "The Year of Living Biblically" that A. J. Jacobs googles himself... rather frequently. And after having a conversation with some friends yesterday, I began to wonder at how big Google really is. So I decided to write a post about him, and see if Google can connect his Manhattan-ness with my NH-ness. If so, I will pronounce Google quite clever... quite clever indeed.

Mystery of Tears

Within five days I held a baby who was hours old, watched a bride and groom begin on the journey as husband and wife, and attended a funeral for a man who was much too young and healthy to leave this world.

All of those events included tears.

Some joy. Some sorrow.

And I wondered about the tears.

A baby... just hours old. A small piece of Heaven. What joy he brings to those whose lives he'll enrich. And yet, life is ahead of him. And life includes growth. And growth includes pain.

A union... just hours old. A foretaste of Heaven. What joy that brings to the two involved, as well as to their families and friends. And yet, marriage is ahead of them. And marriage includes growth. And growth includes pain.

A death... A closeness to Heaven. The only scenario that does not include impending growth and pain for the individual. And yet, the scenario where the most tears are shed.

Emotions are strange, yet beautiful things.

Story People

this is a picture of the future

and you'll notice that there's a lot of blank space

because people haven't made up their minds about it

and the future doesn't have a lot of time

for that kind of indecisivenessFrom one of my all-time favorite artists...

My Mantra

"Criticism doesn't bother me...
unless
it's from a stranger,
an acquaintance,
a co-worker,
a friend
or a family member"

-gleaned this quote from the web, and couldn't find an author to attribute it to

L*I*N*D*S*A*Y

I love my name. Always have.

There are, however, a multitude of ways to spell the name that I am called by.

I've seen them all. Been addressed by them all.

The most common is replacing the "a" with an "e."

Or forgetting the "d" in the middle.

The most creative I have seen was "Lynnzee."

Until yesterday.

I ordered take-out. Spelled my name at least three times for the exasperated person on the other end of the phone.

And when I went to pick up my food, I saw on the tag.

LRNCSY

And now I have seen them all.

It's a New Year

And new years traditionally bring the excitement of a clean slate!
The looking back on the old.
The longing for the new!

In thinking about the past year, the word that I've decided sums it up is...
Intense.

2008 was incredibly intense.
But good. Oh so good.
It was a year of intense growth.
Which comes with a price tag of intense pain.
But brings the gift of intense joy.
And with the joy... freedom. A sense of flying.
And I long for 2009 to build on the foundation that was laid in 2008.

God and I had a year of reconnecting.
I felt like my extreme need for Him was almost physical.
The intensity of wanting to be in His word.
That almost desperate longing for being in constant contact was something I'd always wanted, but never quite had.

2008 was a year of getting on my knees before God almost daily
and then learning how to get on my face before Him.
It was a year of learning how to be me... unapologetically.
And beginning to care what He thinks more than what others do.

It was a year of finding the spine I've always had, but never quite known how to use.
A year of taking baby steps towards healthily learning how to say no.

And with all of these things, a deep down joy started returning to my life.

So, now in 2009, my prayer is a life FILLED TO OVERFLOWING with joy!
Getting full gulps instead of the sips of joy and freedom I experienced in 2008.

My Life at Work

I am currently surrounded by:

one chewing ice
one chomping almonds
one yelling into the phone
one snapping gum

For people who love repetitive noises as much as I do... this is awesome.

And that is why God created headphones!